I'm no expert, but one thing I learned from my DB coach is that it is important to make sure that you don't minimize his down feelings in any way, otherwise they think you don't get them.
so don't in any way say that it isn't as bad as it seems, or point out why things are "really" good
validate his "bad" feelings, by maybe repeating them and telling him you can see how hard he is stuggling.
I think someone said it already, but don't offer him solutions.
If he feels like you get him and understand him, I think it would be less likely that he'll turn to the MOW again. At least that is the tie that binds my H and MOW - she understands him - and in hindsight (with Jody's help) I see that I was minimizing things he would open up and tell me about. I'm an optimist, so it is hard, but I am hopefully getting better at not minimizing.
One thing I think you also have going for you, is that your H can blame some of his bad feelings on his perceived failures with his work (I think I remember that being true for him?). That takes some of the heat off of you. In my case, my H has been doing fabulously with his career and always has, so it must be that he married the wrong person and that is why he was so unhappy.
stay strong BA!
Nature Girl M 40 H 40 M 15, T 19 D11 S9 bomb 3/07 (MOW)
H came home from work a bit later than expected. He had been called into his boss' office. Boss says he doesn't think H has been giving him 100%...maybe more like 80%...jeez, do you think the long lunches with MOW caught up with him? Boss says H does a great job but should put more effort/time into what he does. Wants H there all the time, behind the desk, cranking out the work product. H has to meet with clients frequently and Boss thinks maybe he isn't always out doing that....????hummmm...I wonder????
I'm not saying that H doesn't deserve this...the old H never would have tried to get away with anything...but H now, in his present state of mind...this doesn't surprise me.
Of course I was sympathetic...H was remarkably calm about it..but you can tell he's seething underneath.. Told me he'll start looking for a new job tomorrow. Unfortunately this wasn't in the plans...he was going to wait until he finished school in 6 months before he started looking for something else. This job wasn't the dream job...it was a stepping stone kinda job while he was finishing this degree...so there won't be any love loss....I am worried though about him trying to switch careers, without the degree being done....in this economy. I think the rejections he may face may be too much for him to bear.
oh....H just called (break from class) the anger is building! He's ranting and raving...wishes we were in a better financial position that he could just go in and clean out his desk tomorrow...Thank goodness he realizes we cannot afford to lose his job right now without something else waiting in the wings. He must of talked for 15 minutes about how he's getting screwed again and how he's so sick of everyone else telling him what he can/can't do. He's doing the work of two guys (which is true because the another guy left about a year ago and H picked up the slack and has kept it up all this time) but hasn't had a raise or review in a year and a half (which is also true). He's on the warpath!
Pray for us guys. We didn't need this added stress to our sitch.
Oh my...what next?
BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
I'm sorry! Your H seems to be attracting negativity right now, doesn't he. Probably some deserved, and some not. But with his frame of mind, this might not be fun. Though, maybe, he'll see you as an ally, if you can keep an even keel. Maybe he'll see that you are the person he wants to be with? It could happen!
Hi BA, I think its interesting that its YOU hes ranting and raving at. Underneath this crisis, you are still the closest person to him, I suppose its something that he is able to overload onto you? He must still feel connected emotionally to you, despite the ILYBIDLYA old chestnut? I think that its not surprising that theres disruption for both of you, considering where hes at.
Judt a thought, but if he does so want to walk out of this job, could you be supportive of that? Say, go on then, if thats what you want to do, I support that decsion, we will manage until you finish your degree? So he doesnt feel so trapped? (which sounds like he does).
Ali: You have a good thought...although we've been there/done that. Back in June of 2006 when he walked off a job and didn't work for 2 months until he got this one.....h has been pretty unstable in the job department since 01...this is his 3rd job since then.
Financially it isn't feasible right now...we own our house (mortgaged) and purchased a townhouse (for fix and flip) (mortgaged) in 2006...and it didn't sell...then we rented it out...now the tenant has skipped out so we're making payments on it again....
Update:
H came home from class last night very upset...the more time he's had to think about things the worse his attitude has gotten. He yelled and screamed...he's sick of everything. He says he probably deserves what he gets. He says he knows his position in life is to be a peon for everyone to walk all over....etc...blah, blah, blah,. He was going to call in sick today but decided against it this morning.
There is no reasoning with him when he's like that. He doesn't want to be comforted. He doesn't want to hear that things will work out or that we're doing the best we can.....he doesn't believe things will get better. He said I should put a gun to his head and he can die young so he doesn't have to go on like this.
I'm scared for him. I'm worried about his state of mind. I'm glad he went to work just so I know he won't be dead in the garage when I get home.
I tried talking to him this morning and he jumped all over me...said he'd asked for his space I won't even give him that...which is so far from the truth...what a turn-around in a week....it was one week ago today that he said he wanted to work on us and that he loved me. We had such a wonderful weekend together...had fun, laughed, etc. just like old times. Then Sunday night...bam....and it's gone completely down hill from there. Things just go from bad to worse!
