Glad to hear from you. Your last post did clearify how you have always been dependent on him for your income, etc. And, it is hard for a woman to strick out and learn how to support herself and her kids at this point in life, but there are thousands doing it every day.
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It is so hard for me to comprehend how turning my back on the person I love can bring him closer to me. It just does not sound logical to me. But if I didn't need help I would not be on this board and my H would be home with us,
I know it is hard for you to understand that, but it has a lot of to do with human nature. If you would go to the library and check out Dr. James Dobson's book on Tough Love, it would explain it so well and you could understand where we are coming from in this technique. We humans tend to want what we think we can't have. When a man is wanting to get away from a woman and he feels that she is clingy and holding on to him tightly, crying and pleading for him not to go, and forgiving him for every nasty thing he does to her and her children.....he just wants to get farther and farther away from her. He does not want this.
It is like the story of the little girl that loved her new dolly so much and slept on top of her that night and the next morning found the doll's face had melted. It was b/c in her love for the doll, she had held her too close and in the end....ruined the doll. So, b/c we do love someone so much, we have to learn to let go and not hold them so tightly. In a case such as yours, it may need to "appear" that you don't care, but of course in your heart you do love him completely. It is for his good......your good....and the good of the kids, to pull away from your H and don't cling to him.
I don't know if it makes sense or not, but we humans are that way. If he thought he could not have you quite so easily and may actually have to get his act together and do a little work to get you back.....I bet he would come running to you. But, he knows he has it made, Nicole. You take crap off him and allow him to keep doing whatever he wants.
I know you love him, but I think I told you to "act as if" it didn't bother you what he did. Even though it does hurt and you do want him back....you have to act "as if you don't care to have him and that you are going to be fine, etc"....in order to get him. Listen, when I was in school, girls didn't chase after the boys the way they do now. Guys didn't want "easy girls" back then (unless it was to have sex), but they wanted the nice girls to be seen with and to marry. So, even though the girl might be dying to have a date with a certain boy, she would play hard to get. It was a matter of self-respect and to let the boy know she wasn't an easy target for just anyone that came along. It made her more valuable to him b/c she wasn't easy. Don't you get it? Anything that is hard for us to acquire is valualbe. Oh she might do some light flirting so she would not completely run him off for good, (after all, she did want to give him a little encouragement...lol), but she didn't act "easy" to have. He had to work for her.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it is all the same thing that I'm telling you by acting "as if" you are not so darn "easy" for him and that he will have to work to get you back. All the evidence so far has shown that he hasn't had to do one thing b/c you have been too easy for him. In fact, you are so easy that you are willing to take all the blame just to get him back again.
It bothers me that you are blaming yourself that your H would be home with you if you were not the one that needed help. Why are you doing this? He should have to take responsibility for the decisions he made and the after-effects that his wife and children have had to suffer due to his own MLC and screwing around.
I'm not telling you to stop loving him. I'm telling you to toughen up and show some "attitude" and spunk. Don' think so little of yourself that you contine to be his doormat. Read some books from the library that help women with their self-esteem. There are places on the internet that you can download free that could encourage you in that area. I can't help but believe he has lost some of that "respect" and sense of how valuable you are b/c you have clouded your perception of what loving another person is compared to demanding their respect for you. That's why I told you that I felt you needed to do a lot of work on you, Nicole. You have been beaten down for a long time. You need to hear the real truth, and then accept it about yourself and your M, and you need a lot of encouragement. Then go to work!
You don't know how much I want this to work for you. You are valuable Nicole, not only as an individual, but to those kids. When your H finally gets some sense, he will see how valuable you are to him also. Most of all, honey, learn to like yourself. If you don't like yourself, nobody else will either.
Take care.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
