She's gone...I'm devastated, but hopeful

[minkerman]

Well she went with me to the party after all. I was surprised. It was nice to see her light up the room and see everyone gather around her and tell her how much they've all missed her.

As I drove her home (45 min) we did have a bit of R talk; during that talk, she said going her own way was a very real possibility, although she is still, in her mind, 100% neutral. I asked her why, if she is "neutral", she keeps saying she might stay away, at least 3X more than she says she might want to reconcile. "Really? I do that?" she asked. She apologized and said that wasn't the way she thinks. She said at this point she has absolutely no feelings one way or the other. She thanked me for pointing it out and asked me to do it again if she was talking that way.

Then she asked what I would think if she wanted to try living on her own for a couple of years...I said "then you'd be on your own, because I won't wait 2 years". She said that's what I thought...and I wouldn't expect anyone to wait that long. It's like she's testing me! Arrgghh!

When I dropped her off, she was bawling and saying how sorry she was that she was doing this to me and to the family and all of our friends. She said "I don't know why I feel this way...I just know that I need to be alone with my thoughts for awhile". The poor thing cried and cried. She hugged me hard and said "I love you" at least 3 times. I stayed pretty composed, considering.

Man, this is the hardest thing I have ever gone through.