Would you understand, because your H's siblings had been more reluctant to tend to his mom than he was?
I think it would be more acceptable if his W had actually asked her siblings to take over because her own H was in the hospital too and she needed to be with him. I didn't get the impression she did that. I think that was where she went wrong. What do you think she should have done Burg?
I think Burg is implying that the women here are giving Brian's wife a "break" that they would not give a man if the situation was reversed. I think he's implying that we would be as incensed as Cemar that the husband was not at his wife's side. Just my impression.
However this whole situation is interesting to me because in Raven's and my case it could be reversed. Raven is an only child while my brother's and SILs live close to my parents. Although Raven's parent's have nieces and nephews that would probably help, I would assume that Raven would want to be there if his parents were seriously ill. Also I have family and friends that I know could be by my side if I needed it.
AND as another example a friend's brother went an annual elk hunting trip (against his wife's wishes) while his wife was close to delivering a baby and in the end missed his last daughter's birth. (He missed it by less than 24 hours - he was sure that he would make it) They are still together doing just fine. Maybe not the H's best move but certainly not a move that destroyed their marriage. DO I think it was the wisest decision? NO. Do I think the decision reflected how much he loved or cared for his wife? NO.
By the way, really cute story about this couple. The H was telling their 7 year old daughter not to jump on her bed and she asked "Why not? I can hear you and Mommy getting to." Not much to say to that, huh???
Anyway, question for Brian. Have you FELT that your wife has placed your MIL above you consistently? or is this first time you have had that feeling?
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
I really understood why my bf had to be with his mom when she was going through chemotherapy instead of me with my broken ankle... at first... but after a month or two or so when she was doing fine and he made NO effort to see me at all (and no effort to spend the night)... that's when I figured out I was not and never would be a priority. Not exactly the same thing, I know, but I'm illustrating that a woman is capable of cutting a guy some slack.
what if you were in Brian's shoes rather than in his W's shoes? If you'd been hospitalized twice and had surgery and many dicey nights without your H, who was caring for his seriously ill mother instead, how would you be with that?
To explicitly answer this question:
For ME, if I really felt that Raven needed to be by my side, I would call and ASK him to be by my side. If I didn't ask and his parents had asked, then the fact is he would not be making a value judgment as much as meeting what he thinks is the critical priority at the moment. In other words the person who is closest to death and NEEDS the most attention is the one he would prioritize. IF, by chance, his mother and I were exactly equal in needs, then I suppose I would expect he would choose me. BUT if he was not aware of the equal needs, then why would it be surprising that he would choose the person that voiced their needs the clearest.
TO be clear, saying that my mother was by my side would NOT elevate the needs because it would reinforce that I had someone with me.
However in my case, obviously, Raven and I have a healthy, giving relationship with open communication. Neither of us leaves the other in a position of needing to guess the others needs. It does not mean that each of us is able to completely meet the other's needs 100% of the time. Yet we seem to avoid hurt feelings by being honest about how we are feeling.
In Brian's case unfortunately, his wife was in trouble way before this incident. He specifically said that she is selfish and self centered so it is no surprise that her actions with her mother would be viewed as an extension of that selfish behavior. Whereas those of us reading this do not have the same background to "know" about this consistently selfish behavior and we are just "judging" her behavior based on this specific example.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
SG, what if you were in Brian's shoes rather than in his W's shoes? If you'd been hospitalized twice and had surgery and many dicey nights without your H, who was caring for his seriously ill mother instead, how would you be with that?
Would you understand, because your H's siblings had been more reluctant to tend to his mom than he was? Or perhaps it's really not that huge an issue to you if your H is or isn't with you while you'd be going thru that type of ordeal?
Depends. I'd very much want him by my side but I'm a pragmatist at heart and would defer to a critically ill parent if I was less critically ill and/or already had someone with me and they didn't.
I don't know enough about Brian's wife's sitch. Maybe the other siblings are flakes and not to be trusted with her mom's care. Or maybe it would have been easy to be relieved and rush to his side, and she was just being selfish. Which sounds less likely because she was there for him in the beginning. I simply don't have enough information to make an informed judgment.
As if one trial were not enough, my mother-in-law because ill and needed bypass surgery. It is a complicated situation to explain, but of the three siblings, my W was the only child to answer the call and offer to fly out of state to go to her mother's aid. MIL made it through the surgery fine and was released home on schedule. My W has been there with her M since.
