Sorry to report I had a Huge Backslide. I am such an a**.
Well I picked her up from the airport and got the big hug and two kisses. I made the mistake of telling her I missed her. Her reply was “ok”, kind of like so what. We had a nice ride home and talk when we got home. No R, no OM. I kept a PMA and told her what a great time we had when she was gone (GAL).
When we got home the [censored] hit the fan. I was to go pick up my youngest at friends at 10PM. My phone had died for I had to wait so long at the airport because of weather. I asked her if I could use her phone so I could call when I got to the friends house and she said no. I asked why not and she said “it’s my phone and you can not use it”. I asked if there was something I was not to see on there and she said phones are personal. To make a long story short it came to be that she didn’t want me to see her pictures of the OM/ER guy. This lead to a long conversation about OM & R and what she wanted. She said that she missed him and has not talked to/contacted/seen him since I asked them not to have contact back on 12/28. (She didn’t miss me on her trip but missed him I guess.)
She kept on saying the last twenty years have been so horrible, she only remembers the bad stuff. We had such a great life together and I want that back. The things that are coming out of her mouth are unreal!
She went on to say later in bed that she could not take it anymore and I told her how much it hurt me. She kept saying that she just doesn’t have the feelings anymore and didn’t know if they would come back. I asked her for more time to work with me and the therapist. She seems like she is in a real hurry. She kept saying we can’t live like this. She said some really mean things like “I am going away again in two weeks and I am not telling you where I am going nor with whom”. She later apologized and thanked me for taking care of the kids and keeping the house so clean.
I offered to pay for an apartment for her for a year and she could have free reign to come back to this house when ever she wanted, she said her attorney would never allow it. I asked her to ask the attorney. I said that after the year she could come back or we could move along.
This morning she woke-up with a cramp in her leg and I rubbed it out. She had no cloths on and I wanted her so bad. I don’t know how long I can take this. I want her so bad but she has an empty tank for me.
I am now hurting as bad as ever, I can’t live like this. I tried so hard not to backslide but the fog ridden things that came out of her mouth were so destroying and hurt so bad. I worked so hard while she was away and I got nothing in return, not that I expected much.
Please help, any thoughts on what to do from here?
I missed and love her so much. I need someone to share my life with.
Not good. What's done is done, but asking for the phone was a HUGE mistake. What happened to your DB plan? You need to give her a lot of space right now.
You say "I need someone to share my life with." That's just a sign that you are needy right now and require a shoulder to cry on. Reach out to friends and family for support - GAL.
Everyone on this board will agree that what you are doing right now may be the hardest thing that you do in your life.
It's never too late, BT. We all backslide. I know how you feel.
Ask yourself, "is this working?" We know the answer! Ask yourself "is what I'm doing bringing her closer or is it pushing her away?" We know the answer!
Don't wear your heart on your sleeve anymore, BT...make a promise to yourself, and hold yourself accountable to that promise. Be firm with her. Be indifferent. But don't be nasty or mean. Say "if this is what you want, I won't stand in your way". A huge 180 for you.
Relationships with OP rarely last, and sometimes the WAS wakes up. Right now that is your only hope, I think.
Me: 54 Her: 50 and sexy as hell M: 32yrs T: 34yrs Bomb: Sept 26-07 "lost our emotional connection" Bomb 2: Dec 25-07 she's "not feeling desire" She asked if she could come home Apr 26-08! Everything's GREAT!
I can not stand the thought of her being with someone else but she keeps telling me she dosn't have the feeling for me anymore. To think that she is ML to someone else would kill me. I am sitting here looking at her and she is so bueatiful, I can not believe she does'nt love me and our life together is close to over. It's so hard! I want to spend time with her and grow together. This hurts so bad.
I have the same thing, BT. My W said she has lost the feelings of desire for me as well. And I believed her, because sex for the month preceding the bomb was almost non-existent. But now I am not so sure. Last weekend we were cuddling on the couch at her temporary apt, and we started to get physical. She said, boy, you sure know how to push my buttons, and it was actually ME that put on the brakes. Glad I did, too...six weeks of celibacy is no fun!
Anyway, my point is, she may need to get something out of her system, or she may have convinced herself of her position, but this may change after she has the freedom to do as she pleases with no pressure, neediness or guilt from you. You standing in her way and making her feel guilty will just strengthen her resolve.
This will be the hardest thing you ever do, but it sounds like you need to step aside and man up, buddy. What you are doing is clearly NOT working.
"she may need to get something out of her system, or she may have convinced herself of her position, but this may change after she has the freedom to do as she pleases with no pressure, neediness or guilt from you. You standing in her way and making her feel guilty will just strengthen her resolve."
I just mean that the more you push her the harder she will push back....also, she may be curious about sleeping with another man, or about whether she is able to live on her own (my W's issue).
Remember the famous quote from Richard Bach: "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours...if not, it never was".
