I decided I'll give him some space and do my own thing. I don't want to get in a "waiting mode" because he is very slow and he is checking me out at the moment.
That seems right.
Originally Posted By: Kalni
Any suggestions on how to move on very welcome.
Are you really in "move on" mode?
me: 47 H: 48 he has 2 grown sons M 1995(my 1st, his 3rd) hit iceberg 6/07 S 9/26/07 before now
That sounds like some great progress to me! At least he is leaning toward coming back enough that he is asking the C how he should do it if he decides to come back. You are right about keeping busy doing your own thing b/c I think our H's get scared away if they think we are hovering waiting to pounce on them the moment they seem interested.....
But I am so hopeful for you and can't wait to hear what happens next. And when you said you wanted help moving on, I took that to mean moving forward with things, not moving on away from your H. Was that right??
Thanks for following my story. Bobbijo and Seekpeacemind, you are right. I made a mistake. I meant move forward.
I had time to think about it some more and basically it's the same DB rule applying in my sitch too: patience!
He came over today to take the kids to a party. First of all we weren't back from a friend's house so he was waiting for us outside our home. Then we got upstairs, got the kids ready and I ... left to go visit a girlfriend that just had a baby. He stayed with the kids at our home for an hour or so because it was still early for him to go to the party. I hope I didn't overdo it, I think he expected me to stay around until it was time for them to leave. I had informed him on the phone earlier that I was planning to leave.
See what happens when he brings them back. I was thinking maybe to ask if he wants to have dinner, maybe? I'll play by ear. (I am running out of English words, have you noticed?)
Thanks all Kalni
PS Woog, I am planing to do what my C says. Pre requisites. I wouldn't know how to express them and not sound as if I am setting terms, but I feel I have a lot ot time to figure that out until he actually decides to make the move. He is SO SLOW!!!
Guys, I am very passive at the moment, is that normal? I should be thrilled, no?
I thought you probably meant "move forward". Wow, your kids are always going to parties! It sounds like being a kid in Greece is a lot of fun. Playing it by ear sounds good.
It sounds healthy to think about prerequisites because you probably already have them deep inside, even if you haven't articulated them. Maybe you could start with what seems too obvious to need to even say. From what I understand we're so eager to have our Ss back that sometimes we forget about our own needs. I have read that when the S does come back frequently the LBS's issues start to come back. So to have that expectation and think about it and prepare for it ahead of time is probably very helpful and healthy.
I think it is also normal to feel passive about progress sometimes. It is such a rollercoaster I think our emotions don't always act as we expect them to, but that doesn't mean anything is wrong inside.
I know you think your H is slow, but from my point of view it seems like he's moving at a Medium pace! you know, even if the speed was up to you, I think you are supposed to Go Slow with the R no matter what, otherwise the WAS can get scared and freak out. (like if this weekend you went through the sex positions calendar , all the pages for the months of january and february, he might get a little spooked). So you are lucky that you don't have to slow down your H, b/c he is already Slow Enough!
It is better to move slow and steady, than to have lots of confusing rapid returns and alarming departures, right? (which seems to be a pattern esp for MLC WAS)? So slow... like you said... what was that thing about slow honey?
T, I am glad to have met you even under these circumstances. Patience is not a virtue it's a pre requisite. You are right, my closest friend told me she is afraid of the moment I'll let everything out. She feels I am pressing myself too much to be polite and friendly etc. etc. WRONG!! I feel good. I do not do it on purpose. The only thing I am holding back at the moment is the urge to get him down on some serious calendar positions (12 months in a week, fast forward motion !!).
Seriously now, I am a bit afraid to start thinking of what we should do once we are together.It feels premature. I am worried I will bring bad luck and stop the progress. He is known for being indecisive and complicated in a weird way. He may not believe a word he is saying. He is known for keeping doors open just a bit just to be sure he has an alternative. Who knows what goes on in his mind right now?
BUT, I shouldn't be complaining. As "The Secret" says, one of the secrets of happiness is being thankful.And God knows I am!! XXXXXXXXXXX Kalni
I would just play it by ear, too. See what mood your H is in when he gets back. If he is in a good mood, invite him to dinner, if not, don't. One thing I am bad at is choosing the right time to approach H. It is in the Divorce Remedy book to choose your times, but I always seem to start talking when he is half asleep on the couch. Not prime conversation time!
Anyway, see how he is acting and then ask him to dinner. As long as you aren't showing him brochures for your already-planned second honeymoon, I don't think you will scare him away!
Seekpeacemind, you are right. I made a mistake. I meant move forward.
I had time to think about it some more and basically it's the same DB rule applying in my sitch too: patience!
That's what I was suggesting - not that you used the wrong words, but that there may not be much actual movement for a while and that patience might be the rule of the day/week/month. . .
me: 47 H: 48 he has 2 grown sons M 1995(my 1st, his 3rd) hit iceberg 6/07 S 9/26/07 before now
The only thing I am holding back at the moment is the urge to get him down on some serious calendar positions (12 months in a week, fast forward motion \:D !!).
You make me laugh so hard! Don't worry, I think it is just a matter of time before you are writing your own Positions Calendar!!
Seriously now, I am a bit afraid to start thinking of what we should do once we are together.It feels premature. I am worried I will bring bad luck and stop the progress.
Wow, I think this is very wise. I don't know if this will help, but sometimes I try to do visualization when I am feeling very happy, open, and not needy. I will imagine us being happy in the future together. But not in a clingy, this-has-to-happen way. more like a "this is a beautiful possibility" way. That might be a way to put positive energy into the situation. But I only feel good about doing it when I am in a non-fretful place.
I also did an exercise and made a list of fun things together that we could do once we start spending time together. It was part of me experimenting with "do something different" and I feel more prepared knowing I have this awesome list of really surprising activities for us to share! One of the patterns in my R was to be a little home bound even though both of us are very adventurous, for some reason we didn't have a lot of adventures. So I brainstormed a bunch of adventures, that HE would enjoy, instead of being focused on my preferences (another pattern I would like to change). Maybe that would be a creative way to think about it too?
Or maybe you could just start writing your own calendar !!
Kalni, you have had a lot happening this past week. Sorry I haven't stopped by but I had a week from he!! at work. I love the calendar idea. H and I have been sending suggestive text msg off and on for the past two weeks. Giving him something like that would be a huge 180 for me.
I am glad you indication that your H is thinking about coming back. My H sees a different C than me and shares nothing about his sessions. I really think his C has told him the solution to our problems is to get the he!! out. My ray of hope is that H went to see a new C a couple of weeks ago although he is still seeing to other one.
As for the list of what you want if he comes back...that is a hard one. I can think of a lot, but I worry so many will be seen as being to controlling by my H. Pick wisely and carefully.
So you are lucky that you don't have to slow down your H, b/c he is already Slow Enough!
!!).