Many times I try to do things on my own (like find rides for my son) because I get into that frame of mind depending on how I feel with my husband. I mean, if I feel like things aren't going so well, I jump into "self protection mode," and I try to solve all issues without asking for his help. Now, I know this is wrong, and it took him a long time to say to me, "These are my kids, too. I can, and want to, do things for them. Let me."
So, my best advice is to keep reminding your wife of this. It doesn't have to have anything to do with the two of you. They are your kids, too, and whenever possible you will get them to/from the place they need to go. Just keep reminding her. It will sink in.
And, quit being so hard on Ellie. She is a good egg and just trying to help you!
I come across well, generally quiet. I don't yell and I'm only expressing anger ON THE BOARD. Most people like me. Her friends do too. But, they support HER no matter what.
Uggg.......
Frank, I am getting tired of hearing about HER. And her friends. Put a cork in it.
You are still trying to define how you should react given your situation. How you should react to her.
Okay - man to man - two years later for me and for you.
I have only one question. Took me two years to answer.
Who are YOU as a man? Define that. Forget about W and even your kids. Forget about business. Forget about friends. Forget about Jeff223.
Who are you?
There is no need to "save" frank_D as others have said. The guy I know deep down does not need to be "saved".
The guy I know needs to define himself yet again.
Once you do that then you will interact with the world in the right way - your own way. You will not care what others think - especially W and her friends. You will not care about those external forces.
You will not care b/c you will be secure with YOU.
Define who you are and then define who you want to be. Then do it. Become that man, forget the rest.
Get comfortable with you - no one else matters.
"no one else matters" - think hard on that concept. Not the words my friend - the abstract concept.
I come across well, generally quiet. I don't yell and I'm only expressing anger ON THE BOARD. Most people like me. Her friends do too. But, they support HER no matter what.
Uggg.......
Frank, I am getting tired of hearing about HER. And her friends. Put a cork in it.
You are still trying to define how you should react given your situation. How you should react to her.
People, I don't post 'who I am as a man' on the board. I discuss those kinds of things on the phone with my friends who are my support group.
I was answering the question about whether or not I come across as 'angry' when I talk to W's friends. I don't.
I post stuff about my interactions with W on this board because THAT is the most puzzling thing going on with my life that I need insight into.
I don't need to post about 'who I am as a man' on THIS board because I KNOW who I am. Yet it seems that since I am NOT posting that vital information on the board, it's what people seem to want to badger me the most for.
Well, you can stop. I'm quite fine right now, and I'm not suffering from anxiety or fear or panic attacks. At the present time, and pretty much the past 2-3 days since I had the 'I hate this...' talk with W I have not been reacting to her crap very much at all. Let me repeat that: I am not reacting to her very much at all.
But SHE has been reacting to MY detaching / indifference a lot by being angry and pissy. This morning she said 'good morning' to me and when she didn't hear my response she said it again, but LOUDER.
But last night as she was leaving to go to the 'Casino Night' WITHOUT me she said 'bye' and 'messed up' my hair. ???????
She's a nut case. Angry, then reaching out to me.
I keep posting about these events and instead of getting insights I get 'you are so angry' or 'stop talking about her, tell about YOU'.
Geeze people, get a clue will ya? This board is not my main source of support.
Spitfire, Blyndfaith, FIB, Cherishher, Theoden and my two non-Db friends are on my speed dialer and we talk all the time. I'm not alone in this regard.
So, I only post stuff to the board that I want a broad set of responses from, because they are behaviors of W I am trying to understand the dynamics of. Stuff that needs a lot more experienced eyeballs looking at it.
So please, you don't need to try to fix me, and keep me 'on track' fixing myself. It's well underway and I have a great group of supporters I talk to every day. Thanks for caring.
So, please just ANSWER the questions I post, or give me your insights into the observations about my W.
If you know me at all, you'd know I am very good at squeezing a lot of change in a short period of time. I'm not 'all better' but I am LOT better now. W is the one who is now having extreme emotional swings. She was crying in church today, and is generally angry at me now. But then tonight I was a little down because I'm not able to always maintain the 'act as if' in front of her and she caught it, then asked me if I was ok and seemed to actually care.
I know I was a 'case' the first 2-3 weeks. That's how long it took me to get through the panic and pain after being in my severe anxiety / stress / financial state for so long.
