You are making this into something bigger than it is. Remember how wound up you got before H came home on leave and how good it was. Seriously, I know I am hitting you with a bit of a 2x4 but you KNOW I know what this addiction is like.
Tell him. But don't make it into a bigger deal than it is. Tell him you've been taking this drug for years and LIKE MOST PEOPLE WHO TAKE IT FOR ANY LENGTH OF TIME you feel that you are dependent on it (you can avoid the emotion-laden word ADDICTED at first). Don't go out of your way to pass your agitated state of mind to him. Tell him that stopping it has side effects and you want some help doing that. The best, safest way to do that is to check into an inpatient facility (you can also avoid the emotion-laden term REHAB at first). I'm not suggesting you avoid those terms altogether, but just don't call him and say, "I'm an addict and I'm going to rehab!" AT FIRST until he has a clear, level-headed picture of what the sitch is. There's a way of presenting a story and there's a way.
WHY do you think he will divorce you over this? Clearly you know him, we don't. What do you know that makes you think this? Or is this just your imagination reaching for the worst-case scenario? Did he threaten you at some time in the past, "If you ever blank-blank-blank, I'll divorce you"? Have you had addiction issues in the past?
Tell him. But don't make it into a bigger deal than it is. Tell him you've been taking this drug for [eta by fearless: 5 months since your surgery] and LIKE MOST PEOPLE WHO TAKE IT FOR ANY LENGTH OF TIME you feel that you are dependent on it (you can avoid the emotion-laden word ADDICTED at first). Don't go out of your way to pass your agitated state of mind to him. Tell him that stopping it has side effects and you want some help doing that. The best, safest way to do that is to check into an inpatient facility (you can also avoid the emotion-laden term REHAB at first). I'm not suggesting you avoid those terms altogether, but just don't call him and say, "I'm an addict and I'm going to rehab!" AT FIRST until he has a clear, level-headed picture of what the sitch is. There's a way of presenting a story and there's a way.
Lil,
Great Advice!! Dependent and inpatient facility are probably the most accurate words right now.
WHY do you think he will divorce you over this?
Red can give her answer to this but my guess is that a lot of it is the fear and tension from his previous bailing (EA/PA/talk of divorce) on her. Add to that that he was home a month ago and she may worry that he will feel she was dishonest with him and hiding things from him. Also his time at home was not exactly "perfect" for them and that might add her worries.
Red,
Besides agreeing with all the great advice on how to stop taking Hydrocodone, my advice is to relax about your H. Assume that he loves you and cares about you and that his greatest concern will be that you are okay and that the kids are okay. I would not try to wait until May at this point. I think that since he was home in December you would be better off letting him know sooner than later. This has all come up suddenly, yesterday right? So maybe letting him know that you need to check into an inpatient facility this weekend for some follow up issues from your surgery would be the place to start because it is the truth that the Hydrocodone was from the surgery, right? Then hopefully you can fill in more details next week with some concrete evidence that you are doing fine and with specific information on the issues you will need to deal with???
Just some thoughts. I know it's tricky but I think relationships recover more quickly from difficult things when they are exposed versus being covered up (no matter how well meaning the cover up is). At this point you haven't really kept anything from him that you were not keeping from yourself at Christmas.
GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
I'm changing my vote about telling him, too. If you're getting inpatient help (yay for you!!!), it's a "big deal" enough for him to know about right there ... but then factor in that someone else is going to be taking point on childcare for awhile .... as their father he deserves to know that, IMHO. This is the kind of thing that will cause WAY more problems and distrust if you try to hide it. Again, JMHO.
Others have good advice on how to word the conversation.
(((((((Red))))))))
You got guts, girl.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Red, Red, Red...sorry I've been out of the loop but I DO read up on you now and then. All the advice you've gotten so far is great. What if you "included" him in your decision? I know you can't "talk in person" but...the good news is you have time to REHEARSE!!!
"Hi honey. Listen, I wanted to talk to you about something and I need your opinion and probably a little help with it. After my surgery, as you know, I got pain meds and...(this is where you rehearse telling him you're still taking them - it's not unusual to need them for a while) I'm worried about taking them and I'm going to go get some help on that front. I knew you'd want me to tell you...this is my plan...what do you think?"
Just an idea! Good luck and love to you!
I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it. Stubby
I agree with stub...... I know what ya mean about the meds.... Luckily (I guess) my Doc only allows me so many a month so, I ween myself off them but $hit as soon as I get my next batch I am right back...It's an escape.. I know.... it makes your mind feel dull and at first it's nice not worrying about things but then the depression / worry starts in..... you are ok for a while then you say "ok just one to cut the edge off today".... then by noon ya think "well one more and that's it"....then another and another..... Good luck Red..... You know we have been in the same spot before...and we worked through it..... Most people when confronted by an unpleasant sitch will try to avoid it... never learn or grow from it... we need to "work though it" learn from our history or we are doomed to repeat it...
Hugs and a kiss on the fore head.... I do think stub has the right idea...
Dr Love
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
What things does an LD person want to give their partner? The same as an HD person - companionship, friendship, partnership, co-parenting, someone to get old with, recreation.
