I know you are trying to help, but at this point, I don't think that entertaining such an extreme hypothetical scenario is the way to go. I spend too much time worrying about the what-ifs and not enjoying the what IS. ...
Hmm. sorry. you surprised me. I didnt think it would be a hypothetical situation that would actually require much deliberation on your part. I thought that you would have a clear answer in your heart, and that would give you comfort in the present.
If you cant look at the situation of,
"If next month, you had to undergo a medically required hysterectomy, and your SD dropped to zero...",
and know for certain, that yes you would still have sexual relations with your H, even though there was no biological desire on your side.... then seems like you are indeed still "suffering" from something. Something that is detrimental to your marriage.
Being "low drive", isnt a problem to marriages in and of itself, in my opinion. The real problem, is an accompanying attitude of, "I'm not in the mood so you're not getting anything, in any way, any how".
Unlike your original description of LDW being like a disease of affliction, that you "recover from".... that problem is not a "disease". It's a choice.
Last edited by Dom R; 02/02/0809:05 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
I guess what I'm afraid of is that neither I nor cac will ever really see me as anything but a recovering LDW. And an LDW is such a bad thing to be.
Whether or not non-cuddly porn watching sex equals crap sex for me or even for Cac in no way implies that you or even my 2bx are bad or even LD. It was my bad that I settled for what was crap sex for ME.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I guess if I'm honest with myself I'd have to admit that I still feel responsible for the old sex life
I think some people are intrinsically HD or LD but most people become one or the other in the context of their relationship. I'm pretty HD in my R but I'd become ND in a New York Minute if I were married to, say, Dom R or Cemar. And I'd be responsible for 50% of that. LD's are usually the designated "patients" (as in, the person that needs fixing) because it's so darn easy to see what they're not doing. What the HDs are not doing is usually harder to pinpoint. But it's pretty much always something. That you're stretching yourself, and cac is stretching himself, to meet halfway is great. It's more than most couples accomplish. You should be pround of yourself.
I also had an interesting observation this morning. I'm finding that I treasure our physical times together, whether it be just touching or sex because it makes me feel loved too. I still love my QT certainly, but because I know that PT is his LL, I really feel the love now when we are physical. Does that make sense? This is a new thing.
My H said something similar to me recently. I think when you start to really meet each other's LL needs, the love is naturally going to start flowing more...both ways. And what is better than that? I'm really happy things are working out for you guys.
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Cobra once alluded to the fact that my LL was QT because of my FOO
I have to say I miss Cobra's perspective on this board. Hope you are doing well out there Cobra, wherever you are...come back and visit once and a while.
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Unfortunately some of us get some bad programming along the way and we sort of adopt other LLs based on our experiences. Certainly touch was not a big thing in my family. My father used to hug me, but not in the cuddly way that Mojo describes. It was more of a roughhousing squeeze that often used to hurt a bit. I don't remember my mother saying she loved me and she still doesn't.
This is the interesting thing about human behavior. No two people will react the same way in the same environment. I didn't grow up in a very touchy/feely house either, but I still think Physical Touch is my primary LL today as an adult. But I also love Acts of Service because I was raised that way too. I would never be with a man today who did not treat me well in that area. That comes from Dad probably. If I was sick, he would run out to the store and buy me my favorite foods, magazines, and stuff. That is just how he showed his love and I knew that. I don't remember ever really thinking "I wish my parents hugged me more" or anything like that. But when I got M, I craved more of that attention from H. Go figure.
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I would feel uncomfortable telling either of my parents "I love you."
I manage to do this today but you are right, it is a little uncomfortable. My parents are both around 80 now (and still going strong mentally and physically - good peasant stock, lol) but I think I know the end can't be too far off. I always make sure to say I love you and give them hugs when I visit.
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OTOH, I tell my son that I love him every day and it feels completely natural.
Me too. It's just different when you are the parent yourself isn't it.
I know, Mojo. I felt guilty when I read your post and I felt guilty when I saw cac's reply, but I forgot that he played a role in it too, in all of it.
LD's are usually the designated "patients" (as in, the person that needs fixing) because it's so darn easy to see what they're not doing.
Yep. And if you aren't bursting with self-esteem, it's not a stretch to just add being LD to the list of things that are "wrong" with you. Because it's easy to see what LDs are not doing, LDs often are blamed for the problem initially and that responsibility is hard to shake, at least it has been for me.
"I should be proud of myself." Several people here have said that to me but it's not something that comes easily to me. I guess that's something to think about. Thanks, SG.
I know how you feel. I have lots of things that I am ready to say... to you... to Cac. I don't think my normal, Pointy Witch Shoes Corri will work here. In this instance.
So. I'm out here... feeling for you. And. I know there is a way through this.
