Well I just found my big girl pants and believe it or not they still fit even if I haven't worn them in a while. H's problems are his, his frustrations are his, I am just feeling the collateral damage and this, too, shall pass once he has finished the hay project.
So to make things worse, though, he just called from Iowa. They are getting freezing rain. Unless he turns around and comes back, there is no way he will make the party. I said, do what you need to do to be satisfied with your day. If you need me to take S to the party, fine. If you want me to come pick you up halfway and take you to the party so you don't lose all the ground you covered (his suggestion), fine. Whatever you need, I will support.
He is supposed to call me and let me know here soon.
Hi BobbiJo - I posted to you on the piecing forum, just thought I'd swing by and check out this thread. it is difficult not to get swept up in the drama of the H isn't it?!! So difficult - but glad that you are getting through it - just keep thinking how you'd be of a help if this was a good friend of yours. Don't own the misery, just help him through it.
Just a quick comment on the sex thing: my H and I haven't had sex for 2 years - 2. yes, it's killing me. But, our physical touching is actually quite good. He hugs me, kisses me on the lips, cuddles with me, etc. All of this took time to bring about after his A. Just give your H some time. He'll come around. He has tons of stuff to figure out and he probably figures the sex thing will work itself out in time. He has so many things to fix that sex is probably the last thing he is thinking of.
Hang in there! You have tons of positives in your sitch!
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
You are right, if a friend of mine were overwhelmed, I would do all I could to help. It just makes it difficult b/c my friends don't yell at me when they have a problem
I am trying to be patient on the physical stuff, too. I would be totally fine without sex right now, actually, if I could get real hugs and kisses, some kind of affection that shows me how he feels. I think my LL is physical touch, if that is a LL. That and affirming words, I need to hear ILY every day and it is hard when I don't. But he did say it at 4:30 this a.m. when he left. So baby steps in the right direction....
What would you say though if a friend started yelling at you? Surely you would say something along the lines of what you did. You're doing good. Keep it up!
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
My H tends to direct his anger at me too. I really don't think he has any clue that he does. I feel as if he is acting as if I am at fault for his problems. It sounds like your H is the same way. My H really has a problem expressing himself, he bottles it all up and just stews in his anger. Then it gets poured out on me. So it breaks down to your H has too much on his plate. Maybe he waited too long to start delivering the hay and he realizes his back is against the wall. I am sure it is only adding to his stress level. Do what you can to stay cool. My H was freaking out the other night about packing for his trip. I just made offers to help w/ this and that and asked what I could do to help. This happens every trip and you would think by now H would know what he is doing. I know it is a source of stress so I just try to help difuse. H ended up thanking me for it the next day. Just try not to get wrapped up in your Hs anger because it isn't really you he is angry w/. It is him but you are an easy target.
Sounds like some H's need to silence the little boy and learn to not argue.
I know it is probably not good DBing to suggest that the WAS read any particular book, but I have to highly recommend a book that all H's should read and live by:
Thanks guys for the advice. I will check out that book. And, my H does usually seem to direct his anger/frustration at me. He admits to me and MC that when something irritates/upsets him, he pushes it down repeatedly until one day it all comes out in an inappropriate way, usually unrelated to whatever was upsetting him in the first place. I tend to bear the brunt of his anger and have for several years. Your messages helped me to remind myself: 1)He is about to quit his job, which is a big deal 2)He is about to start a new job, which is a big deal 3)He has to move tons of hay which he doesn't have enough time to do and is no doubt making him feel trapped 4)He wants to be working on house projects to get it ready to put on the market, and doesn't have time to do so b/c of the hay situation 5)He just decided within the past month that he wants to work on his M and that will eat up a lot more time, with the MC, spending time talking to me, etc. Time he doesn't have right now b/c of the above list of issues
So for me to be a prima donna cry baby right now and pout, or to demand that he "pay attention/be nice to me" would just annoy the crap out of him. His reaction would basically be, "Do you have any idea how much $#it I have to do right now??"
I need to remember that he is juggling a lot of plates right now and I do not want to be the reason they come crashing down. I want him to remember this time as a time when I helped keep the plates spinning, or at the very least (probably to his preference actually) I stayed out of his way so he could keep them spinning the way he wanted them to spin. If I come running in throwing my plates (trust issues, need for affection and attention, etc) at him, it will not make our relationship better.
Part of me is a little bitter b/c I feel like our M should be priority #1 to him, since it affects us, our kids, our family, our future, etc. But to him I know the job thing and the hay thing are more pressing b/c there will be immediate consequences if he screws them up. Those people he answers to don't love him, they don't have to be supportive. I love him and I can be supportive. So I should try my best to do so.
Well I guess I sort of just tried to give myself a pep talk. I was hoping you guys would give me one....Do you think I am on the right track? Just wait until the dust settles on the job change/hay delivery, etc. and then see if he turns his attention to our R/M??
You surely are on the right track. You are being very selfless (or unselfish if you prefer) when it is apropriate and this is great. It appears you are keeping a pretty good handle on not letting the emotional side of your self fm drastically overtaking the rational side. This can be quite a challenge for some women You are going to achieve positive results this way.
Thanks Tomato! I wish I could say you are totally right, but
I DID write up a text message (of course he is back out delivering hay) saying that he didn't seem to enjoy spending time with me today, was it b/c he had second thoughts about us, or b/c he was preoccupied with his other obligations?
But then I remembered how an hour earlier he had called from the road to talk to me/check in with me even though he didn't have to.
So I deleted the TM without sending it.
I am trying to be unselfish, but still having those selfish impulses!! I have been 99% emotional side most of my life so this new, 60% rational me is a total 180.
Thanks for the encouraging words,
I'll keep praying for you, hope you do the same for me....
And as for your parting line about trusting the Lord with all your heart, I better not lean on my own understanding b/c these days there is a lot I don't understand
BobbiJo, I don't think I could give you a better pep talk than the one you gave yourself. You really took the time to think about what others said and what your H needs from you right now.
Thank goodness you didn't send that text. That sounds like it would backfire. (I know I got lucky the other night with one I sent. I immediately regretted sending it, but luckily it cleared the air a little.) Face it, your H isn't going to enjoy every minute he spends with you, especially with all the pressure he has right now. Try to be happy that he didn't move out and that he is spending time w/ you.
I too am a queen of emotions. H always knows when I'm upset and used to ask what was wrong. Like an a$$ I always said nothing. Now I'm working on expressing myself calmly.
You are going to achieve positive results this way.