I had to look at this one for a while. On the surface, it sounds good. I would say that my wife would have similar needs. I think what goes wrong here is that when the LD spouse focuses on these things with the HD spouse, the LD spouse is essentially putting all of their efforts speaking effectively the WRONG love language. Companionship, Friendship, partnership, co-parenting, and somone to get old with, these all fit into the female needs of: Affection, Conversation, Honesty & Openness, Financial Support, and Family Connection. The one item that is left, recreation, actaully is the ONLY item on that list that actually relates to a MALE need, and that is the need of Recreational Companionship. Here are the average male needs (per His Needs/Her Needs): 1)Complete Sexual Fulfillment, 2)Recreational Companionship, 3)Physical Attraction, 4)Domestic Support, and 5)Admiration.
Now look at the femal needs versus the male needs. The male needs would appear to be very superfical to a woman. Maybe they are. But that does not change the fact that this is the way men are DESIGNED. So what happens in the relationship is that men began to focus on meeting the female needs, but the LD woman is still putting their efforts into meeting the SAME NEEDS because she still believes that THEY are the IMPORTANT needs. I doubt there is a LD woman on here that is focusing specifically on meeting the 5 male needs. And according to the book, need #1 is the one that actually matters. If you fail at need #1, the other needs become irrelevant at that point as they don't carry the weight that need #1 does (for either sex).
You may not agree with the ranking of these needs, but they are only AVERAGES, everyone can be different. I personally put SexualFulfillment as #1 and follow this with 2) Affection. So my primary needs are all phsyical in nature, which makes it even HARDER for my wife.
I hear women screaming for more openness & Communication. I believe that the MAN must put forth all his efforts on this. But the woman needs to put her focus on OTHER things, and that is tough, that list of male needs must seem to incredibley FOREIGN (as well as shallow and stupid) to most women. What I try to do on these boards is to try to show LD woman what they should be focusing on from THEIR end, so that we don't end up with the TYPICAL situation where both are speaking HER love languages.
Ok, friends, I'm actually HOME I checked myself in last Thursday and what started out to be 3 days "inpatient" w/ me staying there 24/7 ended up w/ me staying there 24/7 until yesterday, so just over a week.
To be real honest, it was scary knowing I was "getting out," b/c I actually now had to go "back to reality," but I really missed the boys and knew/know they need me. They just knew I was in the hospital and that I couldn't have visitors "right now."
When I talked to S8 yesterday about me going back today (Saturday), he was really upset. He said you just got home and I wanted to spend the day w/ you, but when I said "honey, what's the most important thing here," he said "you getting better." Obviously, he doesn't know what I'm "getting better" from, but they'll all be ok.
As for me saying I'm going back today, I will continue "partial" for about 5 days which means I go in about 9 or so, first class is at 9:30 and stay until about 4 on the weekends and about 2:30 on weekdays. So that means that if I truly only have to do partial for 5 days, I will be able to at least go to work from about 3 - 5 Monday - Wednesday next week and then possibly be back @ work full time Thursday.
Ok, as for H. My whole check-in process was a complete cluster fcuk. I got there about 9:30 a.m. for an "assessment." I had no clue if they would end up keeping me there or what was going to happen. Anyway, they did keep me there and I ended not getting back to the "unit" until about 2:30. I had to have mom & dad bring me my clothes, etc. After I was finally back in the unit, I called Travis and I just told him "Babe, I got hooked on pain meds and I've had to check myself into Rivercrest."
Of course, he was pissed at first, but I understood that; I understood he wasn't necessarily mad AT ME, but he needed time to process this whole thing b/c obviously this was/is a very big thing and he had no idea. Then again, he may have had a bit of anger towards himself after he had time to think about it for awhile, b/c maybe he realized he actually had seen some signs and chose to ignore them. At first, all I wanted was for him to be able to say "I love you, I support you and everything will be ok w/ us," but he could not say that to me at that point.
Bottom line w/ H though is that he "processed" this whole thing and is now completely supportive and just wants me to get well. He even suggested I find a therapist to see once I'm done w/ this rehab and that if he can, by speaker phone or whatever, he would want to be in on our sessions.
Being in rehab was completely surreal for me. I NEVER thought I would end up in a place like that. The people on my unit ended up becoming like a family to me. I'll save the story about the "looney" on the other side actually calling me on the phone in my unit b/c he was continually "watching" me for later.
All in all, a very good experience. I'm still fighting some of my "issues," as one of the drugs they sent me home on was valium which I had never taken before. Obviously, we all know this is addictive too, so I am having to keep my will power up not to "take just one more" than what my dosage is supposed to be and I'm actually doing really well w/ it this a.m.
Oh and they had me on something called Darvon which was some sort of pain med at first, then took me off of that, but I truly didn't ever have any horrible w/drawals at all!!
We got to go to "rec" at 3 each day. I seriously half the time felt like I was in elementary school again, but I have always "beaded," so I made some bracelets and I'm going to wear them to "remind me." I also made a key chain w/ some beads and in between the beads spelled out "addict" so I won't forget. Bottom line is I'm an addict -- not just a pain med addict -- I'm an addict meaning I can/could get addicted to anything that "makes you feel good."
Ok, that was long enough. I may think of some more things later, but just wanted to fill you guys in. I'm home and doing well, but also still going to partial treatment.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I checked myself in last Thursday and what started out to be 3 days "inpatient" w/ me staying there 24/7 ended up w/ me staying there 24/7 until yesterday, so just over a week.