UD: You made me feel so strong with what you wrote that I got teary-eyed. Especially the part about doing this for me and my kids. It reminded me that they are the most important ones in this. You are right about everything else. The D is just a piece of paper. I've been procrastinating about writing anything down - my goals, what's going on in my life, etc. I do think it would help.

peace: I've heard good things about that Joel guy but have never seen, read, or listened to him personally. That's good advice though. I agree that it's still early for me to file. I will make sure that I'm 100% certain that it's what I want before I do it. If you get any other nuggets of wisdom from listening to those tapes, please share with me!

I saw H this weekend when I went to pick S2 up. I made it a quick Hi and Bye. H asked me some questions as I was already making my way to the door - about work and how much I planned on giving as gifts to friend's kids. I kept walking and from outside the room, told him I wasn't sure. He suggested a ridiculous amount and I said I couldn't afford to give that much. Told me not to worry about it and that he'd take care of it. I told him I'll give from me and he could give from himself. I said Bye and left. Not surprisingly, there was money waiting for me today from him when I went to pick S5 up.

He really seems to think he can buy back my affection. Or his guilt is so strong, he'll do anything to appease it.

I haven't thanked him for it yet. I've grown to dislike having to thank him for anything.

I can see how that was possibly a missed opportunity to give a gift jointly and whatever that would entail. But doing so would have only caused me more confusion. I don't want to analyze his moves anymore. I don't want to be pulled back in to his drama.

Each time he senses me pulling away, he seems frantic to reel me back in. Unfortunately, he throws money (which he has no concept of) or material things my way, not realizing that the things I want from him don't cost a thing. Then again, I don't want him to throw those other intangibles at me unless he's ready to give them to me for good. I realized a long time ago that during MLC, nothing they do is right anyway.

Getting glimpses from outside of the MLC bubble feels like slipping in and out of consciousness. I need to wake up! Been putting my own emotions on the backburner for far too long.