So wow, I guess now I know what it means to have a thread locked. Couldn't think of a clever title for my new thread, either. Thanks to all who have been helping me. I think I am in new territory for us and I am not very familiar with it.
So my H says he wants to work on things. And holy crap, he is, in some big ways. 1)He is sleeping in our bed again (no touchy-feely though) 2)He has made the statement that he wants to fix things 3)We went out to dinner on Wednesday, like a date... 4)He came home from bowling at 10:00 p.m. on Tues. for the first time in months (the week before he was gone all night) 5)Last night he texted me he was going for a beer. I said have fun. He was home at 7:00 p.m.! He has not been home before midnight on a Friday out w/the guys since I don't know when... the week before he got home at 3:45 a.m. 6)He took a job back home (3 hrs away) near our parents and says he wants "us" to live up there together (as a family).
So I should be doing the snoopy dance, right? Instead I need some help being patient. This is what I am bothered by: 1)He still doesn't wear his wedding ring 2)He won't say ILY, on occasion if I say it he will say Me Too or ILYT, but he won't say it first 3)He doesn't initiate any hugs or kisses. We fooled around in bed last Sun. morning but no kisses on the mouth or loving words, also no sex
Part of what bothers me is that even through the affair and while he was confused about whether he wanted to be with me, we still messed around, kissed, and had sex. But for the past 6 weeks, no kissing, no ILY, no sex. It's like he is more physically distant now that he wants to work it out? Anyone had this happen or can help me understand why this is? He has said at one point that we have a good physical relationship and he doesn't want to use that (sex) to avoid dealing with our R issues. But we aren't having sex and he isn't discussing our R issues, either.
I asked him the other night (a little backslide) if he had the desire to kiss me, hold me, etc. He said yes, he did. I asked why he didn't do it, then. He said he didn't know. I said, at some point do you plan on kissing me and holding me again? He said yes.
So I guess I should let it go for now... I asked my questions, and got answers--although "I don't know" is a hard answer to accept. We have an MC appt. on Thurs, should I bring any of this up with her? I just don't want us to reconcile "in name only". There are a lot of issues I need to discuss at some point regarding the A, my expectations of what our M should be like, etc. I don't want to do it now, we are just barely starting to try, but I also don't want us to be that couple that gets together, follows the same crappy routine we were in before, and then ends it for good.
Anyway, my plan is to "Stay the Course" for now. I plan to be happy, upbeat, and cheerful, because really I have a lot of reasons to feel that way. H said he didn't mind if I held/touched him, but I am thinking maybe I should hold back and let him come to me? Or if he doesn't mind if I do it, is it wrong to hug him when he comes home from work? Or spoon him in bed? I don't want to mess this up but I also don't want him to think I will be okay with us living without physical affection forever either.
Hello BobbiJo- I figured I would pay you a visit as you had done on my thread before. I hope you are having a decent weekend.
Seeing how much of a seeming metamorphasis your H is in the midst of is pretty remarkable :). The fact that he is at this point of being greatly proactive speaks well of what you must be doing (cuz it's always a two person process to either get it right or screw it up). So "staying the course", as you said seems like just what you should be doing.
And if you "need some help being patient" (as we all do), you need only ask the Lord and he will surely help you with this.
Things are clearly going well and I hope that a positive trend will continue for you. I will certainly be praying for that.
I haven't read your other posts, but I wonder if he is just now realizing the magnitude of the affair and it's consequences. Perhaps he is ashamed and doesn't feel he has the right to touch you and doing so reminds him of the mistakes made.
In the relationship area he may feel as if all is well. He is back and things should fall into place.
I think you are probably right on the affection thing. While in the midst of the A, he "had" to be physical with me so that I wouldn't catch on, even if he was feeling guilty. He talks a lot to the MC about being angry and bitter, he says that this is not where he expected his marriage/life to be, 34 years old, two affairs, on the brink of divorce. He says this is not what his parents, his extended family, or God would want for his life and that they all must think he is such an idiot. So I think he is beating himself up a lot.
