My story isn't nearly as advanced as everyone else's I've read. H and I have only been married 7 months. About a month after we got married, everything changed. Suddenly, our home was "his" house, our farm became "his" farm, etc.....I had never been on a tractor a day in my life before we met, but I learned how to cut, fluff, rake and bale hay with all the equipment so we could share more of our lives. At first, this just tickled him pink. Then, it seemed like all I got was criticism. Not "good job", but "you're not making your corners right", or "you're not raking it like I showed you", etc......all criticisms, no appreciation. (I am disabled with a terrible nerve disease which HAD been in partial remission, but driving the tractors and working 18 hour days brought it back with a vengence, so a little appreciation of what I was putting myself through to help him would have been nice.)
I began to feel like nothing I could do was right. It all absolutely HAD to be done his way or no way. Let's face it, I only have one hand that works, some things I couldn't do his way. Evidently none of it was good enough.
In the mean time, even though I dropped what I was doing to help him when he needed it, I couldn't get him to do anything for me. I have been waiting 6 months for him to help me clean out the barn. And when I try to do whatever it is that I asked him to do, I get a chewing cuz I end up paying a hefty price for it by being up most of the night in so much pain. He'll tell me I had no business doing it, yet he had told me he would, and then never had time to.
When we have a conflict, he "explains" it to me, and that's suppose to make it go away. If my point of view is different, he just shakes his head and "explains" it to me again. He gets mad at me for not giving readily anytime he wants/needs it, yet I receive nothing. He's an all or nothing type of person. Since I didn't really need his help to put my saddle on all the time, and asked him to stop physically pushing me out of the way to do it, he has stopped doing anything at all for me. He got mad and stopped doing my laundry along with his, so I did my own. After 3 loads, my back locked up and I couldn't walk right for over a week. It hurt sooooo bad.
Just tonight, I was lying in bed next him crying........my heart feels so broken. He rolled over. Away from me.
Indifference and apathy are killing me slowly. To allow myself to feel is only allowing myself to hurt anymore, so what's the point?
He even told me one time that every team may have 3 coaches, but they all answer to one coach,,,,,,this was his reply to my comment on us needing to be equals, a team.
I don't want a divorce. I love my husband dearly. I've read parts of the book here, and I have done many of those things, good and bad. But I just don't know if I can continue to fight for a M when H has given up emotionally. I just don't know if I have enough left for that.