Thoughts anyone because I am getting frustrated about all this.
Wife wanted to talk to me when I phoned D13 tonight. Spoke about different things happening in our lives, chit chat really but what I want to put out there is this;
Wife had auto accident in her/our paid off Mini Van and OM had it covered on his insurance. He haggled to get the best settlement he could and said that he would sort out another car for her. Well this has been quite a while and no car. He made excuse that it would not be enough and he would have to get a loan to top it up.
Well apparently he spent some of the insurance money and did not tell my WAW because he 'screwed up' something. He also said that his credit score was not good enough to get a loan or something and now he has spent all of the money. WAW said that she can not get a car for 2-3 months!!
I asked her how she felt about this and she said "betrayed and upset" WTF! she has been with him for nearly 5 months (me 19 years and I have not and would never do such a thing) and she is still with him. She said if it happened again, she would have to seriously consider staying with him. Is n't the first time enough.
She says that she hates being without a car and I know her, shes does. I said that all she will do is be at home or at work (she works in OM's store) and will have to rely on OM for lifts and he will have to take/pick up kids for school. WAW said he is so busy, he really can not afford the time to do this. TO BAD IT HIS FAULT SO HE WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT.
BTW she asked me not to tell her parents or the children about this. So she is happy to cover for him!!
I asked her whether she thought that this was a good foundation for an R. She replied "no"
The reason for this thread is to ask;
1) Does she hate me that much that this screw up by OM is fine and dandy after 5 months of their R that she can forgive him? I think that spending her money for a car and not telling her totally what was going on is unforgiveable.
2) The old, old question - Do you think that there is now some chink in the armour so to speak in their R? (if I was WAW, I think that the armour would have been blown apart but I am not a WAS and I think clearly).
3) Following on from number 2, could there be some hope for me?
I validated what she said, I said that I am here for her if she needed me, If I had the finances, I would help her with a car. I said that I cared and wanted her to talk to me if needed to, etc.
I thought I was pretty detached and spoke to her in an upbeat manner and said that I did not want to get into anything heavy about how I felt about what OM did (although I am personally f**ked off about it).
She said she was proud of me how I am dealing with the sitch since the bomb.
I also told her how I felt about her not coming out to see me Xmas day when I picked up the kids. I thought she could have after 19 years being together and this being our first one apart. She said that she was uncertain on whether to approach me or not (guilt?).
She said that Xmas was ok for her and kids had a good time. OM was sick and spent alot of it in bed.
My wife was crying when I called the kids this morning. I spoke to her and she was upset because she hates Saturday's as she can not get out of the house as the OM screwed up the chances of her having a car for a while.
I know why she is upset - She can not get out and has to be with the children in the house. I know how they can fight and wind each other up. BTDT for many years.
She is feeling sorry for herself but I can not fix it for her the OM will ahve to sort our her transport when he can. She does not want to be with the children and have the stress of them, she wants to do what she wants.
It is unbelieveable that she has forgiven the OM for his screw up on the money and says he made a mistake.
She must of wanted out of our relationship so much to let this guy do this to her and for her to be unhappy after so little time with him.
Today is not a good day and at the moment I feel that there is little more that I can do to save this sitch.
I care for her and still love her but I do not know how I feel about the whole sitch anymore.
I just don't see how she can call and complain to you about her life. She has made her bed. Offer to take the kids if she is feeling stress from them..... Then its win-win...
Thanks. It just really hit me today that she must really love this OM after 5 months to be ok with the money screw up and it made me feel that 19 years with me meant little to her.
Sheez oh petey, Foo Fighter, you need to get a life separate from your wife! I hope you are going out with friends and TALKING to women, men, etc.... Go out on weekend nights, have dinner with friends, flirt a little. Just because you are talking and flirting with women doesn't mean you are going to have sex with them (unless you want to.... just kidding!!!).
Be more mysterious. Let her think you are dating.. but if she asks, just say nothing serious. You are still married afterall. Be busy sometimes... definitely act like you are moving on with your life and live that way. Don't make this all so easy for her. It's okay to listen and be a positive ear sometimes, but have your own life. You need to do this for you regardless of where this whole thing goes. And stay away from the relationship talk!!! Work on YOU. A healthy, hunky, positive, mentally and physically healthier guy!!! A guy any woman would want to meet. Hey take advantage of that cool accent!!!! American women always swoon over stuff like that.
