Lil: Part of what you're doing is telling yourself that cac's happiness and satisfaction level is directly related to what you do or don't do in the sex department. That whether he grades you as an A or a C or God forbid a D has something to do with his happiness and your worth as a person.
I think it mostly comes down to my worth as a person, both to the outside world and to myself. And the universal fear that I am not lovable. My son has a stuffed Elmo that talks when you squeeze it. One of the things Elmo says is "You're so lovable." That struck me when I first heard it. I say that to S4 quite a bit. I want him to believe that -- no matter what -- he is lovable.
Your self-confidence in the sexual arena is not something that he can fix-- as you've pointed out, even when he tells you everything is fine, you can't quite believe him.
I know. This is more of the same fear. I might have more confidence in the sexual arena if I had had an HD experience previously. But I'm in uncharted territory. I still don't even know my sexual potential. And I don't know when -- or if -- I'll reach it.
I talked about to cac over the weekend about his smoking. I don't usually mention it because of the typical reasons: he's a grownup, I can't make him quit, nagging is counterproductive, etc. But it is a barrier. And of course, I'd like him to quit for the usual reasons: his health, his quality of life, even money. And because it was a turn off for me I was always aware that it was having an impact on his sex life because there have been, and continue to be, times that I chose to not initiate with him because of the smoking. But the key is that I always saw the situation as one where he would get more sex from me if he didn't smoke. And that continues to be true. But I also now see the situation as one where *I* would get more sex if he didn't smoke. I always disliked his habit, but now it ticks me off even more because it's cutting into my opportunities to have sex! Part of it is because I just want more sex now, but part of it is because it feels like the smoking is getting in my way of reaching my sexual potential.
But then I stop and think that I have to accept things as they are right now. He smokes. He showers, etc. if I ask him to, or if he initiates. But the reality for me and for us is that his smoking means fewer opportunities for sex. And he knows this because I have told him.
I guess I'm still not at a point where I believe that it's OK for me to not want to have sex with him when he wants to. **Even though he told me yesterday that it is perfectly acceptable within our current SL.** But because I've been LD with a history of turning down cac or just generally not being interested, I have real difficulty feeling OK with opting not to have sex. Honestly, I don't feel like I deserve that option. Consciously, logically, I can tell myself that it's OK. But at a deep level, it feels like I don't have the right. So what does that mean? I think it means that even though cac has forgiven me for my past behavior, I have not forgiven myself.
Corri: Thanks. I am interested in hearing your thoughts.
