Still Hoping wrote: Of course I'd rather it be with H. But I don't want to spend a few more years alone with no guarantees of his return. I'm starting to feel as if I'm wasting my good years on him. (And obviously, there are no guarantees that a life with someone else will turn out to be great either.)
Is it better to cut my losses now?? I'm interested in knowing what those of who have been married for 10, 15, 20+ years would say had this happened to you early on. Or do age and length of M make no difference at all?
Hi SH - I have been DBing for almost exactly a year now, and I originally felt that I might be willing to wait about 18 months. With my W showing no signs of giving up the OM, and a 5th mediation meeting coming next week, I am finding myself on some days wanting to move on with my life, but on more days of the week, wanting to delay and stretch this process out as long as possible, hoping that the OM will make some mistakes and cause my W to reconsider what she is doing.
Anyhow, your question is an interesting one. If this happened during our 7th year of marriage, rather than our 19th, I really think I would have fought just as hard and long as I am doing right now. The more I read these DB boards, the more I think one key element to saving a marriage is PATIENCE. We can see from hundreds of stories how often the spouse in MLC returns one day, but too often the LBS has moved on. That is why, even if my W pushes for a mediated dissolution of our marriage, I am planning on waiting for at least 6 - 12 months before I get into another serious relationship. She may still wake up after beginning to spend more time with the OM (who lives 3 1/2 hours away) and seeing that he may not be the answer to her happiness.
Statistically, most of us will probably live well into our eighties, which means I could still have another 40 years of marriage with my intended life partner (if she wakes up), or five more 8-year marriages { :-] I just learned from my father that his uncle, whom I did not know very well, was married 6 times. However, I do not plan on trying to break his record.
Have you ever seen the BBC comedy "Waiting for God" which is shown on some PBS stations? This program features the occasional romance and frequent capers of a retired photojournalist Diane, and the gentle dreamer Tom who are next door residents of an assisted living complex. These characters remind us that there is no reason we can't meet an exciting and vibrant person to create adventures with, even after we have entered our seventies or eighties. You don't have to fear being alone - try to enjoy the peace that you can create around yourself now, and the future will take care of itself.
Best wishes,
LG
Me 46 WAW 45 M 21 yrs
WAW: "I need to be alone" 12/06 W moves out 3/07 Mediation finalized 08/08
SH You are not rambling we all think it and probably more and more as time goes on Can we move on now and create a happier more campatible life with another I think its the same answer for me in my meditations if I get the clear message to move I will and will allow myself to first, I am committed to God to carry me thru this..all the way The trick for me is to listen the message is clear not what I want to hear..I want out but stay is what i hear for now your time may be up i dont know only you can choose if you are led by the inner deep wisdom, you wwill make no mistakes and therefore take the easier shortest path out of here if you chose by your mind and your need to run,well that is what they did and there is no telling where you land invest in learning to quiet your mind and listen I bet you already know what you need to do peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
LG: Thanks for your reply to my question. I have had the same thoughts about wanting the ogre to show her true colors, but 18 months later, my H is still smitten with her. Even after she threw a glass at him. I know I should assume nothing, but H seems to be really blinded by his supposed love for her. It's literally nauseating.
I also wanted to stretch the process out as long as possible, but I still have 6 months to go on my timeline and I've grown extremely weary of standing recently. The 6 months has become a formality for me at this point. Maybe 90% formality, 10% hope that the A will end/H will come home - y'know the whole MLC 'happy' ending.
I just heard from family member yesterday that H really thinks that ogre is the one for him. H has also said that even if he wasn't with ogre, he wouldn't come back to me. I don't really buy but I also won't be anyone's second choice/wife by default.
I've never seen the show you mentioned, but I do think it's possible to find love at any age. I suppose a lot of it has to do with my kids being so young. I'm not looking at this just as a R for myself. I want the full package. A full-time dad for my kids. A family.
Originally Posted By: Lord Grenville
The more I read these DB boards, the more I think one key element to saving a marriage is PATIENCE. We can see from hundreds of stories how often the spouse in MLC returns one day, but too often the LBS has moved on.
I used to believe this. Now, I'm not so sure. Yes, it happens to some. But the reality is that some MLCers go on to marry the OP and stay married to them. Or they are not strong enough to ever face their demons, which is what I think my H's problem is. If so, he'll continue with this lifestyle indefinitely. There are no guarantees.
I don't think I've come across any of your posts before. Which forum are you in? I'll do a search and try to find you...
peace: There's a lot of white noise in my head right now and my thoughts are all jumbled up. I need to get rid of the static and get my priorities in order and then I think things will fall in to place more naturally. In a way, I'm as guilty as H is for avoiding dealing with the issues at hand.
I've had terrible insomnia since seeing H last week. I'm still feeling very detached and any longing I had for him is a distant memory. Maybe the realization that this is really happening - that divorce is imminent - has sunk in. It's really a strange feeling. Not so much sadness anymore. More like disappointment that things didn't go as I had hoped; that H wasn't able to redeem himself (I think I talked about this on your thread); that I was wrong about his R with her. Of course, anything is still possible and his MLC is far from over. But I feel like I need to use my common sense now and look at things for what they are AT THIS MOMENT, rather than continuing to rely on what I 'think' is going on with H.
