Wow, it has been a busy weekend. Well, I went to watch Lost with H on Thursday night. Actually he called me before and asked if I wanted to go eat. We saw a mutual friend while we were out, someone that we used to work with when H and I met. So this friend sees us and asks my H how married life is. H just doesn't miss a beat and says "Oh, it is pretty good. I just got out of the AF and so we moved back here." I don't think H has told any of his friends about anything that is going on. I actually called one of his friends after the bomb dropped to see if H had been acting strange around him. He didn't know anything was going on and was shocked to hear it.
I went to New Orleans on Friday and got back last night. I had a good time but I REALLY missed H. It just made me realize how much I miss things being right with him. I really hate this. I hate not being able to tell him how much I missed him. I haven't even talked to him since Thursday. I wanted to call him so bad and tell him how much I wished he was with me...but I'm not supposed to, right? I just feel like I am subjecting myself to horrible pain by holding on. I don't feel like things will ever be the same. He used to be so affectionate and now we barely touch. I am so jealous of people that have that. I want that again.
I know my H has been showing signs of improvement, but I don't want to be with someone who just "doesn't want to be divorced". I want to be with someone who loves spending time with me and with someone who loves me. I am so tired of the rejection. I am so tired of feeling like I am chasing after someone who wants nothing to do with me. I just don't know how much longer I can do this.
