She's Gone - No Contact

[NikB]

K - ahh sorry, didn't realize you were just venting. Good to get that out here, too!

Oh I can SO relate on the "Boundaries" thing. I kept having people here tell me about setting boundaries and I finally realized I had no comprehension what that even really meant! There are a number of great boundary books by Anne Katherine. The most popular I think is "Where You End and I Begin." She gives a lot of real world examples that have FINALLY helped me understand the concept better (putting it into practice, still working on it - but you can't put it into practice til you "get it" so I figure that's a good start).

I have that self-esteem issue, too. SDFoundGirl (a regular poster in Piecing) once suggested writing a love letter to myself and I realized just HOW hard that would be. Wow.. kinda sad. So I've been working on that a lot - focusing on the positives about myself, and trying to do more things that MAKE me feel positive about myself.

Aw thank you for the compliment on the counselor thing. I'm not in that field at all, but I can relate! I get so much good advice here and think "half these people must be counselors!" I think what it comes down to is we all learn SO much going through this process that we start to understand counseling type things a lot better. If that makes any sense at all.. I am FAR better at giving suggestions than putting them into practice for myself (getting better, but that's the tougher part of the equation, for sure).

In response to a few specific questions...

If we have no contact, how's she supposed to see the "new" me? We live 30 miles apart and we will probably NEVER "run into" each other.

I wouldn't worry about this just yet... work on giving her the space she wants and becoming the "new you" first.

I have sent numerous apology letters, apologized in person, over the phone, in text messages, etc. throughout the past 2 1/2 years. Do I need to communicate any further apology regarding my inappropriate behavior or just shut up and keep praying?

DEFINITELY stop apologizing. All it does is remind her of all the bad stuff. She KNOWS you're sorry, you've said it, now leave it alone.

One thing people advise here a lot that helped me - consider your old relationship with her as truly over. It wasn't healthy, it wasn't working, it is OVER.

So.. if you do get back together.. it's a NEW relationship, one that needs to focus on the future, not on past wrongs and hurts and regrets. Apologizing focuses on the old R that is over.

Does it help/hurt/neither for me to occasionally send a card? (Valentine's is coming up although it won't be "mushy.")

I would not send her a Valentine's card. I'm sure that she is probably both expecting and dreading one, and will be pleasantly surprised and maybe even a little curious if she doesn't get one. She needs to see that you can live your life without her. A card sends a message that you're still clinging to her as much as you can. And the non-mushy card emphasizes it even more - it says, in effect, "I know you don't want to be in an R with me but I'm still so hung up on you that I couldn't help but send you a card, but to avoid being awkward I'll make sure it's a meaningless card, not something you'd get from a partner in a happy healthy R." In fact, I would not acknowledge Valentine's day at all unless she decides to do so. I WOULD make some nice plans for yourself though. Even if it's just cooking yourself your fave dinner at home, do something to keep your mind off of it.

As to occasionally sending other cards - at this point it will not help, probably will hurt or be "neutral" if you're lucky. She said she doesn't want to be in an R with you, so by continuing to pursue on you're her feelings, and coming across as pretty clingy too. I'd really get focused on you for awhile and maybe set yourself a time in the future (I'd say at least a month) where you test the waters with a bit of friendly, upbeat, light contact, and see what happens.