W less angry with me, but not ready for piecing

[Lanzo]

Had more R talk today with W.

We talked a lot but didn't go too deep into anything. But I told her if we keep talking we will eventually have to discuss some difficult subjects but that can come later.

Here are some headline points from todays chat.

W thinking I'm spending too much time on the computer now and I should spend more time with her in the evenings. (Wow)
I actually told her a little bit about this site but not the full DB process.

What does she really want ?, she wants us to be a family and to do family things all of the time.

She thinks I'm still walking on eggshells around her, and I should relax.

She likes the way I've smartened myself up, she said the Lanzo she met was always smart and well groomed. I told her one of the things I learnt from this site was to look at myself and discover the man she first met. (she liked that).

She told me MIL has commented that W looking happier.

Oh, and she wants me to print off a photograph of us to have on her desk at work.

We've agreed to continue talking.

I try to hold back in these talks and let W talk but she always wants to hear what I have to say so I'm a little bit guarded, but I hope she'll open up more as she becomes more relaxed.

Lanzo

[Lanzo]

I'm glad W wants to have a picture of me on her desk at work cos one of the very first signs of things going wrong for us was when she took the small picture of me off her key chain (and threw it away). I think having a picture of me is a significant step for her in her journey back to the M.

In the R talks with W, I was quite philosophical in what I was saying. I told her that at the moment our M could go either way. I said it would be a case of "Whatever will be, will be". But then I corrected myself to be more positive, I said it would be a case of "Whatever will be, will be what we want it to be". (She liked that).

W also did more listening and thinking than talking I hope thats a good sign.


Lanzo

[Kalni]

Hi Lan,

just a thought: when you are having these discussions I wouldn't be very vague, "it could go either way" way. I would be more positive (as you allready tried to be) and more assertive (is this a word?), confident about the outcome. Maybe point out a bit that the harder part is already behind you guys(TRUE), that sometimes couples need to hit rock bottom but then the way up is a one way (once both are clear that the want the marriage to work) (TRUE)etc. etc.

I believe you must think of what would give her a positive boost about the future, the energy that will allow her to give and change and enjoy and DREAM about your future.

I know DB principles are very strict to let them do the first step etc. etc. but your wife seems to have taken a few steps towards you and I believe she needs to be encouraged at this point. Just a thought... I am sure you have it all figured out.

Take care,

Kalni

PS The photo is big step the way I see it.

[gForce]

Lanzo, your sitch sounds like it's going great. It is nice to read about a success.

Kalni, so when do you know you can make the transition from DB passive detachment to being more active in the process?

[Lanzo]

Kalni,

For a long time I've recognise that my W wanted me to make the first move and be the leader, and show her that there is a way forward, but I've held back just in case I mis read her cues. Now that the signs are extremely positive I think I can throw off the shackles a little bit and drive things forward.

She is starting to see the old me and is feeling happier and is also comfortable talking about us, which is good.

On the down side I'll have to scale back my online computer time, becuase W commented on the amount of time I spend on the computer. But for me DB will be a way of life. I don't ever want to go back to the bad old days.


Lan

PS: Assertive is a real word and you've used it in the right context.

[Kalni]

Hi (amazing)Lan,
I guess by your last comment you meant we are not going to be seeing much of you here. Great!! You'll be spending more time with you dear W instead of just posting about her...
Just keep us informed on what is going on from time to time (and follow our stories in case you see one of us getting off track because you have a way to "redirect" us...).

Take care,

Kalni

[Lanzo]

Hi Kalni,


I guess when this thread locks up I'll move my story over to the "Piecing my Marriage back together again" section as I think that this is the done thing , so you can keep track of me over there. I'll still be on the board offering advice to Newcommers although not as often, as W has said she feels we should spend our evenings together mending the marriage.

It's been a long roller coaster ride but at this point I'll just be changing carriages, not leaving the ride totally. It's been exhausting but I'm on this journey for the duration.


Lan

[craig54]

lanzo, that is great news, going to piecing, keep coming back once in a while. congratulations.

[Lanzo]

Hello All,

I think I'll start to wind down this thread before I move over to piecing. But don't worry I'll still be checking out and helping newcomers for some time to come.

I'm glad to say that "W is no longer angry at me and wants to work on the M" (hey sounds like the title for my next thread).

It's been a hell of a roller coaster for the last 6 months and it has really taxed me both mentally and physically, but in all honesty the real work starts now to see if W and I can really make it.

What I'd like to do it to thank 3 people who helped me in the early days when things were at their toughest and quote some of their good words which helped me through. Also to offer some encouragement to those who are still in the battle to turn around their sitches and save their Marriages.

Look this is gonna be the hardest thing you will ever have to do. Trust me when I say that. The weirdest thing to me was the role reversal. Seems like wife becomes stronger and you are the emotional wreck. I was and still am stuck in the house with my Semi-WAS. Trust me it sucks to go to bed and feel the distance.

My new philosophy is "No Drama" trust me your wife will be surrounded by it. Stay away from it and make sure you are not involved in it. You will have plenty without outside help. Get back in the game. She will turn it on you. You will blame yourself. You will find your way. Listen to what she is telling you. You are about to learn more about your wife than you ever thought possible. She is about to learn more about you than she ever thought possible. Hopefully you can find your way together. I can't tell you it will work out for the best but it will work out for the better. Live in that and focus on your D you may find a lot of what you have been missing. I know I did.

Thanks Forrest you posted to me when I didn't have a clue what I was doing but you basically told me to go back home face W Anger. And boy was there anger, I couldn't believe a woman could get so angry and hostile but she did. "No Drama", that was the matra that got me through the anger.

Also this response of mine summed up how clueless I was at the time.

On myself and the actual changes I need to make to stop the D, I'll be honest and say I don't know where to start. I listen to her now, and I think the point is to listen and then read into the message which is being communicated. W has already said that I make changes but they don't last long and any changes now will be too little to late. So at them moment I don't know where to start.I have ordered the DB/DR books, they will arrive next week but in the interim I will take any advice offered.

Is she "using" you for other financial reasons? Don't allow her to go there even if it makes her furious! Why? B/c she will not respect you....and it is very important, especially at this point of the R that she respect you. She may be mad and say all kind of ugly things, throw fits, or whatever, but by God, make her respect you.

Sandi2 some very wise words, you gave me the WAW's perepctive and also told me to stand firm on money matters in order to gain some respect from W. (I think it worked).

Hey Lanzo! How are you doing today?

Just hadn't seen you lurking about. Hope things are going ok.

Puddlemuddle snafu You appeared from nowhere and became a friend and you gave me tips on when you thought W was beginning to turn. It was from this point that I started to understand DB better. Also I just looked forward to the friendly conversation you provided. You disappeared just as quickly but I know you're somwhere over in piecing.

Without you guys it would have taken my much longer to get the hang of DB. Thanks to everyone else whos followed my sitch.


For those of you still riding the roller coaster, DB works if you stick at it, are prepared to work hard, and have it in you not to give up especially when the going gets tough. "Nothing that is worthwhile comes easy" so just stick at it, never give up, even when you want to.


Ok I'm over to Piecing


Lanzo

[craig54]

lanzo,


congratulations on going to piecing, keep up the good fight. hope to see you in piecing someday soon. God bless you and your wife.