Thinking.... I am trying too hard , trying to let go of all my fear. It feels like it is going to swallow me whole. I am letting my mind take over my heart and it hurts...
I am thinking too much and not just allowing myself to feel this good love that we have......
I am afraid if I trust you..... I will get hurt and this time it will be so much harder than the last time to get up and brush myself off.
I am walking towards what I want and yet I feel frozen. Frozen by the pain , frozen by the memories, frozen in this state of mind before I can move thru. When will this feeling go away?
I am here writing to let these feelings out, It feels like I have been working a long time....
..... and I am tired and I feel overwhelmed. I feel like everyone else is normal and I am the only one who loves this much and gets so lost in trying to make it better. My heart aches, and why I cannot explain. My H is being wonderful and for some reason I am terrified. I just want to break down and cry, it feels like I am up against something that just wont let me be still and blissful. I just want to be happy. I want to be like "Jane" down the street who seems to have it all together,, and at the same time I know there is no such thing. People look at me and envy me and they have no idea the pain that swirls around my soul at times. I dunno maybe this is the last step before I really give every last piece of my heart to him and it scares me. What if I trust you again , will you love me like I love you? will you remember I have feelings just like you do? will I remember that you are just as fragile as me? will I hold your heart in my hands and handle it with TLC? will I forget everything I have gone thru and have to go thru it over again when my fear holds me down and I let you down by closing down again? I know in my heart I will not let you down but I am scared that I am not showing my love,,, that I just keep it in my heart locked up tight. It is a love so beautiful and I want it to reach you and I want you to see how beautiful it is and feel it in your heart. I will try very hard this year to have what I hold deep inside just for you to be given to you in little ways everday, try hard to let you know WHO I AM and why I am here with you. To hold your love close to me but also let it go and watch it grow.
.....Words dont mean a thing to you , you want to see my love and you want to feel it and you want me to be strong and lead with my beautiful spirit. Somedays it feels like my wings have been clipped and I am trying so hard to reach you..... maybe God is holding them down so that you can fly on your own and REACH ME?! I will keep praying and keep working on me and keep my light on cause I need to and this change feels so different. I feel so strong and at the very same time so damn vulnerable....... God bless....Ali
