I told you there must be some kind of "rules: with this meet up thingy.... See If you don't try to avoid things and work through them things go get better..
By the way I was not that "creepy guy" you were talknig about right????.
Hope ya have a great wine and cheese party.... When ya have a beer and chips one let me know....
your buddy Dr Love..........
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
woah H.... Dr. Love??? may you ARE the creepy guy. haha
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Thank you all so much!! Lots of great points and things to think about.
OT RIGHT now? That secure loving M I mentioned would be good. But in terms of what is actually realistic.. I was really mulling that over all day and then SD pretty much hit the nail on the head - posting exactly what I was thinking. I would love some kind of clarity on what it is that I really do want, and how to work towards that instead of being stuck.
About the strawberries - thank you for the advice!! I made them once but it was a lonnng time ago and I didn't remember how to do it. I hope I can make them - went to two stores yesterday and one had some really sad looking strawberries, the other they looked good but they were really expensive! Trying Smart & Final tomorrow, I imagine I'll have more luck there.
Michelle Aww thanks! I hope it's fun, I think it will be. I normally do a lot more decorating and such but trying to keep it casual and low key, so I'm restraining myself..haha.
ST Dunno.. it is very odd on creepy guy. The only person that knew anything was the organizer (well, plus you guys, and my Mom... ). It's entirely possible he just dropped out and decided to go to something else, but it's still weird that he ALSO deleted his messages.
On the limbo/MLC - well, we're coming up on 2 years in May since he apparently decided he was "done." That was prior to our weird "summer of lasts" where he was almost going over the top to make things good.. but in a weird final way.. like our "last" trip to the fair together, "last" time boating.. he never SAID it but I definitely felt it and knew something was off. Oh and the summer of OW where I tried to be friends with her and all that ick. The bomb dropped in October of that year. Hard to believe it has been so long.
Progress is a funny thing.. 6 months ago things were MUCH better.. 3 months ago, MUCH worse than they are today. I have a LOT of patience, but the question definitely comes to mind that at some point that may be a bad thing.
Anyway.. not to sound "down," just in a kind of thoughtful mood.
On the mood - I think it really was just one of those days - and you're right, we all have 'em! I don't think it has anything to do with me really. Even with all the GAL stuff I've made sure to check out his race car progress every day, talk about how his day was, cook dinner and we eat together, etc. He was in a much better mood last night. Sooo nice too, I was cleaning for the party and he started helping me - even steam cleaned the carpet!! Wow!! Yes, thanked him profusely for that.
SD Hey if you want to take a little road trip you're welcome to come over! (ok that's more than a "little" road trip..haha).
Good point about snapping at H. We ALL have our "moments" that's for sure.
About IC - short answer is no, I'm not, and I know I should be. Longer answer... I haven't ignored this but I did give up when I shouldn't have! I may need to just suck it up and pay for one that's not on my insurance. I had/have a list of about 30 that are covered. Saw two different ones and they were really, really bad. So.. I decided to start "screening" them before hand and called another dozen or so of the covered ones. Most didn't call me back and the ones that did sounded about as off the wall as the first two. So.. I should probably either go to our MC as my IC, or ask her for recommendations (I did this before but she didn't know most of the ones on my insurance - the ones she did know were on the list that didn't call me back - I'm sure she knows plenty who are not on my insurance).
I really like that book line!! You are absolutely right.
Ohhh yes, H is very uncomfortable with expressing his feelings.. the few times we saw the MC she was amazed at just how hard it was to get him to talk (I was amazed at how much she got him to, though.. usually after some lonnnnng uncomfortable silences and lots of starts and stops on H's part).
You're right that we'll need to have that talk at some point, and I completely agree with you that I need to get clear on my own feelings first. As I mentioned I kept mulling over OT's post all day yesterday and I came to that same conclusion. I will "think" I'm clear when I'm really not. Thanks for the reminder how important this is as part of life in general too, not just in our sitches.