He says he doesn't wear his ring b/c when he looks at it he thinks of all he has done wrong and messed up (and I know he was wearing the ring while physical with the OW several times so it may have a bad association). At dinner Wed. I did bring this up only b/c I had discussed it with my individual C. I told him that if the time came that he wanted to wear a wedding ring again, I was willing to go shopping for a new one. If he wanted a new ring to symbolize a new start to our relationship. He got a little choked up or at least it seemed that way to me and said thanks for the offer. He didn't accept or decline at this point...
I know he wonders why I would want to touch him, kiss him, etc. after all he has done to hurt me. He has a hard time accepting that this is b/c I am strong, not weak.
So I will do my best to be understanding and let him approach me on his own time table. But as far as me hugging/holding him, rubbing his arm when we pass in the hall, etc., do you think that is okay? He said it was okay if I did it. I don't want to pressure him, but I also DO want him to know that I still love him and that he IS "worthy" of this love despite his mistakes. As the Bible says, All have fallen short, just in different ways. I think he feels he deserves more punishment for his actions than I have given him. But I don't want to punish him. I want to work together to make our marriage better than before so it won't be as vulnerable to these types of problems in the future. Thanks for listening!
take a step back from your status and you will realise what great progress you have made so far. That should ease your mind.
About what's bothering you at the moment...
I maybe wrong but perhaps he doesn't want to do anything that he believes is not right yet. Not just for him, but mainly for you.
There is great book I've read, I have mentioned it before elsewhere, if you can get it, get it. It is called "I love you but I am not in love with you" by Andrew G. Marshall. It says among others that once you get over the crisis, the couple could have a ritual that means the beginning of a new era in their R. One of the rituals could be wearing their rings again in front of their family, or doing something like a party etc.etc. Maybe that's the way he subconciously see these things. His wants to honour all that he is avoiding so far because now he realises their meaning. Maybe, just an idea, he feels that some things are going to be done only in the proper WAY and TIME declaring that your new life together beginns. Give him time and be positive. Be thankful, it helps. Kalni
PS Thanks for checking in my sitch and your input.
While I was writing my comment here, you beat me to it with your newest so I maybe a bit outdated. Then I try to write you and explain I hadn't read your last post and I see your comment on my thread. That was funny!!!
Kalni
Thanks again, well I guess I'l have to hide my "Romantic getaways for 2" brochures for now...
Hi BobbiJo. Sorry I haven't been by lately. It sounds like you are making a lot of progress. Just try to be patient w/ your H. Be happy that H is willing to work and let him do it on his time table. I understand the ring thing. My H has not worn his for about 1 1/2 years. I know it will be awhile if and when he decides to put it on. Love your suggestion of new rings.
My H won't kiss me either although he will allow me to kiss him on the cheek. The other day when I sent him a very risky text I told him it upsets me that I'm good enough to do his laundry and something physical to him(I was move explicit w/ H) but not good enough for a hug. Yesterday I give him a hug before I left for work since H was leaving town and H actually put his arms around me. I think sometimes they just don't realize how there actions and inactions affect us.
As for the ILY, be patient. H might not feel he deserves to tell you that. Mine kind of cringed the other night when I let it slip out. All I can say is patience, patience, patience.
Thanks for the help and feedback, guys! H is running hay back/forth to Iowa again this weekend but will be home tonight before heading out again tomorrow. He just called and said he was halfway home, and to get the kids ready so we could all go out to dinner together tonight. There is a place called T Rex Restaurant near by that my S5 LOVES!! He went for his birthday in August, it is like the Rainforest Cafe inside but Dinosaur themed.
