I spoke with a friend the other night for a long time. He told me that H told him that he thought about leaving five years ago. He also told him years ago that he could do whatever he wanted, when he wanted....that he had his life and I had mine and they were separate. He was/is right. We drifted too far apart.
He was, for lack of a better word, very disrespectful toward me. For a long time.
We have a mutual friend (female). She and her BF meet for coffee every morning. H used to meet up with them. They started going some place different because they wanted to be alone and didn't want to hurt H's feelings. He then started bringing coffee to her work - not to her BF with whom he is also friends with - but just to her. We used to hang out with them - when we did, H wouldn't talk to me. If I initiated any kind of talk or touch, he would become annoyed or dismissive. He bought her gifts under the guise of them being thank you gifts for helping him or us with something. I don't know if she noticed any of this. She is no longer friends with him because of what he has done.
When we would go somewhere, he always made sure that there were other couples with us. As I look back on this now, I realize that I knew this at the time, but didn't want to acknowledge it. Talk about burying your head in the sand.
I know that they re-write history, but it is hard - when you hear it so many times - to not believe what they say. Was it ever good? I am having a hard time remembering when things were. Even the good events, I remember him putting me at the bottom of his priority list. When D11 was born, his out-of-town sister came to the hospital to see me. I gave birth at 8:00 a.m., they all visit and then all leave for lunch. H didn't return until after dinner.
It just got to the point that I started focusing on the kids more than him. I ignored him because I was tired of being ignored. I was so far down on his priority list. He paid attention to himself and his friends.
This sounds like an excuse to me as I reread it. And maybe it is. I should have tried harder sooner. We both should have.
It was a thought provoking conversation. And the friend complimented me many times on how I am handling this. He was not so complimentary to H, yet he is still friends with him.
For whatever reason, DBing, in the sense of getting a life and a PMA, has been easy. I haven't really been doing any of the techniques, like 180s, to see what his response would be.
What hasn't been easy is knowing whether or not I want him to return. He wasn't evil, he wasn't abusive, he wasn't mean. But he is lazy, self centered and pretentious, and has been for a long time. And, not that it is my say at this point, but do I want to go back to that?
