I just find that I struggle sometimes. I think I am doing okay and then I have a meltdown and feel like my heart has been ripped out all over again. The thing is I KNOW how I should be acting, but when I am hurting I just go into this stupid auto-pilot mode.
I need someone to tell me over and over and over again not to react. Maybe if I have "As if..." tattooed on the back of my hand I will remember to act that way. Then again maybe it wouldn't do any good.
You know, the worst part about all of this is when I think about how much my W adored me and that I just let the very best thing to ever happen to me slip away. I have pity parties from time to time, but that isn't what I am talking about here. I really had it all (all that I ever could have dreamed of) and now it may be gone.
Part of me totally understands how she must feel since she gave me her heart so completely and I didn't give her the love in return that she needed. And part of me doesn't have a clue as to how someone could love me that much and just completely shut it off and not be willing to forgive me and give me the chance to prove myself in our M.
I will keep after this and with your help and the help of others here on DB I may have a chance at turning my family right side up again. I pray everyday that we all get that chance. I believe in marriage and I believe in love and I believe that God hears my prayers. Now if I could just shake this feeing of impending doom that I get each time I talk with my W maybe I'd be able to focus a little bit better.
Thank you for being by my side I can use all the encouragement I can get.
-B
Me-45 W-34 T-5 M-3 1/2 s-10 s-12 ILYBNILWY 12/26/07 Sleeping away from home at friend's house(because she says she can't get any sleep otherwise) 1/14/08 1/25/08 We tell kids she is moving out
