If my wife isn't going to have a sex life with me, we are going to have to get a divorce. I told her that last month, and I wrote that on the first page of this thread.
Do you think I should point out to her every time she doesn't do something I want her to do? Should I remind her that I will divorce her if we don't have sex? How often should I remind her that I will divorce her if we don't have sex, once a week, every other week, or once a month? What time limit should I place on it?
OK, I don't want you to think I'm beating up on you. You are right, it's important to figure out what my boundaries are. I have worked mine out, and I have expressed the important ones. But the most important boundary in question belongs to my wife. She won't let me have sex with her, and she won't have sex with me. The only boundary enforcement measure that I have is to choose someone else besides my wife (either through affair or post divorce dating) to be my lover. In order to influence a partner whose boundary issue is that they won't give you something you need, you have to negotiate her. I think holding divorce over her head is more likely to lead to martyr sex. To her credit, my wife has never been willing to do that.
So I'm trying to use a positive, persistent approach. I don't know if it'll work. If it doesn't then I'll have to go to the lawyers.
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SM: What does it mean when someone says they want to do something, but then they don't actually do it?
Lil: It means they don't want to.
SM: So you believe all action is governed by conscious intent?
Certainly I don't believe all action is governed by conscious intent, and that's not a logical conclusion to draw from what I said.I DO believe when someone wants to do something, they GENERALLY do it, and when they don't, they GENERALLY do not. Of course, people can be torn, ambivalent, etc., but if something is important to someone, they generally figure out a way to do it.
You are arguing strongly the italicized position, while using the bolded position as a disclaimer. That's OK. I don't really care why she does or does not make a call. I'm OK if she doesn't want to go to a counselor. I don't either. I want her to be my lover. If we can get there without counseling, I'm good.
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WHAT IS YOUR DEAL BREAKER?
I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME!
sm
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
