Need Advice!

[sandi2]

Nicole, you are NOT giving up by using the techniques that have been discribed to you! Just the opposite....you are fighting the fight of your life, Nicole. That is why it is so hard! What you are doing now, is the easy way.....and it is excuses.

That is why H was here-I have to be a clinincal at 6:30 am and it is an hour away but it got cancelled. He would not get up to get out of bed so yes I take advantage of that

Why were you letting him in the same bed with you to start with? What time do you have to leave the house in the mornings? You had no problem leaving the boys alone in the middle of the night to go to H's house to sleep with him, why does he have to be there with them and in bed with you in order for you to get up and leave? What is the difference....or did I misunderstand something? Is he working? If he can be there when he is not working to keep the boys while you are gone....that's great. But if this is an excuse for him to sleep over and to eat your food up while he can use his money to bar hop........that's not good. You know that in your heart, honey....you have got to know that! But you are wanting to "Play House" and it isn't going to work. No wonder the kids are confused. What kind of standards is this teaching them about being a real man, a real H, and a real dad? What do you think it is teaching them about respect for women? Don't you think they will grow up treating their W's just like they see the father treating their mother? Is that what you want?

I am scared if I go dark which I am still not quite sure the difference between the an NC but I will read again, he will forget about me. Kind of "out of site, out of mind"!

First of all, you are allowing your fear to rule your heart. It will not work that way. We are trying to tell you what WILL work, if you will trust Michelle and her team, plus the rest of the people that have been where you are.....and especially those who saw it too late but can see it now, then you have got to get the guts and determination in your spirit to do it if you want to save your marriage! I promise, he might would like to get you and the boys out of his mind and heart (while he's with OW or at a bar), but he won't. However, it won't be b/c he is there all the time.......it will only be b/c he finally wakes up and decides to be a man and do what is right by his wife and kids when he realizes he is loosing what he truly wanted all the time. Oh well, I'm repeating what I've already said before.

I think you are going to have to emotionally detach before you go dark. Going dark is kind of hard to do when you are co-parenting on a daily bases. But, I think there are some place on this webstie that Michelle explain what going dark is all about. However, I would advise you to read about the LRT first. I think it is on here also. And you can certainly draw the boundries and lay down a few rules. Rule #1....when you are there....he's not. He can come 5 minutes before you leave or after you leave.....but not overnight. That would just be my personal starting place.

BTW, does he help with the food bill since he is there and doesn't buy food at his place? Just wondered.

The boys were suppose to sleep over his house but they don't like staying there and he'd rather go out to bar and spend money then stock his apt. with food for kids.

He has my DR book and won't give it back-I don't know why because he has not read it so I have to get another one.

Maybe he has read it and doesn't want you to know what you need to do. He knows he has it made just the way things are now. He can be there when he wants and leave when he wants.

It is hard to GAL when all your friends are married-I am like the plague because we made all our friends together here.

You can make friends with other women, Nicole, they don't have to be married, divorce, single, and you don't need a H to make new friends.......this is another excuse.

I think the new place will be good for all of us,

I hope by "all of us" you mean you and the boys and not including your H in this statement. BTW, please don't let your H start using the excuse that his apartment is too far away to go back home at night. That is just too lame.

I still feel bad for him when I know he is miserable and depressed. So I am just suppose to ignore that and not be there for him? That is so hard!

Yes and yes. Of course you feel bad for him b/c you still love him, but you can't try to be his mother and fix him or heal him. Instead, you have to act as if you don't feel sorry for him. Nicole, for God's sake don't show that man any pity! That is the last thing he needs right now. And why should you? Wasn't this all a result of his choices? He has put himself in this place. What do you mean, "be there for him"? Aren't you suppose to be separated? When you are living as a family .....in every way and in one home.....then you are there for him, but not when he is disrespecting you and sleeping with other women. I'm not fussing at you sweetie.....but you are so mixed up about what your role is and what you need to do and not to do. That is one reason you need to stay away from him.....so you can get your head on straight wheather he does or not! As long as you are under his influence right now.....I don't believe you even think for yourself....hope I'm wrong about that! How can you possibly get involved with making a life for you and the boys and finding new friends and all of that.....he's there all the time screwing up your head!

It is hard, Nicole! The hardest thing you've probably ever had to do. Some day, when your boys are just a little older....you will have to stand back and watch them make their own way in life.....make mistakes that you want to stop or fix for them. When they were little, you could comfort them and kiss the boo-boo away, but when they get older...it doesn't work that way. They won't learn if you always clean up after them, b/c they will keep making the same mistakes if you interfer and try to fix their messes. Life has to be their teacher, Nicole, and as a parent.....you have to stand by and watch. Now, honey, that's hard!

You want to talk about pain? When you see one of your children destroying themselves and ruining their lives, or you see one of them dying with a disease that can't be healed and you cannot do one damn thing about it......then come to me and we will talk about pain. I pray to God, you never have to go through that, but a lot of parents do every day.

So, yes, it is hard, sweetie, very, very hard. If you didn't love him.....it would be so easy to kick him out to the curb and never look back. But right now, you just have to act as if you are tough (even though you don't feel it) and act as if you and the boys are happy and are going to be just fine (even though you are scared to death). You must act as if you can go on the rest of your life without your H ever being a part of it (even though you pray every day that he will).

How can you do it? Well, as a mother with children and grandchildren.....I can tell you that you CAN do it Nicole. You know what I've learned? I have learn that we CAN do a lot of things when we HAVE to. I have learned that I could stand over someone I loved and helplessly watch them die. I have learned that I could live without someone that I thought I would not be able to breathe air without them here with me. But the fact is.......(take a deep breath)....the fact is that you don't WANT to do it Nicole. Life is going to throw a lot of curves your way and you need to get strong. You are in a good place to start that process right now.

You do have support......right here with all of us. We are your friends.........some are soft and tender and then some are a little tougher, but we all want the best for you.....your new friends that you met all on your own. Right? Right!

Try to get some much needed rest. Please, take care of yourself, ok?

I care.

Sandi