And if you suspect anything with your son, don't hesitate to call CPS. What you've described sounds suspicious to me. I personally wouldn't want to wait until something really bad happens. In the meantime keep in contact with teachers and request school counseling immediately.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Foo, it cant be much lower for us my friend. The only way to go is up from here!
Try not to think about your W for a while so you can recharge your batteries, its going to be a long and uphill battle. We can do this, Im with you 100%!
Here's to a positive 2008! Cheers!
Hurtin: 32 WAW: 30 D: 8 Bomb: 10/05 Sep: 12/05 Back together 8/07 Bomb (OM): 11/07 Filed for D (me): 12/07
I have been reading everyone's posts everyday but have not really posted. I have felt that there are (unfortunately, because I am sorry for everyone on this board) many experienced DB'ers that have far more to offer than I could. There is not a great deal I could do in my sitch to turn things around to get my WAW back.
Don't get me wrong, I have used DB techniques to work on me. I have on the most part stopped getting involved and trying to fix WAW's problems, become much stronger, am cheerful and positive when I do see her when picking up the children.
I am also standing up for myself more with both WAW and OM and have a new job and although not ideal regarding money (I am a loan officer with Count**wi** now and they pay me a draw until end of March and then all commission only thereafter), it does come with subsidised Medical, Dental and Vision whilst employed with them.
So my main priorities have been to get myself back on my feet immediately, to earn something even if it was short term to look for something more stable. Money and children have to come first especially when I was hit with child support to start by end of January.
My WAW and I do not contact each other unless it is about the children or money or she wants something. I understand from either her or the children that she has had episodes of crying, stress or anger. I know from her that she has been to the hospital for chest pains from stress and had a bladder infection (how do you get a bladder infection anyway?!).
Although my children says she is happy, she sleeps a lot during the afternoons and at the weekend. She also continues to want to be away from the children. What I am reading is that she is totally different when she was with me and is with the OM at his store working mostly and when at home with the children is sleeping. It sounds like depression or she just could care less for the children.
I will never understand why a WAS will lower themselves and IMHO change for the worse rather than work on their marriage.
Quote:
And if you suspect anything with your son, don't hesitate to call CPS. What you've described sounds suspicious to me. I personally wouldn't want to wait until something really bad happens. In the meantime keep in contact with teachers and request school counseling immediately.
I finally went ahead and reported things that my D13 told me about what happened one day about 3 weeks ago. OM was being an a@@hole to my D13 and S11. My D13 told me what happened so I got CPS involved. It took a week for them to go to OM's house and the result was that OM and maybe WAW? had to sign a form to state that they would not do what they were doing physically to the children. They also went to D13 & D11 school, saw the Counselors and spoke to my D13 & S11.
I could n't have the children live with me as I live with a married friend with a child. I also did not want them to go to a foster home but wanted the emotional and physical discipline (abuse?) to stop and I believe that I got the result I wanted.
I also paid the OM a visit the same night I reported to the CPS. I gave him some choice words from my repettoire (sp). Although he called me a dead beat dad as he and WAW had not received child support since she dropped the bomb. Well there was nothing legal from the attorney general or any lawyer and I was not earning any money because I was devasted (and there was a child support agreement starting at end of January 2008 anyway), this was totally out of order in my view.
I pulled him up on the "we" had not received child support as I did not think it was for him. I called him a D'Head and he physically pushed me. I was not going to do anything back, especially with CPS in the picture. I took the high road and was very calm all the way through our little chat. It was funny, I walked out, got in my car, radio on and he came running out of his store shoutin, I just that I could not hear him and drove off. I also made sure that I told him that I knew about the auto insurance money for my wife that he spent. I don't think my WAW told him that she told me. What a picture his face was. The arrogant p**ck said, that it was his money as he had insured her mini van.
I am sorry if any DB'ers do not like my approach but I am not going to pussy foot around trying to get my wife back and not say anything about what a sh*t OM is being. IMO, I was defending my wife in respect of how had treated her.
I did call the children after seeing OM and WAW picked up the phone. I just asked for D13 and WAW hung up the phone and would not answer again that night. The next night was fine and wife never mentioned anything about the CPS or my visit with the OM. She was pretty friendly after this.
Now, my wife is quite happy for me to have custody of D13 and this is what D13 wants. Wife also thinks it would be a good idea for S11 to live with me 50% of the time. Wife says I am the better parent, more patient and can help them with homework and as she loves them so much, this would be better for them (f@@k, it is better for her more like it, although yes it is better for the children, I just do not believe her motives).
