cac's comment about porn on Mojo's thread ultimately upset me. I read it hours ago and felt guilty but I decided to just let it go. Then I read Mojo's response to cac. Mojo, this is not in any way directed at you. You merely asked him a question based on the way your TBX was with you. We are both type 4s and LD, so I get why you would ask.

My reaction was to write a post clarifying what it was like with us. I didn't want anyone to think that I was as cold and heartless as Mojo's TBX. Afterall, he's a PAL and if I needed porn to have sex with cac and didn't want to cuddle, then maybe I'm a PAL too. Mojo, I know you weren't implying that; it is my own guilt and bad feelings about myself.

But, I've seen the light. Things are much better for cac and me. I've worked hard on myself. I should feel good about that, right? I should be able to let the past lie, right? I mean, it's the past. I can't change it. All I can do is look to the future and I'm doing that. So what's the problem?

The problem is that I still feel like an LDW. Sometimes it's like I have a red LD pinned to my clothes. It feels somewhat like what I imagine a recovering alcoholic might feel like, at least at first. An alcoholic is always an alcoholic even when sober because they're not "cured." At any time they could relapse. But they go to their weekly meeting and get support from others struggling as they are. And they take one day at a time.

I'll bet once they get sober they feel guilty about the way they used to be, the way they used to hurt the ones they love. Maybe they wish they could turn the clock back and do it over. But they can't.

I still find myself worrying that cac isn't satisfied or feeling loved. He might tell me he is, but that's this week. What about next week? I still sometimes do calculations in my head about how many times we've done it this week or about how long it's been since the last time. I worry that if too much time goes by I'll slip into old patterns. It's like I'm looking over my shoulder. I don't know what the future holds for me regarding meds. I have medical conditions that might require meds that kill my libido. I could very well need ADs at some point down the road, but I don't even think I could consider that unless I was seriously ill because of what they would do to my sex drive. It's like any day now the rug could be pulled out from under me and then it's just like the old days.

I still have a lot of guilt and when I see a comment like that it brings it front and center. And I don't know what to do to make it go away. I guess I don't know how to stop beating myself up either. Must go with the territory.

I also was upset because I do censor myself and choose my words carefully here because cac posts here too and I guess I was expecting the same from him. Maybe that's some sort of covert contract. It just has gotten to a point in our R where it seems pointless to rehash old stuff. But this wasn't old because cac didn't even realize how he felt about me using porn to have sex until he read Mojo's post. He bought all the porn and never indicated to me at the time that it bothered him that I watched it. He didn't even see it as an issue until now.

So now I wonder....should we stay here and continue to read posts and get insight into issues like this? Or, should we move on and focus on the future and let the past lie? Or will the past come back to bite us if we aren't fully aware of its impact on us?

I guess what I'm afraid of is that neither I nor cac will ever really see me as anything but a recovering LDW. And an LDW is such a bad thing to be.