All Hope is lost/Help - Part 2

[seekpeaceofmind]

This is an interesting line of thought. I think rituals can be uniting and they can be confining. We cooked and ate dinner together almost every night. It got to be a burden even though it was also nice.

My H also used to call or stop by at work, but when I got a more stressful job, I didn't receive him well. It wasn't that I wasn't glad for his attention, but I would still be irritated by the interruption or just unable to shift my attention to him. If I get the chance, I would definitely change that dynamic.
When I realized that we were getting further apart, I tried to change things so that we could connect during the workday. One thing I tried was to get him to meet me for a walk at lunchtime, but it just didn't work out. Part of my reason for that is that I don't like to discuss work when I get home, because I just want to forget about it, but that meant I wasn't sharing a big (the biggest) part of my life with him, so I thought that I could talk "work" on these walks.

Although, looking at it from my perspective and giving myself a break, it is kind of rude to interrupt a person's concentration. It would really irritate me at the end of the day when I would be trying to finish things up so I could leave and he would call for the "what do you want for dinner" discussion. From his side though, I'm sure I just seemed cold and mean. In reality I was frustrated b/c I wanted to be home already and still had work and commute to deal with.

[25yearsmlc]

I don't get it. Why are YOU going? OMG! Pursuing, I don't care what you say or think it is absolutely PURSUING HIM AGAIN....

sorry to yell but that's what the capital letters are for. (SIGH) (sigh again)

I guess I have to say this, again. Please, dear God, NO R TALK and try to be upbeat and Not needing him. He was planning a FUN trip/vacation, not a stressed out scorecard for who was parenting more, versus skiing with the boys and sharing with the s2, forcing decisions from him, asking about his feelings, thoughts, or staring and trying to de-code his facial expressions. Just take a chill pill and relax and do not ask him a bunch of questions about his future, career, childhood issues, blah blah blah. You can't fix him.
Show him he can have fun in your presence, without you assuming a reconciliation. That's pressure and pursuit. Back off and please don't go on a vacation with him again before the M issues are resolved OR HE initiates it FOR the M, not the kids, convenience, etc. Make sense?

just my not so humble opinion.
j-

[25yearsmlc]

Jen-Jam.

I agree with the "I'm a damn good catch" and "If you leave ME, it is YOUR loss". I didn't totally feel that way at the time of his departure. After awhile, I did feel better about myself with GAL and to this day, I feel more secure in that knowledge. He is lucky to have me and at some level he knows he is. He was an ass, frankly, and it was over a length of time that was ridiculously slow. Almost mentally deranged in that he believed everything his "career hero" said, and nothing I said and nothing anyone else said about the JOB OPPORTUNITY etc. I mean, Alaska attracts a lot of MLC men and God only knows why. "The last frontier" etc. I guess.

Now we're here, and he's looking to get out b/c guess what? He was wrong. He knows it and has admitted it and is probably ashamed. So I can usually shut up about it. But what scares me is that it was actually at times, so weird to me, not just selfish. But sick. I mean, really off the wall in his marital revisions. Alien spew.

I can make it on my own, and actually be happy. My R's with our children are so much better than his are, I'll never be lonely I think. DBing and GAL were key to this. And prayer, and listening to God's replies... I love the man he can be and wants to be. But I'll be fine no matter what.
j-

[Evie]

25 yrs - H suggested I go, he asked me.

Either he went on his own or the 4 of us go. The company he wanted to go with only have 2 spaces, not 3, it wouldn't be fair to allow 1 son to go and not the other. He found another company but they don't help out with the children. He and sons really want to see D1 so he asked me to go. If he really felt like he couldn't do it, he wouldn't have suggested it. Yes i'm anxious about it of course I am, who wouldn't be?, but i'm not doing it to pursue him, I don't have any expectations, and I don't see it as a reconcociliation plan either, honest. I'm doing this so that my sons can see their sister, that's the only reason...

We have not talked about the holiday in regards to having a plan or boundaries, i plan to go with the flow, I don't need him and i will not be needy. I can do this and I will. He has already had his upbeat holiday with the boys as I have with my other daughter. H had the choice to go alone, but he chose not too. He has another working trip (skiing) with S1 in March.