OT and SD I don't think MC is a 100% requirement for reconciliation - but would agree tht in our case I think it's going to be the best bet for learning how to communicate better. We could attempt it on our own too, just think MC would be far more effective - at least a few sessions to learn some better ways to handle things.
H / Dr. L haha you've been found out, you ARE the creepy guy!! I'm totally kidding..
There really aren't any "rules" for meetup. It's all left to the individual organizers of each group. It's really sort of a "social networking" version of Craigslist or something. The organizer of the wine/cheese party group said that if he does get out of hand I could get in touch with the people who run the site and they can block him - but it's not really at that point, just enough to make me cautious about the guy.
haha a beer and chips party eh? I'll keep it in mind!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I would really hesitate to use any of those ICs. maybe just plan on doing 2 or 3 sessions, and just find the best of the best and forget about the discount. If you get a free IC that sucks, what good is that?
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
That sucks about the counselors. I had similar problems in that H agreed to MC for a brief period and I was playing phone tag with this one until he declared her a flake and said I should find somebody else which didn't happen fast enough, I also had a lot of problems with not getting call backs, and H declared things over and said he didn't need fixing so he wasn't going (but he thought I should go, because I'm bipolar and really need meds and counseling and I should also have a few purely sexual flings to get over my intimacy issues *rolls eyes*).
Maybe you should take a cue from the MC and let him go on some very looooooong awkward silences lol.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
OT Still mulling over your posts - thank you again for your thoughts.
ST On the ICs, yep, I think seeing a bad one is even more damaging than not seeing one at all. I had hoped to eventually find one on my insurance list that would be good, but lack of success there is leading me not to go at all which isn't good! Even if I can only afford once a month or something that would be better to get a good one.
Michelle If you ever do get to the point of needing an MC again I can recommend a really good one for ya! Expensive ($115/session) but she is excellent. Michele Weiner-Davis (the writer of DR) actually recommended her to me when I asked for a recommendation in my area. Her focus isn't exactly a DB/DR type of approach - but she's very much solution oriented, focus on the future, actual techniques to implement in your life, etc. And she got my H to talk which is a monumental feat all on its own!
Hope your final went well this morning. It was so great to see you last night, sorry we didn't get to visit more!! I had a blast but kept feeling like I didn't get enough time to hang out with everyone individually (always the way with parties, though). Hope you had fun! Too bad you had to leave for finals.. we broke out the disco ball and dance music around 11:00 or so.. . Only a handful of people were still here at that point but we had fun.
Oh, and I REALLY hope "K-Fed" didn't freak you out too much. He's nuts, as I'm sure you could tell , but he's harmless. Believe it or not that was him being relatively mellow. Totally funny, he and H got back from wherever they went at 2:30 AM and he was STILL talking about you, but then said "But damn, she kept flashin' that ring at me like some kinda 'I'm married' beacon so I guess that's not going anywhere." (like it was anyway right??? ). If you read my post about last weekend and the guy who was out with the girls and they were all talking about cheating (meanwhile his GF was at home waiting for him) - I'm sure it will come as no surprise, that was the same guy!!
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Had a lot of fun at the party last night!! I was getting all antsy/nervous around 4:00 or so because I always get the "what if no one shows up" jitters. The organizer came about an hour early and people started arriving even BEFORE the official 7:00 start time though so that was cool. H decided to stick around for awhile and I was kinda nervous how that would go. A few people were visibly very surprised to hear my introduce "my H, [name]" - shook his hand while giving me an "oh really???" kinda look. They all or mostly know I'm married but I think since no one's ever seen him and I rarely talk about him they weren't too sure what was going on (these groups are my refuge from all the 'stuff' so don't talk about it a lot).