S21 will be home today for the weekend. I'm glad...but also worried about how H will be.
I can't control H. I can't make his decisions for him. I can't convince him of anything. All I can do is love him and try to be supportive and pray alot for the both of us.
I'd rather have him be happy and alive living away from me than have him on the verge of losing it or dying because he is with me.??? Even if he's with MOW when he's not with me, its better than wondering if he'll do something awful if he's alone.
Pray for us guys....we need it!
BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
Hi BA.. I was just thinking.. I dont know where you're based, but if its the same in the US as here.. sounds like your H needs to be signed off work for a couple of weeks. He sounds very depressed and under massive pressure. You just cant keep going under those cicumstances. Rather than quit his job, can he get a doctors note? Will he not go to the docs? To say "He said I should put a gun to his head and he can die young so he doesn't have to go on like this." sounds really serious. My BF got like this after his Dad died (but not as dramatic, just unable to function really) and he got 8 weeks compassionate leave (paid). Even if your H could get just a couple of weeks, maybe that would give him a rest from the madness in his head and sounds like work is tipping him over the edge? Seriously, if this was in the UK, he'd be signed off, defo.
As for changing his mind about wanting to work things out and now wants space.. I'm sorry I cant advise there, I am so new to all this myself!! Dont want to hijack the asvice you were trying to ask for, so... anyone else got something to add for BA !??
Ali x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Hi BA I am thinking of you and praying for you. I have no idea how you could possibly detach from your H given the state he is in at the moment - incredibly difficult. Your situation sounds serious, and I have no idea what to say.... keep looking after yourself, you really cant control the situation or him at the moment, and in the end he is responsible for all actions he takes even if it is because of the MLC fog.
Would you think it is appropriate at this time to go away for a weekend, to get out of the drama, and re-focus on yourself? Maybe it would be good to get away just for a night to have a change of scenery?
Is there someone in H's life that could shoulder the responsibility of H's crisis at the moment, so that you can stay detached? I'm thinking a trusted male friend, or relative, that could be responsible for H's physical safety??
Please let us know if you are OK, and how the weekend went.
BA, Are you OK? Your situation sounds really scary. I have been praying for you and your H. I hope that you are OK and that your H is OK and leveling out.
I think that he probably doesn't realize this right now, but you are probably a surrogate angel for him right now, to watch out for him and make sure that he doesn't do anything to hurt himself. You must be so strong to be able to withstand this unbelievable challenge of the person you love so much hurting you and being so self-destructive at the same time.
The only thing I can think of is that this is so, so, so not about you and your R but about what is going on inside your H. And even his flip-flopping from a week ago taking strong steps towards reconciliation to this past week being so ugly to you doesn't mean he's not moving towards you... or that he won't in the end. It just sounds like he has some real ugly demons inside that are taking over his brain right now. It must hurt so much for him to lash out at you, but I am glad he is actually opening up to someone who cares about what is going on, even if he is doing it in a way that is extremely hurtful.
I really don't think that he is losing it or on the verge of dying because he is with you. It's just that you are the closest person to his heart and he is taking out all of his frustration with his life on you. But the fact that you can say you would rather have him happy and alive and apart from you than the other way around.... that is True Love, BA.
Please let us know how the weekend went. I hope that having your kid home smoothed things out a little bit??
Hey all....I haven't been online for a couple days...so I'll have to try to catch up on all your sitchs today....sorry!
Survived another weekend. Not much has changed. H is in a better state of mind than he was late last week but that changes minute by minute so we'll see what today brings.
I'm trying to stay detached...it's very difficult given the circumstances. I just want to help him so badly...but know that I cannot. I'm torn by my responsibilities as a wife/friend/decent human being...and the responsibilities I have to myself and self-protection. There has been so much pain and hurt surrounding all of this mess and even though I keep telling myself that it isn't about me...it's all about him...it's hard not to get sucked into the sadness of it all!
H is at work again today, not happy about it, but given the choices right now, there really is no other option unless he wants to flush us all down the drain. He needs to make some decisions about his life work wise, school wise and home life wise....and there's no way to force that...but his sittling idle isn't getting him anywhere near where he needs to be to make any decisions.
His constant twisting of our conversations or outright changing things I've said to him is mind boggling! I need to start putting everything down on paper to keep a better record. I could say the sky is blue and he'll turn around and tell me I wasn't even talking about the sky. Confusion abounds!
Having S home was a comfort to me, but I'm not sure H hardly noticed he was around...very sad considering the two of them were like best friends until the bomb. H just kinda dropped S. Very sad.
I'll try to catch up on all the threads today...hope everyone is doing well.
Hugs!
BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