I will do my own thing as well as co-parenting the boys. We will make it fun for them. H has already booked a restuarent mid week for us all to go out to dinner mid-week to celebrate s2 birthday. There will be plenty of people in the chalet to socialise & ski with so it won't be the 2 of forced together.

X Dis

[seekpeaceofmind]

When is your trip?

[Evie]

HI Seek,

We leave on Saturday, to travel down to the airport, stay in a hotel overnight and have an early flight on Sunday Morning.

I was reading recently about how to create the right ‘environment’ for the WAS to feel comfortable enough to feel ‘safe’ enough to open up enough to want to spend time with you and at some point in the future maybe talk.


Have any of you wiser DB's ever felt ‘unsafe & uncomfortable’ yourself?

I’m not sure if I’m unassertive (if there is such a word!!!), or just in a place where I feel unsafe or uncomfortable, not that we’re talking R talks, but when I look back at the conversations we had via texts at xmas, I realised that I avoided saying things that I felt were valid, because I was/am afraid that H will answer defensively/angrily b/c that is what he has been doing and I don’t want to alienate him even further, but at the same time he thinks everything is worse and harder for him………

I accept responsibility for my wrong doings, but not everything was my fault.

I guess the anger stage is another phase they're going through, but I think the guilt is easier to deal with than anger. Anger frightens me (my dad had a bad temper).

Do they ever get to the point where they start to see that they have a part to play in the breakdown of the R?

X Dis

[Evie]

i'm feeling really down today.

H seems very distant? I know to 'act as if' and visualise, but it doesn't stop me from feeling that i've done something to upset him? He may just be very tired.

I feel as if i'm not in control atm. He seems to be sending mixed signals for instance he contacts me all the time and seems to take his cues from me and now he's not contacting me at all.

I'm really anxious about the holiday as well. I'm going to try and keep it all light and upbeat, no R talks etc etc

Any advice most appreciated.

X Eve

[seekpeaceofmind]

I have no advice. :-) I do know that it is fruitless to try to figure out why he seems distant and letting yourself think it must be in response to something you did or said. Maybe he's just preoccupied getting ready for the holiday. Maybe he knows he's going to have the week with you and doesn't feel any need to be in contact beforehand.

You feel like you're not in control because. . . . you're not. One of the hardest things for me to accept is not only my own sense of no control (and I understand that "control" is an illusion anyway), but also not being able to influence what's happening in my R. You do have control over you - how you act and how you react with your H as you go through this holiday. I'd be anxious about it, too. I get anxious about a simple phone call these days. If I could put myself in your shoes, I'd probably be focusing on not having any expectations and "rehearsing" how I would deal with things that I know might be touchy or a trigger. Especially how I would try to manage my own emotional levels.

when I look back at the conversations we had via texts at xmas, I realised that I avoided saying things that I felt were valid, because I was/am afraid that H will answer defensively/angrily b/c that is what he has been doing and I don't want to alienate him even further, but at the same time he thinks everything is worse and harder for him

I don't think you're going to get any empathy from H right now, probably the best you can do is practice validating. . .

I hope you have a good time - especially with the kids.

[cat03]

ditto the above.
You MUST realize you are NOT in control and that you are not supposed to be, it's all out of your hands. We set up plans of how things should work, how he should respond to xyz and then get discouraged when they don't.

If he's depending on you about how to act and vice versa that's a vicious circle. If I were to depend on my H's moodiness/closeness/aloofness I'd be a nervous wreck. Your H has shown that he is somewhat depressed and unsure of himself, unhook yourself from his rollercoaster, you can't wonder each time he distances himself "what did I do wrong?" you'll grow old in no time.
Do what your gut says, if he act a certain way doesnt' necesarily mean it is about you or R related.

[Jen_Jam]

Hi E

Remember for each situation there are usually several different explainations. Have a look at this Oasis video. Shows a typical UK high street, and you would think the usual crimes are going on. Then the story rewinds and shows you what really happened. It just goes to show if we make assumptions we can be wrong

Oasis video - not as it seems

My H used to make a lot of assumptions on how I was feeling. OK, that's fine, but he then used to go and ACT on those assumptions as if they were true. it caused a lot of friction.

When is the Ski trip?