Anyway he has been asking to go "with my family"--that is a big phrase with S5 these days. Everything needs to be "with his family", I think b/c he picked up on all the tension between me and H. So he has been asking and H just called to say he wanted us all to go there tonight. So I am going to put on my happy face and enjoy myself. The last time we went out to a restaurant with the kids was after shopping for H's furniture for his never-moved -into-apartment. So this should be a much happier occasion!
I just need to remember, "No R talk, No M talk, No R talk, No M talk......"
I am so irritated today! But will try not to let it set back my DB efforts.
Last night H told me he had 9-10 more loads of hay to deliver to IA. When he STARTED, he said he had 12 loads and that was 6 weeks ago. He is gone every weekend delivering it and still has that much to do. He made the sale to the guy in IA, and H sold him H's boss' hay, so it HAS to get delivered. Now that H is taking a new job, he has to give notice in 1 week, so he wants to get all 10 loads delivered by next Monday (8 days). He thinks it would be too awkward to be at H's boss' farm after he tells the guy he is quitting.
So anyway he is stressed to the max b/c he is also trying to get some home improvement projects done before he leaves in 3 weeks, so we can get the house looking good enough to sell.So basically he will be moving out in 3 weeks and ridiculously busy until then.
S5 has a bowling b-day party for a friend today at noon. He asked H to go with him weeks ago, and H promised he would. My sister invited me to Beverly Hills w/her for a lawyer convention next weekend, I asked H to watch the kids and he promised he would. Now he has all this hay to deliver.....he was going to take a load this a.m. and be back by noon. So he left the house at 4:30, it is about a 5 hr. drive back and forth and he had to load the hay here and unload it there. H calls at 7:30 all pi$$ed off. Apparently hay is an oversized load, he can't be on the road with it until the sun is up. So he is just now able to leave at 7:30 with no way to get back by noon. He says he will leave the hay loaded and drive it up after the party. But he was going to take a second load after the party. So he is in a foul, foul, mood. He says, I know now your mom will have to take the kids next weekend so I can get more done.
This is where I would usually do some kind of "Told you so" b/c H almost NEVER takes the kids by himself. He will get his mom or mine to watch them when I go someplace so he can get more of his work done. Well, the kids are his too and that irritates me. His parents can't take the kids b/c my SIL is already 6 days past her due date and there will for sure be a baby next weekend for the in-laws to go see. So that leaves my parents.
Trying to be the good person I know I can be, I say, "Okay, if you need my mom to watch the kids next weekend, I'll ask her, all right?" H: NO I AM NOT ALL RIGHT! I HAVE A $HITL@AD OF FU**ING STUFF TO DO AND NO TIME TO DO IT! I'M NOT ALL RIGHT! (furious)
I try to explain that I wasn't asking if he was all right, I was asking if he wanted me to ask my mom for him. But I couldn't even get the sentence out, he was ranting and said he had to go and didn't know how he would ever get caught up.
This is so typical of H, esp. during the A months. Get angry at me for something I had nothing to do with. So I was set just to not speak to him today since he was clearly in a foul, foul mood that had nothing to do with me. But he sent me a text at 8:10
"I am going for it if I get a ticket forgive me"
So he is trying to get a 5 hour drive and unload the hay done in 4 hours. So he will probably be an hour late to the birthday party. Or he will get a ridiculous ticket where they take your license and I have to pick him up someplace. Or he will cause an accident, those giant round hay bales way a ton and he has nine on the back of the trailer.
GRRRR! How do you "DB" that? Kiss his butt when he shows up late to the party or not at all? I get that he has a lot on his plate but he is selective in honoring his business promises and not family ones......
for now. I plan to be happy, upbeat, and cheerful, because really I have a lot of reasons to feel that way. H said he didn't mind if I held/touched him, but I am thinking maybe I should hold back and let him come to me? Or if he doesn't mind if I do it, is it wrong to hug him when he comes home from work? Or spoon him in bed? I don't want to mess this up but I also don't want him to think I will be okay with us living without physical affection forever either.