Then, the twist: I took an unexpected turn for the worse. During an afternoon work meeting, I buckled over in excruciating pain. I left work, drove home, and made an appointment with my doctor for the very next day. To cut to it, I drove myself to my doctor's office, he shot me with some meds, and called an ambulance to have me transported to the ER immediately. I will spare the details other than to say that I was in pretty bad shape. Still doped on two drips of a morphine equivalent, I text messaged both my wife and mother, each of them thousands of miles away from me, and let them know what was going on. My mother boarded the very next flight and was by my side the next morning. My wife on the other hand, called several times to tell me she would be thinking of me and wished me well.
So, here is the crux of my dilemma. Yes, my MIL was recovering from a serious procedure. Though, during that time, I was hospitalized twice, underwent surgery, suffered a great deal, and spent many very turbulent touch-and-go evenings with no one but my mother lying on couch next to me. No, I never asked my wife to find another sibling to fill in for caring for their mother so that my wife could come home to me. However, I did not think it should be my place to ask. Now, I find myself very bitter and angry with my W. Though, I am not sure if I really have a right to feel this way.
I'll drop this now because I find it impossible to believe that any woman on this board would be remotely okay with her husband tending to his mother in recovery from heart bypass surgery rather than coming back to be with her as she faced the real possibility of dying. Even SG. Even Fearless.
Cemar's pretty much got this one nailed.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
I'll drop this now because I find it impossible to believe that any woman on this board would be remotely okay with her husband tending to his mother in recovery from heart bypass surgery rather than coming back to be with her as she faced the real possibility of dying. Even SG. Even Fearless.
Cemar's pretty much got this one nailed.
He didn't say whether the siblings would have come, or whether they would have been reliable caregivers. Or what it was exactly that he was suffering from - although that's of course no one's business it would help with the assessment. Lots of illnesses are excruciatingly painful but won't kill you. And believe what you like, Burgbud. It makes no difference.
And the fact that you've written those words does not scare you???
To be clear, I still do not know that Brian's wife understood that during his second hospitalization there was a significant chance of him dying. I also did not hear him ask for her to come home to him.
What about my true story of a man who went Elk hunting against his wife's wishes with the birth of their baby impending? A completely frivolous trip when his wife would be going into labor and with any birth there is always a risk of complications. She had her parents, friends, etc. there and was not alone. No woman I have told that story to (granted my friends are are relatively "normal" women:)) has expressed outrage, concern about the state of their marriage, etc. We just say, "Not the wisest or best decision" but "oh well."
I think you would be surprised that many women are much more pragmatic about things. Your 2bx is seriously nuts but that does not mean that most women are!!
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
Fearless) And the fact that you've written those words does not scare you???
No. Cemar isn't brain dead.
(Fearless) What about my true story of a man who went Elk hunting against his wife's wishes with the birth of their baby impending?
Not analogous. Why such a reach?
To be clear, I still do not know that Brian's wife understood that during his second hospitalization there was a significant chance of him dying.
"second hospitalization"...surgery...was she even *trying* to understand?
I also did not hear him ask for her to come home to him.
I think he explicitly said that he didn't ask for her to come home. Mistake on his part, certainly. But if the roles were reversed, I'm not buying that anyone would give a fig that the wife didn't explicitly tell her H to come home to her.
Mojo's ex gets raked over the coals for not giving her a hug when her dad died (if I remember the circumstances correctly) but Brian's wife gets a pass for staying with her post-op mother while he was quite legitimately concerned for his life, in and out of the hospital and having surgery. That's very instructive.
ETA:
Even my ex would have come home under those circumstances. She has her good qualities underneath all that crazy.
Edited again to add:
I thought Miss IC said it very well though I don't agree with the direction she took her conclusion:
Originally Posted By: Miss IC
I've got aging parents in Florida with my dad being in a nursing home and is on borrowed time. Then I'm faced with IC and his cancer. I know where my priorities lie, but please don't make it out that Brian's wife is a thoughtless or non-caring person for her choice...it's hard!!!
(emphasis added)
Yes, it's hard. When it's hard is when it counts the most.
Last edited by Burgbud; 02/03/0809:37 PM.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
I think he explicitly said that he didn't ask for her to come home. Mistake on his part, certainly. But if the roles were reversed, I'm not buying that anyone would give a fig that the wife didn't explicitly tell her H to come home to her.
Brian wrote that his wife told him that if he asked her to come home she would. Brian thought he shouldn't have to ask. IMO, if he wanted her to come home he should have said so.
How many times have posters on this board discussed that people (especially those of the female persuasion) should not expect their spouses to read minds? Whatever happened to taking responsibility for getting your needs met? Why didn't he just tell his wife he needed her and wanted her to come right home?
If he had asked and she had just blown him off that would be a different matter.