Originally Posted By: peacetoday
I bet you already know what you need to do
Yeah, I do. Unfortunately, what I feel I really need to do is file in 6 months. That gives me plenty of time to think about it still, but unless there are some major changes between now and then, I'm ready.
I had a strange feeling come over me earlier. It was that everything that has happened is so far behind me. That none of it mattered - it was all in the past. I instantly thought that maybe this is how MLCers feel when they come out of the tunnel. All the pain and drama seemed so distant. I felt like I was starting with a clean slate. For a second, I also hoped that H could feel it too - that there was no more excitement in his A and that it wasn't too late to start anew.
I seriously need to consider keeping my own personal journal! I swear I must sound like a mental patient. But I enjoy getting the feedback and support from you, so I'll keep posting...
sh- You certainly have been doing a lot of thinking.
Quote:
But I feel like I need to use my common sense now and look at things for what they are AT THIS MOMENT, rather than continuing to rely on what I 'think' is going on with H.
So, if you see thing for what they are at this moment, what are they? What would really change if you stopped thinking about what is going on with your H?
Your H is in crisis Your H is involved with OW Your H isn't pressing for a D You aren't pressing for a D You are moving forward with your life You aren't ready to get into a new R yet
Make a list of what is going on in your life and think about it. Maybe it will help give you an understanding of where you need to be in all of this. Personally I think you are there already...you have just had a set back after seeing your H with the orge. Live your life...enjoy your kids...take your focus off of your H...move forward acting "as if"...if you choose to stand for another 6 months, take it a day at a time.
IMO, you set a goal to give it another 6 months for you...for your kids...not for your H. If you gave up standing, would anything be different other than the paperwork would be filed? For now, I don't really think so...but ultimately, this is about you doing what is going to make you happiest...and what is going to make you feel good about yourself.
SH I agree with UD Maybe take all focus off H and put it back into finding your PMA Do you ever watch Joel Oltseen he is a pastor and very upbeat on tv all the time he is young and very smart I was just listening to his tape..and I so need ed to hear it he said dont make any decisions until it is clear ..put it off until you have a real strong feeling it is right for me , I think I look to D as my way out of the mess as I see no other but if its not the right time..well i wont be out anyway b/c my heart is still here no way to speed this up so UD is right only difference is paperwork wopuld be filed and Id still be here stuck maybe we let go again, focus on us and wait we will know when its right peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
UD: You made me feel so strong with what you wrote that I got teary-eyed. Especially the part about doing this for me and my kids. It reminded me that they are the most important ones in this. You are right about everything else. The D is just a piece of paper. I've been procrastinating about writing anything down - my goals, what's going on in my life, etc. I do think it would help.
peace: I've heard good things about that Joel guy but have never seen, read, or listened to him personally. That's good advice though. I agree that it's still early for me to file. I will make sure that I'm 100% certain that it's what I want before I do it. If you get any other nuggets of wisdom from listening to those tapes, please share with me!
I saw H this weekend when I went to pick S2 up. I made it a quick Hi and Bye. H asked me some questions as I was already making my way to the door - about work and how much I planned on giving as gifts to friend's kids. I kept walking and from outside the room, told him I wasn't sure. He suggested a ridiculous amount and I said I couldn't afford to give that much. Told me not to worry about it and that he'd take care of it. I told him I'll give from me and he could give from himself. I said Bye and left. Not surprisingly, there was money waiting for me today from him when I went to pick S5 up.
He really seems to think he can buy back my affection. Or his guilt is so strong, he'll do anything to appease it.
I haven't thanked him for it yet. I've grown to dislike having to thank him for anything.
I can see how that was possibly a missed opportunity to give a gift jointly and whatever that would entail. But doing so would have only caused me more confusion. I don't want to analyze his moves anymore. I don't want to be pulled back in to his drama.
Each time he senses me pulling away, he seems frantic to reel me back in. Unfortunately, he throws money (which he has no concept of) or material things my way, not realizing that the things I want from him don't cost a thing. Then again, I don't want him to throw those other intangibles at me unless he's ready to give them to me for good. I realized a long time ago that during MLC, nothing they do is right anyway.
Getting glimpses from outside of the MLC bubble feels like slipping in and out of consciousness. I need to wake up! Been putting my own emotions on the backburner for far too long.
sh- Your H sure like to throw the $$$ at you. Whatever the reason for it is, take it if you want and don't worry about it. If you don't need the money and it would empower you, maybe you should think about giving it back to him...might be an interesting 180.
You seem like you are back on track again. Don't let him throw you off. Remember your focus...and it isn't him!!!
SH I guess it best to go with the flow sometimes I cant be grateful for the crumbs he throws this way it is so diificult and we do keep getting pulled in and I think we will keep until the path is clearer and they are back or we are done peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
SH, I agree that writing things down helps. I need to do that too. If things were to start from page one now, do you want a H like yours, at this moment? Do you think your H will like a person like you? I know you are pretty and strong and way better than OW, but from your H's point of view, do you have the qualities that H wants, at this moment? H do not see as coming back as redeeming or correcting what he did wrong, he will come back if he sees you as a more attractive package than OW. That sucks to think who you are competing with, but that's life.
You will know when you are ready to file. I think your heart will tell you. This week will be tough, especially if you are visiting relatives. Take care.
