Another Tool for Piecing...

[Utterly]

Char;

You're right the problem is not this individual exchange of behaviours but the underlying problem of communication -- which, trust me, is not unique to your sitch alone.

Your H made a choice in the way that he choose to communicate his emotional state at the time the hug was not reciprocated. You made a choice in how you were going to respond to his response, ad nauseum. Now, the problem that I see her is that for you it seems no big deal, but obviously it is a big deal to Mat. How you figure out to reconcile this disparity is the real challenge.

Now, as to the label; Passive/Agressive I tend to disagree with you there. I do not see this exchange as indicating Passive/Aggressive behaviours on the part of Mat. Now, had he simply walked off and sulked, not telling you (even when you inquired) what the underlying problem was then that would definitely send up a red flag. However, I agree that the way this was communicated is not very pleasant for either party.

My suggestion is that in the future you try to meet this sort of communication with humour. Yep, heard me right. Defuse the emotional situation before it gets a chance to fester. Take a look at the way you indicated the exchange between you and D.

It's really got to suck that you feel this way when your H does this sort of thing. Please remember that you are in control of your own responses, without too much effort you can look at this in a humorous light. Maybe thats what your H was trying to do, mask his own slight hurt with humour -- he just isn't very good at it?

This sounds as if it is a custom made situation for DB'ing. You have a behaviour on your H's part that you react negatively towards. Changing that behaviour is the goal. Now remember, DB'ing is all about the butterfly effect, you do not attempt to directly change your partner's behaviour, rather you try various solutions based on changing your own behaviour (as the only behaviour you really have total control over). Monitor results and do more of what works.

You are a bright woman, I am sure that you can come up with several, if not dozens of different ways to react in these situations. Experiment and monitor. Keep those responses which improve the sitch and ditch those that don't. Also, please keep in mind that your pride and feeling of self-worth are not derived from what other people say or do, but from what you yourself say and do.

Peace Out