WAW also says that the children do not need two fathers and I do not see the OM wanting or doing anything with them. I do not think he cares at all and that is not a life for the children.
Is my WAW still in a fog?? It is unbelieveable how she has dropped the children and their feelings. I just a don't get it at all. It breaks my heart how she can do this to them.
WAW also dealt with financial aid for a divorce last week and said I should get paperwork through the door soon. So I will wait and see. It has not hit me yet that she is pursuing this and may be it will or may be it won't.
I want to tell you all now, apart from how my children are affected (because I will always be affected by that), I feel very detached from my WAW. I do respect her for some things but mostly I do not. My love for her is becoming less and less and I miss her less too. This post was an update, it may seem I am going on about WAW a lot but with little contact with her and little desire at the moment to increase contact, to be frank, there is little of the good stuff to discuss. It does not mean that I am obsessed with her, I am just getting a month's worth of posting out in one go.
I will GAL more when there are the funds to do so. I need to GAL more but that will come in time.
I would seriously have to consider whether to take her back or not if she ever wanted to. I think by the time this ever happens, I would most probably be too far down the road, especially when I get an apartment, can have enough money to live and GAL, have my D13 full time and S11 part time.
I am sorry for such along post. I never wanted to be in my sitch. I could have prevented it if I had DB'ed years ago whilst I was still married, been a better person and husband but I did n't. Life is life and I can not turn back the clock. Yes, I regret not doing it but I can change me now so that those mistakes do not happen again. Whether my WAW wants to be apart of the rebuilt me or not (and if she does, whether I want her to be) is under her control, not mine. I fully understand that now.
I am ashamed and hurt for my children. They did not ask to be born, leave England to come to the USA and they certainly did not ask for this sitch. I am remorseful for my children, I have not seen anything from my WAW to indicate she is.
However, they will remember who walked tall with grace and dignity.
I do not know whether I am a DB'er or whether I would have been in the same place without it over the same time period of 6 months. Regardless, I feel so much happier, better and stronger than after the bomb.
I appreciate everyone on this board, you are all fantastic people and stand for the most honourable thing - your marriage and your children. I stand for this too and always will.
If anyone has any views on where my WAW is - Earth or Mars or has any advice, please feel free to respond.
Wow, Foo, you've been through a lot. Personally, I don't see anything wrong with your approach. You have to think about your children. They need a strong, stable parent and right now your W certainly is not it. I think it took a lot of guts to do everything you've done. I think calling CPS was the right thing to do. (Will they be following up at all?)
Your sitch amazes me. You didn't have a job but they expected you to pay child support? OM had the nerve to call you a deadbeat dad? And the best part of all is the fact that he thinks the insurance money for the van was his because he was paying the insurance! First of all the insurance money was for the van, not for reimbursement of the insurance he was paying. And just who bought the van? I'm sure he didn't. This guy has no integrity. What a putz. I don't blame you for confronting him after everything with the kids, and the van. And good for you for keeping your head about you.
And your wife has no right to keep you from talking to your kids! Perhaps if your job goes well (IBIG congrats on that, btw), you can get them a cell phone. A family plan is pretty cheap these days.
As far as your W and her feelings for the children, like so many other WAS, she seems quite alien. Sounds like she is justifying everything to suit her needs. Wouldn't the kids be better together? Have you thought about going for full custody? Part of me also wonders if she is just interested in child support. And, as sad as it sounds, perhaps she doesn't have room in her life for them at the moment. They're imposing on her new life. But I can't believe this life for her is better! Perhaps she's going through a MLC?
I'm sure after everything you've been through, and seen your kids go through, that you are quite detached from her. You're right, life goes on and there's no turning back. Keep your nose to the grindstone. I'm so glad you have a job. I know for certain that soon you'll be in a place of your own. Continue to be strong for your kids. And, yes, they will remember who walked with grace and dignity.
I have not posted to you before, but I have to say that I would be really leery about CPS actually protecting my kids. After all, it is a Governmental Agency and it's not going to be the most effective or efficient in carrying out it's mission.
I wouldn't hesitate getting in the OM's face to protect my kids. To hell with what your W may have to say about it. Ultimately, that burden to protect them falls directly on you. I know your finances might not be there yet, but I'd fight like hell to get custody if you believe the OM or even your W are neglecting those kids in any manner what so ever.
"It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare." -Mark Twain