Today, I'm in a good place. I'm keeping the detachment up and observing the reactions when they happen. But for the most part I keep away from W, and focus on my own day to day stuff and the work I need to do to clean up my messes.
Ok, I'll stop asking about you. I asked the 'anger' question as I know that my H can on the surface appear Ok and 'nice' and friendly whilst underneath there's a laod of 'snarkiness' going on that affects the way I behave and our interactions.
I feel I can't really comment on your W as I don't feel we get a rounded picture and your previous post saying you only put certain information on the boards seems to back that up. Anyways, you can't control her and you have said several times your M is pretty much over - so why bother asking for insight on your W? Are you still hoping to keep your M together?
Glad you have such good supporters off the boards. I only know Theo out of your list but I know he is a great person, so I expect the rest are too.
I am pleased you have turned 'yourself' around so quickly but have to admit that I am sceptical that you have made permanent life changing moves that are going to keep you on a long term even keel so quickly - but hey - I don't know you and you are seemingly strong willed.
I wish you and your W well.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I feel I can't really comment on your W as I don't feel we get a rounded picture and your previous post saying you only put certain information on the boards seems to back that up. Anyways, you can't control her and you have said several times your M is pretty much over - so why bother asking for insight on your W?
I agree. Why post at all frank?
Never mind, I will leave you alone. I have much better things to do with my energy then to try to figure your W out for you. I was trying to help you as a man, but since you are peachy keen now I need expend no energy there either.
The only thing I can comment on regarding your wife is that she's not clearly convinced she wants a divorce, she still loves you and still wants your kindness and affection WHILE she entertains the possibilty of moving on. I think she's irresponsible with her words like "it's over between us" and her actions, mainly her playing emotional footsie with a married man. She's also unconcious about painful her words and actions are to you.
She seems ungrounded, unrooted, unspiritual, and the best illustration that comes to mind is that of a tumbleweed that's blown by the wind of circumstance and her emotions.
She doesn't come across as a bad or malicious person, just an unsubstantial person. She's not a woman of deep moral character or substance. And, Frank, it would take a major conversion/epiphany for her to become one. I don't think that's going to happen with her friends who talk about "energy" or, perhaps even in the church you go to. She doesn't need a "word for today" or a nice moral lesson or a little boost, she needs to be shaken to the core.
She'll always be OK when your game is 100% on. She'll always be confused and listless when you are weak.
"She's a nut case. Angry, then reaching out to me"". --Hmmmm "I know I was a 'case' the first 2-3 weeks. That's how long it took me to get through the panic and pain after being in my severe anxiety / stress / financial state for so long. Today, I'm in a good place".
I am so glad about that, most people take so much longer to "get it" I ditto above posts.I wish you well.
I don't think that Frank made it clear on the boards until recently that he is, indeed, working on himself.
I think the reason he wants to know what's going on with his wife is that he's a human being and he still loves her. And no matter how brave a face any of us put on this or how much we have detached, if there's a shred of humanity left in us, we weep, we have regrets, we still think there might be an angle in to our spouse's heart. Sometimes we are afraid and we want to know what our spouse may be plotting/thinking. Trust has been eroded.
You know this Jeff.
And you also know that trying to figure out what's going on with our spouses is, largely, a fruitless exercize.
But, still, we all want to know what our spouses are thinking. Do they still love us? Is there hope? What's REALLY going on inside there?
Never mind, I will leave you alone. I have much better things to do with my energy then to try to figure your W out for you. I was trying to help you as a man, but since you are peachy keen now I need expend no energy there either.
Look who is so angry now.
You are. You're taking things personally again. I didn't say anything that was meant to be personal.
And no, I'm not 'peachy keen'. I'm better, and I don't need to be 2x4'rd because I don't post how 'better' I am in detail.
I always appreciate posts that have some bearing on my questions. Too many times I see posts that do not, and are often based on an incomplete picture of myself, and of my situation.
So, As you said 'why bother posting?'. Good question. In the past I was trying to share my experiences so that I and others could learn from them. That no longer seems to be a good idea because too many people seem to think I'm angry and bitter and obsessed with trying to control everything. I'm not.
So, I'm going to stop posting. It's actually hurting me more than it's helping me right now. Thanks for the support I've had so far.
