It is a struggle everyday. We however have each other and this group to come to to post and vent and share stories and experiences. Just remember...what do our WAS's have? They probably don't have the understanding supportt group we have. Just a friend or 2 that really can't relate.
I have read in a Midlife Crisis book I have pertaining to men that you can't believe any of what they are telling you while in MLC and only half of what you see. The same probably holds true for the women in MLC also. They are all so confused that they probably have a hard time believeing themselves too.
I wish I had the money sometimes to afford some DB coaching but don't. I just see a local therapist who knows my course of action as far DB'ing and standing for my marriage and she is supportive of that. My H refuses any therapy because, "There is nothing wrong and I don't need some shrink giving me happy pills so I come home." Poor guy is so lonely and confused but I realize he has choosen to take this journey alone.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
H and I agreed last Friday that he could take $200 out of the bank for gas, new work boots, and money for Sunday sihce he was going to have the kids and would be taking them to lunch and stuff. Well Sunday(yesterday)I see he paid for their lunch using the bank card now it was only $22 but I want to confront him on this. Opinions???? He will of course probably see it as me being controlling but he also knows how tight $$$ was befoer he cut and ran so he should expect it and I had always before asked him about spending he was doing in an attempt to keep him up to date on our finances.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
Good morning. Time to face another day. You know, I still wake up each morning hoping that what I am going through is just a bad dream. LOL. I look over at the empty side of the bed and realize that it is just one more day that I need to stand up for my family.
I know what you mean about the money thing. I am in a similar sitch as my W is in school and only working part time. I have noticed that she does still seem to be able to spend our money just fine though. I told her that we need to sit down and come up with a budget and stick to it. She agreed, however, we still need to take the time to actually do it. I think when we look at the bank statement and talk about the different expenses and she sees hers versus mine she may get the idea that we can't afford to eat out or to buy new clothes right now. At least that's MY plan. Maybe a similar tactic would work for you.
You see she is the one who has been paying the bills and watching over our financial sitch. It hasn't been good this past year and we are on the verge of losing everything. We just need to get to the end of May. By then she will have graduated and begin to work full time. Then we should be able to get back on track as far as the money goes.
I am committed to my W. When we got married I told her that I wanted her to have a career that she loved as I have one. I told her to figure out what it was then we'd work together to make sure it happens. I don't walk out on my promises. I am going to see that one through no matter where she is living or what she is doing. I also promised to love her in good times and in bad and I am doing that too.
I will be here when she wants to come home. I just hope that she doesn't take too long.
Keep up the good work you are doing amazing things and you WILL be able to survive this and make a better life on the other side.
-B
Me-45 W-34 T-5 M-3 1/2 s-10 s-12 ILYBNILWY 12/26/07 Sleeping away from home at friend's house(because she says she can't get any sleep otherwise) 1/14/08 1/25/08 We tell kids she is moving out
We are all doing the best we can. Similar we are in regards to your wife and I...H made the money and I managed the finances i.e paying the bills, buying the groceris, etc...at the same time I always wanted to give him everything he wanted and so we always had financial problems. As soon as there seemed to be some extra money there we would buy something and then regret it. We have owned 2 homes and almost lost them both to foreclosure but sved them both and the kids and I are still in home number 2 and it is really the only home they know since we moved here when S was 5 and D was 2. H and I agreed that we will not add anymore stress to their lives by taking away the only H they know as it is the only true security they have anymore right now. I also think in agreeing to that H felt relieved that I wasn't in panic mode anymore. See I tend to panic at the loss of control of my life and when he first dropped the bomb I went into instant panic mode and professed the need to sell the house and move away from the area and the memories, etc...and I know he didn't want that. Didn't want me or the kids to be that far away from him. Hell he moved into mom and dads which is only a 10 minute drive, about 12 miles away. I have packed up some of his stuf but he won't take the box. I made the mistake of packing all his clothes the day after he walked out and told him I couldn't bear looking at them and smelling him on them everytime I went into the closet to get dressed, that it was too painful for me and he said he understood and willingly took them. He probably saw it though as me pushing him away even more.
Anyway, sorry to get off on a tangent. Happens alot as I think of things. I am trying to clear out more clutter today. Me the packrat that needs to declutter my life regardless of whether he comes back or not. Hopefully he will see the changes and return to his family.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
Oh just had to share something I take as a sign from above....