I think around 20 people showed up - perfect!! Good sized group so there are lots of different people to talk to, but not so many that it's packed in the house. I think H was rather surprised how many guys showed up. He was actually doing pretty good for awhile - being fairly social and stuff, and then all of a sudden just looked VERY uncomfortable. Came over and told me "This is too weird for me" and went to the neighbor's house for awhile. I actually kinda had more fun after he left - before that I was anxious and trying to help him feel "included" and such (especially when he started getting quiet). Was kinda proud of myself though because I only tried to "fix" it for a little while, then realized, it was a very friendly group and no one was excluding him - he was doing it himself, so not my job to worry about it!
He came back after awhile but mostly stayed out in the garage - some of the guys from the party went out to check out his car and stuff so that was pretty cool. Then his friend (now known as "K-Fed") came in and asked me if he could get a beer. I probably should've just gotten it for him but I was on my way to do something else so I told him sure and he could go get it - which required him to go through the whole crowd in the bar/game room area. I have no idea what he said to them but I know they were all wondering who the heck this guy was! He stopped and talked to a few of us on his way back out the garage and one of the women in the game room yelled "Hey K-Fed" to him (he looks somewhat like Kevin Federline) then they all kind of cheered at him, it was hilarious!! Then he decided he REAALLLY liked Michelle (as noted above). Got a little obnoxious but not TOO bad (I hope...). Later in the evening when it was just the small group of us left he was the talk of the party, it was pretty funny. A few people thought he was H's SON!! This is one of the guys he hangs out with all the time when he's in "teenybopper" mode, so that definitely made me laugh.
Had a lot of fun with the smaller group that stayed later too - just nice to be able to talk to everyone and not be pulled too many directions! Most of them left around midnight but one other friend stayed til 2:15 or so - was really nice to catch up with her.
They "nominated" me to host another party soon so I may just do that!
Gotta go clean now.. .. but hope everyone's having a good Saturday!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Oh.. I nearly forgot two funny H related things I was going to mention.
One really weird thing is of all the people there who I knew (about 1/2), most of them knew at least somewhat about my sitch (of course Michelle you know a LOT more about it.. but most of them know at minimum about the separation and the rollercoaster I've been on). Only one had ever met H before. People kept asking me about it - "Does he live here?" and stuff like that. But H's friend ("K-Fed") has NO idea about the sitch at all. He constantly tells me how wonderful my H is, how great I am, how lucky we are to be M'd to each other, etc. Definitely saw a few people scratching their heads when he said a couple things like that last night.
We talked a bit about the party last night when H and K-Fed got home (I was starting to clean up a bit and he was laughing that the disco ball was on and asked me some about how the rest of the night went). I told him a bit about who stayed and when people left and such. This morning, out of nowhere, H said "I'm surprised some of the guys didn't stay later. There were a lot of pretty women who came, and that one guy was single right?" (yes he emphasized the "one"). I asked which one he meant and said that yeah he was single - then I said "Actually I think the only one who WASN'T single was Tom." H gave me a really funny look and said "Oh..wow.. well, I'm even more surprised they didn't stay longer." (I actually think they would have but they went from relaxed/hanging out to "hurry up and leave" as soon as the organizer left - think they were maybe uncomfortable knowing H might come home)
H has been halfway talking about having a party soon - we used to do 2-3 big 'blowout' parties every year and haven't done one in a long time for obvious reasons. He has mentioned it a few times though recently. What I'd LOVE to see (depending on how things are going in our sitch of course) is a party where - gasp! - we have BOTH of our "sets" of friends here. In the past he'd always invite everyone from work and such so I'd have a houseful of people and know maybe 1/4 of them - and NONE of them were really "my" friends. Think that'd be a lot of fun.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
may you ARE the creepy guy. haha
). It's entirely possible he just dropped out and decided to go to something else, but it's still weird that he ALSO deleted his messages. 
. Only a handful of people were still here at that point but we had fun. 
). If you read my post about last weekend and the guy who was out with the girls and they were all talking about cheating (meanwhile his GF was at home waiting for him) - I'm sure it will come as no surprise, that was the same guy!!