Thank god for your last post Brian, I am so glad now you are well again you've got some perspective on this. I do think your W was in a really tough spot and not one I would wish on anyone. I'm also glad to see that you are starting to come out of your "covert contract" mentality and starting to see that it really isn't fair to expect someone to "just know" what's important to you. I really don't think that there is such a being as someone who is totally sensitive to another person's needs. My H thinks of himself as a sensitive human being, he has often tried to figure out what I might be feeling and the majority of the time he is wrong. However I don't have a problem with that, I don't expect him to know without my telling him. He used expect me to know but like you he is growing out of that now. How do we even know whether we all see the same shade of blue when we look at the sky or feel the same way when we listen to a piece of music? We are all individuals and need to respect the right of each individual to act according to their own needs and feelings.
I'll drop this now because I find it impossible to believe that any woman on this board would be remotely okay with her husband tending to his mother in recovery from heart bypass surgery rather than coming back to be with her as she faced the real possibility of dying. Even SG. Even Fearless.
Cemar's pretty much got this one nailed.
Absolutely not.
Burg and Cemar must be living in a constant boiling pit of resentment if this is their belief system. I cannot see how you could possibly decide between close relatives and I would HATE to be put in that position. Whether it be spouse/parent/child they are all equally important. The vows before god that Cemar speaks of are what makes a non-family member (your bf/gf) into a family member with equal priority to other blood relatives it does not raise them above those relatives. And if you believe it does then you are setting yourself up to fail. Brian's W took a decision based on who needed her most at that time, Brian's mother was with him, the poor woman could not split herself in two and I think she deserves more compassion and understanding, and I'm glad to see Brian can see this now.
This is totally not a m/f thing either. It is no more becoming in a man or a woman to try to emotionally black-mail someone into making a tough decision in their favour.
I think if you love someone (rather than have an emotional hunger for that person) then you respect their right to make the decision that is right for them. ESPECIALLY when it is a tough decision. You do not OWN their love or have any greater rights over it than any other loved one.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