I was on the rejoiceministries website and they stated a very good verse from the bible to read about standing for your marriage is in Daniel 10. Well quite the coincidence given that my H's name is Daniel. Just had to share as I belive in things happening for a reason and signs like that.
Another sign...one I am ashamed to admit though but will...
I immediately joined match.com after H left out of complete fear of being alone since we have been together since 16. I have contacted nearly 15 men there and they have either not responded at all or responded with a "thanks but we are not a good match." That was a sign also for me to accept and learn how to be alone for a time and not to look to others of the opposite sex for comfort and companionship as that will only lead to trouble.
So pleas take that last confession as a learning tool for yourself, whoever is reading this...do not seek comfort in the opposite sex unless it is loving family. Seek your comfort in same sex friends, the bible, books, television, your children certainly, etc...
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
I know that time is supposed to heal things and make our problems easier to deal with, but damn if it doesn't still knock me for a loop most days. I try to rationalize it and it doesn't help. It just plain and simple hurts. It would be easier if I didn't love her so much, but then what would have been the point of marrying her in the first place.
Is life supposed to be this hard?
Me-45 W-34 T-5 M-3 1/2 s-10 s-12 ILYBNILWY 12/26/07 Sleeping away from home at friend's house(because she says she can't get any sleep otherwise) 1/14/08 1/25/08 We tell kids she is moving out
You know I was just starting on our income tax return and in sitting here going over everything I had a thought or two.
These WAS's give no thought to the financial ramifications of waslking out. For instance my H I don't think has thought about how much child support and possible alimony will cost him and that he probably won't have enough left over to have a place of his own which in turn means never having the kids for sleepovers and weekends, etc... Nor do they I think give any thought to the glorious income tax returns you get when you own a home and get to deduct all that mortgage interest. Certainly if H and I divorce the house would HAVE to be sold and there goes our nice hefty little return every year. My H for instance has always had me handle bill paying, tax returns, grocery shopping, all that type of stuff. He wouldn't have a clue where to begin if I am out of the picture, hell he is still asking me to do stuff as simple as picking up a new cell phone battery for his cell phone. I have always made his Dr. appts., handled all important phone calls he needed to have made, etc...he really has no idea how to live life on his own in regards to finances or just basic every day stuff like what I have mentioned above.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
Yes I know what you mean. I have to admit that W does the same sorts of things for our family. It was something that she volunteered to do and I gladly accepted. She also has shouldered all the stress of our money problems. I admit that I don't handle money problems well. I am getting better at it, but it still isn't one of my better traits.
I never had to deal with poor credit, late pays, or overdue bills before I got married. Needless to say it was a shock to me. It has been part of our problems. I believe that my reaction to the money issues played a sizable part in my emotional and physical neglect of my W. It was something that really bothered me. I have since learned that it doesn't matter what our money sitch is if I have my family. I wish I had known before what my reaction would lead to. Live and learn I guess.
I can tell you that the stuff I have been reading of late from the rejoice ministries site has given me new hope for saving my M. I also feel an increased strength in my stand for my M. I believe that pray and my faith will play a big part in how I get through this. Because I am planning on getting through this. I don't yet know how, or when, but I AM going to do it and I know you can too!
-B
Me-45 W-34 T-5 M-3 1/2 s-10 s-12 ILYBNILWY 12/26/07 Sleeping away from home at friend's house(because she says she can't get any sleep otherwise) 1/14/08 1/25/08 We tell kids she is moving out
Damn you and I sound just like my H and your W. My H gladly let me do all the bill stuff and when money troubles hit he always took it hard and allowed it to affect how he interacted with me. I always asked him if he wanted to be more involved or do it himself and he always said no that I was better at it than he could ever be to which I would usually repsond with a why the hell then do we screw up so much ith $$$? I do know that H if he really is gone will never let any other woman handle his money for him so what are his choices...learn it himself or let his parents do it...lmao!!!!
Yes, we WILL do this and regain our marriages. The power of positive thinking is very intense. And with prayer and hope we will have a happy marriage again, all of us will.
Both 35 T 19/M 15 years S8/D5 It's over bomb/ILYBNILWY 12-22-07
Me-45 W-34 T-5 M-3 1/2 s-10 s-12 ILYBNILWY 12/26/07 Sleeping away from home at friend's house(because she says she can't get any sleep otherwise) 1/14/08 1/25/08 We tell kids she is moving out
