This link offers information about Passive/Aggressive behavior. It's a term I often used in the past when tyring to put a label on the way my H was acting.
I'd forgotten about it, recently however, because there wasn't much in the way of "passive" behavior while we discussed Divorce.
But, now that we are "Piecing", and we've laid down the big guns, the little weapons we used to use are again available.
Yesterday, H came up and hugged me from behind. (Mind you, I was leaning over the trash can...) but.... I didn't push him away, nor did I turn around to hug back. A minute or two passed after the hug and H said sarcastically, "Gee, thanks for the hug... that was the best hug I ever got...".
That feeling... that "ugh... this feels really familiar" feeling... came over me. I shook it off, came back in and gave H a nice long hug.
I'm thinking THIS is one of the BIG things that has to change. This kind of statement is designed, subconsciously or not, to make me feel like I'm NOT DOING SOMETHING RIGHT, like I'm bad or EMOTIONALLY DEFECTIVE...
So, gang... Maybe you can help me turn the BIG goal, that "H will stop passive/aggresive behavior", into action statements that concern ME. Any input, as always is most appreciated .
I see what I can do to help on the link above. Do any of y'all have experience in this kind of thing? Overcoming it in either yourself or your mate?
I would make sure he got the biggest hug he ever got sometime in the next week or so (take care of his complaint)
It sucks the way he communicated his needs to you but the typical/natural response to confront him about being passive aggressive would be a cheeseless tunnel??
I agree,he is trying.I think what he really wanted was for you to turn around and hug him back.Thats what I would want if I ever get the guts to try to hug my X.Now that we are spending alot of time together that is what I miss most. It's not the sex but just the knowing that I can touch or kiss her whenever.I now realize that alot of the pressure I gave for sex when we were having problems was looking for that security that she still cared.He is trying to connect and he probably wanted to say something else but controled what he said to something sarcastic hopeing you would get the hint.
Quote: I'm thinking THIS is one of the BIG things that has to change. This kind of statement is designed, subconsciously or not, to make me feel like I'm NOT DOING SOMETHING RIGHT, like I'm bad or EMOTIONALLY DEFECTIVE...
I don't believe it's designed to make you feel bad...it's simply his lashing out at you..he must have felt hurt that you didn't respond to his hug...and so was sarcastic about it.
I wouldn't go putting labels of passive aggresive or anything else on it...a bit childish yes..but aren't we all a little apt to be childish when our feelings are hurt.
so, he'd rather hurt me with sarcasm than face his own fear?
sounds like nothing should have been said at all
RandyH, You said you gave your W a lot of pressure for sex. My H did this too and then began to feel like my every advance was to "shut him up".
Shall my hugs now be considered given to "shut him up", as well? Can't you see how this completely invalidates me?
See, here... it doesn't matter what I feel. It matters what H feels. Here, H's feelings are more important to him than mine. All well and good, I suppose, but MY acts of kindness to him are FOR him... NOT for me... you see what I'm saying here?
Listen, too... I'm not saying H is like this all the time, it's just that there are moments. I'd like to learn how to deal with these moments, and I'd like H to learn to also.
if one of your children came over to you while you were taking care of the trash and hugged you from behind how would you react?
would you ignore the child simply because "they" were the one who wanted the hug...they were the one who wanted to express their love for you at that moment..would you be mad at them if after having their love rejected they walked of and pouted??
not saying you should treat your h like a child..but if he wanted to hug you because he loves you and for some reason in that moment that he watched you empty the trash...he felt love for you and wanted to express it by hugging you...the thing to do might just be to hug him back...or at least sqeeze his arm or something...
These adjectives mean having or marked by a feeling of bitterness and a biting or cutting quality. Sarcastic suggests sharp taunting and ridicule that wounds:
sometimes, my d hugs me so hard i almost fall i say don't fall me down d says okay mama
d does not say
"gee thanks mama, you really make me feel good about myself"
d has no clue how to use sarcasm yet
i did not say to h
"oh, thanks for hugging me over the trash can, that really makes me feel good about myself"
i just let H hug me
this conversation is making me sick i'm gonna be more mad at H than I was yesterday because you're so vehemently defending his position i said i hugged him back and the deal was over
the underlying behavior powering that exchange causes me grief...
The passive-aggressive link describes my STBX too!
It was very frustrating for me when he acted that way. I also use to feel like there was something wrong with me. I can really relate to your feelings of "not doing something right" or feeling "emotionally defective." Over time I just started to feel like a generally "bad" person.
Let me know if you find a way of dealing with your H's behavior.
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