Thanks, IMP. I do think a lot of people that are going through this need to hold onto the idea that their spouse will wake up and return; I know I was one of them for a long time.
The truth is, they don't always do that. Many times, a divorce happens. Many other times, the LBS and their spouse live as though they are divorced...just without the paperwork done.
I thought it was important to post about my interactions with H, because of where he is in coming out of the crisis he had, and how he feels about all that he's done. Certainly I agree that he has much work to do on himself, but that's the aftermath, not the crisis itself.
I try to move forward with my life every single day, a little bit more. This situation no longer consumes me. That is something we all have to learn in order to save ourselves.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
This situation no longer consumes me. That is something we all have to learn in order to save ourselves.
That is so true. Hope, whatever you do will be fine, and I wish you well. Goodness knows you have had a long and hard time.
But as you know it is more than saving ourselves, it is getting to a place that is actually better than the one we were in. Not that we wanted any of this to happen, or would have avoided it if we possibly could, but that where we end up can be better for us.
I do understand the notion of holding on to that ideal. I was there. But at a certain time, you have to realize that holding on holds you back.
And by all means, the interactions with your H was worth sharing. It is part of his journey and all you can do is let him take his journey. And if I may, the attitude you display is true love (in the human, not the romantic sense).
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This situation no longer consumes me. That is something we all have to learn in order to save ourselves.
This is key, hope. One of my goals here is to help people get to that spot. Because I believe that the sooner one gets there, the better chance they will actually have to accomplish the goal of coming here in the first place. And if not, they will be far ahead in their quest for their new life.
angelica, IMP, Thanks again. I agree with you both. I think it takes some of us here longer than others to get to "that place". By that, I mean where we are not thinking about this every moment of every day, we've gained back our ability to eat and sleep normally, we begin to laugh again, etc. It took me a very long time. I equate it to disentangling a knot; a very large knot that I could only work on a little bit every day. Once you have worked the knot out, you can drop the rope. I do plan to continue to share anything that I feel is important about this part of my life. I am most likely going to see H in a few weeks; as I said before, it ought to be interesting. But I don't dread or fear it like I used to. I have enough solid footing now that I can handle it.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
HF, you have gone through a lot. Like every step along the way, it is best to take some time to decide where you want to go. While I do not disagree that many do not come home, I do believe that this is usually because of all the pain and desire to be away from the drama that we have gone through. I still believe most Ms would be restored but most end up moving on before it comes to fruition.
This is your decision to make however. I will be here to encourage you if you decide to wait until your H is out of the self awareness mode to the damage he caused and in the phase of trying to restore his "lost" relationships. More than likely, he is now wanting to be punished and you moving on will help him realize that he is deserving of the punishment by losing the most important person in his life.
His speaking with you, admitting to what he did wrong is similar to the prodigal son who did not expect the father to forgive him and welcome him home. The prodigal son came to the father asking to be treated like the rest of the father's workers, to toil, eat and live with the workers and no longer to be treated as his son. This is the opposite of what the world would have done. The son would have been turned away or allowed to be an employee of the father, no longer having the same benefits of being family.
The prodigal son knew also, like your H, that he had done wrong and that the father deserved a better son than him.
Your H is probably in a severe state of depression and extremely low self worth. He probably sees you as too good for him and him not being worthy of your love, wants to see you with someone better and more deserving than him.
HF, this is your situation. There is only One that should guide you in this.
With love, mmf
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
I have been divorced almost 7 years. Yes, things are different. They are good though. We have sons. We have to be involved. It isn't bad. She's happy. I'm happy. Life goes on. You make it what you want.
I definitely let God lead the way. I have done a lot of praying about this situation, believe me. I know He has helped me do the best I can. I say this with the deepest respect to you and many others that have posted; why is it that so many think eventually my H (and so many others) will eventually want to reconcile? From what I have seen, even here on this BB, most do not return. Even some of the "old timers" that post advice here are still not reconciled. So I do not understand the line of thinking that "in his time", he will be back. I do agree, however, that he wants to see me with someone he feels is better for me, someone that can be happy with me and share a good life. He has stated this more than once.
My thanks for your support.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I'd just say that I do believe you have "welcomed" your husband back simply by allowing him to communicate with you, and by listening compassionately. Sometimes the kindest and most loving thing we can do to one who has hurt us so grievously is to let them know that we have forgiven them and are no longer part of the walking wounded. It seems to me that the way you have treated him, and the way you are living your life, sends exactly that message.
I agree with our friend FIB who has said before that most of us arrive at this site with our marriage long since on life support. The chances are not good for many of us by the time we are posting here. Yet post we did, DB we did, all along hoping against hope that our situation might be one of the victories.
I'm with you however, in thinking that many of these lost spouses never do return, at least not in a healthy form that would allow for a future relationship.
You've been one of the most thoughtful and introspective people I have known on this site. We've felt your pain as you've processed your way through this journey that your husband set the two of you on. I'm very happy to see that you seem to well on your way to completing your journey and emerging a healthier and stronger person. We can only hope that your husband will manage to do the same.
Life will be as good to us as we allow it to be. We can choose to wallow in the mire, or we can choose to find the positives in an otherwise bad situation. I've chosen to do the latter and have received great blessing. I believe that you have chosen the latter also.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
hf, I sincerely hope (no play on words intended) I did not not add to your pain. I know that I have read many times that it isn't in our own time that He responds. He may have told you it is over and it is time.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
I am sorry if it comes across that I am telling you to hold on for the rest of your life... just in case.
I want for you to be happy, and I have seen so much growth in you over the past couple of years, things you have accomplished all by yourself.
I think you have reached a place where you finally have some peace, and that is a wonderful place to be mentally.
My point was that I don't believe that your Husband is finished with his crisis. And you know as well as I do that these crazy MLC'ers can turn on a dime.
It is different IF you are truly done and want to move forward, but if you are doing it because you want to believe his words when he tells to go and find someone else, that is something else entirely.
My Husband also told me that he was sorry that he hurt me and maybe one day I would also find someone else to love me and to share my life with.
You have the support from everyone here for whatever you decide to do, but do it for you, for Hope, not because of what anyone else is telling you.
((((((((hugs)))))))
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
