She's gone...I'm devastated, but hopeful

[LoginName]

Hey Buddy,
My W said all of those things, and they were true. I think you can believe it. Just don't take it as rejection, don't take it too seriously, and remember it's not about you.
Remember about unconditional love: aren't you happy she is sleeping well? Aren't you glad her back feels better.
If it helps you, think of it like this: you're being supportive, strong, not getting upset, giving her the space she needs, she'll remember it. My W has thanked me for being there, giving her the space, being patient. Don't be needy.

If you can avoid initiating contact, if you can relax and enjoy your time by yourself, you'll be surprised when she does initiate. (I'm betting she will, IF you have the patience)

Relax.

[LoginName]

It's most dangerous when "she is being very sweet and we are communicating" and you think things are going well.

MM, your sitch is really good. Don't mess it up by not listening to me. Back off. Give her space. Try it once. Write about it here. Have you tried it yet and just not written it?

Your wife is a nice person, she doesn't want to hurt you. She is going to say nice things to you. It doesn't mean she's ready to come back. Give her time.

I know it's hard. It's almost easier when the situation is worse (an OP, or MLC or something), it's easier to detach when that's happening, maybe. The point is, it's hard, but you have to do it.

I'm I being clear?

[minkerman]

Yes LN, you are being very clear

Arrgghh, she called me just before lunch and said she had a cold and was not going to be inviting the kids over to see her place this weekend.

I just said, well if you want some company, I'm around this weekend. She said, ok thanks. I just left it at that, and will likely keep it that way. I know she heard me.

I will feel out the sitch and let you know. As always, I appreciate your advice LN!

[minkerman]

If it helps you, think of it like this: you're being supportive, strong, not getting upset, giving her the space she needs, she'll remember it. My W has thanked me for being there, giving her the space, being patient. Don't be needy.

Interesting comment about her feeling supported, LN. I had a really tough day at work today and right at the end of the day she called and we had a super nice talk on the phone. Later, I text messaged her "After the day I had, your voice put a smile on my face. Thanks!" She text messaged me back as I was driving home an hour ago.

I'll type it exactly as she did:
"i want u 2 know your support is appreciated MM 4:16P 02/01"

What a nice way to end the week!

[minkerman]

She called me at home just now...asked if I got her text message (guess I didn't acknowledge it). We ended up an hour on the phone (hung up 15 min ago) and I told her a few things. I stayed very upbeat, because that's how I was feeling.

We were talking about how each of us was doing. She asked "if I decided to make this separation permanent, will you be OK?" I said "hell yeah, I just need to know...it's the limbo that's killing me!" I'm pretty sure she was asking if I wanted her back just because I missed her and was pining for her, or because I have a different person to offer to the relationship. Then I told her how I thought I loved her before, but this separation has showed me that I didn't love her then, nearly as much as I do now. She then said "I love you, too". So nice.

I told her that the changes in her have only made her MORE attractive to me, and the changes in ME are making me appreciate everything in my life so much more, including her. She said "wow, that is cool". I asked her if this was freaking her out, and she emphatically said "NO!, keep talking".

I have never been like this in my life....there is no going back now; what would be the incentive?

[minkerman]

BTW, LoginName, I intend to sit back now and see what she does. No contact from my end...I think I'm too close to the line as it is!

[minkerman]

Well this is interesting. I was sitting here beside my laptop this morning, when I heard *ding* (she had just signed on to MSN Messenger). This was a first since she left. I have suggested it to her a number of times and she hasn't done it. This is how we communicated when I was working out of town this past spring and it was really nice.

We ended up chatting online for an hour (I actually missed my yoga class!). Then she said "call me" and we talked another 30 min on the phone.

It was all positive...she never once said "if we go our separate ways" (although I did a couple of times). She said "if we do get back together" at least 3 or 4 times. At one point she said "who ARE you and what have you done with my husband?" We laughed a lot, and it seemed to be a great convo.

I didn't push my agenda at all. Obviously no promises at either end, but any day where our interaction is mostly positive is a good day

[minkerman]

She has texted and called a number of times today...so nice. I got invited to a super bowl party which is going to be attended by all of our friends, who all really miss W. So I took a leap of faith and called her to invite her, since things seem to be going pretty well. She got all animated, and said, "oh if I'd only known sooner...I invited the kids and Mom & Dad over tomorrow so they can see where I'm living". I said well, kickoff isn't until 4:30 so think about it. She said "I will".

So we'll see what happens. Stay tuned.

[LoginName]

Hi MM, looks like things are moving fast. Even now, and your sitch is kind of like mine, remember the basics, GAL!!! Detach (not too much, but more than you think) "it's not about you", give her space.

This last week, I've gone back to the basics, including not bringing up R talk. My W called this morning, we talked for just over an hour, all pretty positive even when we touched on serious topics. I think my week of GALing, focusing on myself, not worrying about her or us, helped to bring her closer to me. I think you know what I mean. Don't forget the basics. Maybe for the rest of our marriage we need to remember it.

Doesn't the DB book talk about the "who ARE you and what have you done with my husband?" phenominon. It's important to be careful that you aren't changing to impress her. She will be able to tell if you are trying to manipulate her. I think you and I need to re-read that part of the book, how to handle the "who are you" and the "why are you changing now, why didn't you do this years ago" (often said with anger).

Enjoy the game.

[minkerman]

Well she went with me to the party after all. I was surprised. It was nice to see her light up the room and see everyone gather around her and tell her how much they've all missed her.

As I drove her home (45 min) we did have a bit of R talk; during that talk, she said going her own way was a very real possibility, although she is still, in her mind, 100% neutral. I asked her why, if she is "neutral", she keeps saying she might stay away, at least 3X more than she says she might want to reconcile. "Really? I do that?" she asked. She apologized and said that wasn't the way she thinks. She said at this point she has absolutely no feelings one way or the other. She thanked me for pointing it out and asked me to do it again if she was talking that way.

Then she asked what I would think if she wanted to try living on her own for a couple of years...I said "then you'd be on your own, because I won't wait 2 years". She said that's what I thought...and I wouldn't expect anyone to wait that long. It's like she's testing me! Arrgghh!

When I dropped her off, she was bawling and saying how sorry she was that she was doing this to me and to the family and all of our friends. She said "I don't know why I feel this way...I just know that I need to be alone with my thoughts for awhile". The poor thing cried and cried. She hugged me hard and said "I love you" at least 3 times. I stayed pretty composed, considering.

Man, this is the hardest thing I have ever gone through.