Loving a WAS isn't easy

[saus16]

Thank you Sandi for all of your insight and thoughful advice. I have to admit, I myself was quite discouraged after reading a reply that you had written to me. Your wisdom and compassion help me to see what I might be scared of. I can't imagine waiting 12 years for anything. I agree with your comment to Bryan, the OM always figures in. And in my case, I had the finances to walk and the OM took care of the rest. Why is it that most men don't appreciate the women while they are there? In Bryan's case, he neglected her for 6 months and in my case my H neglected me for 7 years.. I guess everyone has their breaking point. A question that I often ponder is the same question that Bryan asks..What was my frame of mind when I walked? I try to recall, and I come up blank..It's as if I were in a trance..In my normal state of mind, I wouldn't and couldn't have made such a rash and sudden decision. If you have re-read my stich, I had an accident in May, and the emts called my H, and he laughed and said nothing. The man that became the bf showed up at the hospital and stood by my bedside professing his love for me (this man had been a friend of ours for 4 yrs) and at the time he was engaged to another woman. I took it as a sign from above, and by that point I had embarrassed the H infront of his collegues...as they all saw the bf express his love for me in the place of my H's employment!!!I felt as if I had no choice but to leave. And why on earth did my H allow me to take those precious babies with me? There are so many things that go through a WAW's mind, I'm not even sure we could keep up if we tried. One thing for sure that I can attest to , is that at some point the WAW does realize that the grass is not greener and the most important thing the LBS can do is be there for them as a friend, a lover or whatever they may need!!! All of LBS's efforts will pay off. In Bryan's sit, I agree with you Sandi, she is acting out in certain ways, with the nose piercing and the T-shirt- I agree she is trying to regain her youth. Once again that's not always a bad thing, I've been there as well..It gets old quickly..Sandi, on a side note, I feel that I have been recieving positive signs from my H, but than it's like he gets scared and than backs off. We never had much intamacy in our marriage, but the several times that we have had sex since I've been back, have been amazing (no kissing, or cuddling) but it has been good. I took this as a positive sign..seeing as we were working on an issue that we had yet to work on..but now it's been about 10 days since he last tried so I asked why and he said that he couldn't because it makes him want to be close to me. But Michelle says that sex can help things along. He still comes and gets in bed with me and I really think he wants to be with me (why else would he stop seeing the gf?) If sex can bring us closer than what's the matter with that..He's getting ready to leave for a week and I'm scared of what that might bring: Ie: good=he will miss me or bad=he realizes how peaceful it is without me. The bf showed up in the driveway earlier this week and would'nt leave until I came out of the house and listend to him. He wants me back and will go to great lengths to do so. I told my H, had to because the kids asked why the bf was in the driveway. And the H said he didn't care, I told him that I wish he would have fought for me in some way shape or form...like i said in one post...how do you know if the H ever loved you to begin with. My H claims to have been miserable for years, but throughout those years, I carried two of his children for 10 months each, nursed them for 16 months each, built us a beautiful home, sat by the bedside of my son who almost died when he was two and than a month later almost lost my newborn daughter. Throughout this entire time, it seems like he would have told me, or even before we tried for a second child, or before we invested our life savings building our dream home. Why didn't he stop the marriage....before He MADE me walk out and become Hector Prine (aka. the scarlett letter) I am doing my best, and like I've said, I realize the reasons for my leaving, and the chances of me leaving again are zero. I owe too much to myself, my children and to him. I look in his eyes now and the hurt is still there, I feel as if he wants to hold me with all of his being, but he's scared of the pain that he knows I'm capable of causing. I want to prove to him that I can love him completely, but he has to give to me something to work with. There's a song that was just released this week by a band called Lifehouse, and it has a line in it, that says exactly this. He doesn't have to hold out his entire hand just yet..a pinky will do. I a strong person in my professional life, I've just never been able to be in my personal life..Marilyn monroe had a saying that I had on my office wall "Kiss, but do not love, Listen, but do not believe, and Most importantly, leave before you are left. I guess you could say that's always been my moto..once again a protective sheild. Anyway, I appreciate all of your honest advice and will look forward to hearing what you have to say...whether I'm ready to swallow it or not..Take care.