She's ready to move on

[Michael Mc C]

It is a start indeed. And we continued yesterday. We both agreed that all contact with OM needs to be cut off (which it has been since before Christmas).

We discussed the friendship that WE have and how she never wants to lose that. She described our "friendship" and holy cow, it sounded like our marriage (aside from the physical part). She doesn't seem to understand that I am not just a friend and the feelings she has for me are NOT just those of another friend. She holds me higher than anything or anyone else in the world - her own words really.

In a nutshell she said "I don't need the marriage, it's a piece of paper. I need the friendship with you."

Aside from the physical aspect, and the fact that she isn't listening to what she's saying, this almost sounds perfect.

I am so frustrated by all of this that I find myself thinking of walking away. I want to give her time to "come to her senses" but I know that as long as she misses the excitement of OM, I can't 1) replace that excitement (she pulls away) and 2) she won't see me for what/who I am.

I have begun thinking about how I can get her to see what life without me would be like. The problem I have is I don't know HOW to cut her off. I should have done this in the beginning before things started to look better. I should have stuck to my guns in September, when I gave her the list of things she could expect from "Life with Michael".

Hah, a quick thought just came to me: We spoke about her 2 year plan last night (which she denies ever having). She told me this morning that she wants to get her PhD. I laughed and said "Great, so now it's a 12 year plan..."

I know that she will never see me for me if I continue to make her life a dream, let her cake eat (commit to nothing but live as if nothing has changed since the beginning of 2007) - if I continue to view her as my wife. The biggest issue is that I don't feel that I have it in me to pull away from her and to to start holding back.

I was so strong when her R with OM was going on (relatively speaking). Now that she's just hurting and floating, it seems like the wrong time to give up on her.

Crap. I feel really torn right now. Any suggestions on this? I feel we COULD be on the cusp of something here, I got a partly passionate kiss last night - I initiated it, she didn't pull away. There's something still missing.

Maybe I need to quell those 'friendship' feelings. Maybe she needs to understand that she has never had a friend like me because she has never had a husband before. Her deep feelings for me are those of a couple in a mature relationship (20 years). I don't know, maybe I'm just blowing smoke.

I know one thing for sure. I seem to be rambling... LOL