Need Advice!

[sandi2]

Nicole, Sweetie, I know I am probably old fashion, but to me it seems that your H is eating cake by allowing him to sleep with you or snuggle in the bed with you. Why was he there doing that? As long as you allow him to do that, you will never be able to detach from him. As I see it, until he sees what he is missing......you aren't going to completely have him. I know I'm probably different but IMHO it would be an insult to me for him to treat me like that. You see, in your "need" for him....he is disrespecting you by thinking he can just crawl under the covers and snuggle up to you whenever he feels a little lonesome and doesn't have another woman that night, so you will do for the time being. He has you in his power b/c you said yourself that you "melt" every time you see him. He probably knows this and is taking full advantage of it. I think you need to get angry about that and start having more self respect. He is using you, sweetie! Sure you need his closeness and you want his comfort, etc., but that is not what is happening here. It is only a temporary "fix" and certainly not very satisfying. Just b/c you are legally married to him, don't let him think he can use you .....like, well, you know what.

This man needs a wake-up call and if the seriousness of his S10 has not done it, then I think everything I suggested in the previous post needs to kick in immediately. You need to have some serious boundries with him. No more sharing bedtimes with him.....even if there is no sex involved. No more coming and going as he pleases.......this is your's house your sons' home now.....your H has his own place (it doesn't matter if he is still paying the bills or whatever) for all intended purposes....it is yous and the children's home and not his! You clearly need to set up visitation times for him to see the boys, but do NOT share that time with them. He needs to "miss" his family Nicole. How is he going to do this if you don't force him to do without any of it? You have been doing the opposite and trying to force him back into it.....and it isn't working.

If you want him back for the long haul, then you have got to be strong and have some self respect, girl! Show some spunk! Lay down the rules to him and then let him see you having a life without him. Let him find out how it feels not to have you there at his beck & call.

You need to get very, very serious about detaching from him or you will never have him again. Listen, I know it is killing you.....but isn't it worth the hurt you are going through for a period of time (however long) worth the possibility of having him back as your "real" H for the rest of your life?

He is confused and he says he doesn't know what he wants....blah, blah, blah. Well, you need to help that situation by taking away what he walked away from. You really haven't done any of that. As a father, he still has the right to see his sons and they need him.......but you have the right to say when and where he sees them b/c they are in your home....not his. Stop using the kids as an excuse and a life-line to him. I know you want him involved in S10's problems, but like I told you before.....it is your H's decision as to wheather or not he gets his head out of the sand and steps up to do what he should. Stop hammering him about what he needs to do b/c the more you say to him, the worse it is making things. Stop acting like a nagging wife! Stop acting life a wife.....period. Stop depending on him for emotional support for you and the boys. He isn't ready to do that full time yet, and until he is.....it will just keep you and the boys torn up all the time. You have got to try to find peace and to give those kids a sense of stability. Don't you know that they are smart and can see right through you?

And by the way, if he is supporting you financially......don't let him use that as his ace trump and make you feel like you owe him anything......ok? You don't. He walked away, remember?

You have so much work to do on yourself, plus what you need to be doing for your sons.......that should be enough to keep you busy. You will have to use self discipline like never before when you are tempted to call your H or to go see him. If it isn't an emergency......don't do it! Read the chapter of DR on the LRT, before you tell him about the boundries, so you will know how to talk to him. Practice what you are going to say to him so you will stay calm and not allow him to take control and push any trigger buttons. Just tell him like the book says....you don't have to tell him every detail of what your plans and goals are (don't defeat your purpose here). Then stop contact with him. Detach from him. Go dark. If you don't understand that.....read that part of the book again.

Nicole, this is what it is going to take to get him back. What you have been doing is not working. Remember the story of the cheesless tunnels? Well honey, there is no cheese in those tunnels you've been going down. Do it Michell's way.

I'm glad you responded to me and that I didn't offend you too badly. That is not my goal at all. I want to help you if I can. I don't pretend to be the smartest person in the world, but I have been around a while and I have seen a lot of couples and families fall apart. Before my own crisis hit, I even taught marriage courses at church and would counsel with others. So, it is easier for us to see how to help others than to see our own faults and failures and take the route we need to go. That is why you will see people here on the board that is having a terrible marriage crisis give advice to somebody else. We are all here for one another. You aren't alone Nicole. Whenever you are lonely for your H and you need that closeness.....come here to the board any time of the day or night and just start writing about your feelings or read other threads. That was how I got through a lot of bad nights and temptations. You will get stronger by doing that.

Feel free to talk to me anytime. I am here every evening and sometimes up till midnight reading and writing. Haven't written as much the past couple of weeks......mostly just reading....but I'm here.

Take care sweetie.

Sandi