Loving a WAS isn't easy

[sandi2]

Oh Bryan, sweetie I am so sorry for your pain. (I can call you that because I'm old enough to almost be your mother....ugh.)(lol) Anyway, I will be here for you and you can talk to me anytime you want to.

I was almost a WAW. Close enough that I had my hand on the door knob. But, couldn't afford to live on what I make and knew he wouldn't help me, so I was more or less forced to stay here for a while.....until I was able to "choose" to stay in the marriage.

I don't know if you are much of a reader or not, but one book that may help you to understand the WAW is a book by Dr. Steve Stephens & Alice Gray and the name is "The Walk Out Woman". I bought mine on line at Amazon---second handed for a very cheap price. It helps the man to understand the feelings and the pain of the WAW and it helps the woman to understand what she needs to do to work through what she is experiencing and to get back with her H. That was a lot of help to me. Both authors have written some more books that are along these subjects and are very good.

Another place on line that would be helpful is womensinfidelity.com It sure sounds like a lot of women today that walk away from their marriage. At one time, I was able to download an E-book, but don't know if they still do that anymore. It is great and would be worth it to buy it at Amazon if you can't download it still. That particular book talked about the 4 stages a WAW goes through and how their "limbo" state gets worse and worse until she actually ends up never feeling satisfied and happy or never feeling "in love" and just stays on a frantic search for that fantasy man of her dreams and hops from one to another. Boy, did that get my eyes open! It described what was happening to me. I'm so glad I never reached that final stage b/c there isn't much hope after that.

A very good informative web site is Marriage Builders. I like this message board better than theirs, but the author is great! You get so much free downloads. It is like taking a class. It talks about how we have "love banks" and how we either make deposits or withdraw from our S love banks. It really is worth looking into.

I can tell you more later, but for now, let me assure you that no matter what she may say at this time........she is hurting. She may try to make you think she is happy and that you will be better off without her....blah, blah, but she isn't. I don't know your stitch and all the details, but most of these stories have a common theme. She is looking for greener grass and she can't bear the pain that she has been pushing down deeper and deeper until the resentment is killing her......so in order to save herself (so she thinks), she leaves.

I have been married to the same man since I was 18 years old......which was 42 years ago. We are about as different as night and day. I had thought about leaving him a few times, but nothing ever developed except once I left for about a week. I never, ever looked at another man. Never had a problem with my age, etc. until I was approaching my 60th birthday. Yep, I was 59 and went into a MLC! Can you believe that? I hope it doesn't make you throw up or anything to think about someone my age going through stuff like that. But, guess what? No matter how old we get......we still have those same needs, desires (yes, and even sex) lol. I felt very neglected and you can read my story under newcomers where I first came on board. Anyway, in my lonliness and boredom, I began to play games on-line and then chat.....then one thing led to another and first thing you know, I am flirting with other men on line and it makes me feel like a young girl again. But, then it led to an EA with one man and then my H found out and it all hit the fan.

You said you still loved your WAW. Well, I don't know how my H could still love me after he read my messages and emails to the OM, but he did. He was able to forgive me and he still loves me. He is a very rare person with a good heart.

I had closed my heart to him for so many years and I have so much resentment for things that happened over all our years together. I built a wall around me with that resentment and it is very hard to tear down. I am still working on it.

I hurt him more than I ever imagined b/c he did not let me see that hurt. All I saw was the ugly side of him. I heard him say things and react in anger in a way that I had never seen before. I did not know that person. He was not the man I married. However, when he looked at me, he did not see that sweet young innocent bride he married, either.

It has been a long hard year for us but we are still together and it is slow and as I've told some others.....we aren't moving at the pace a lot of folks thinks we should, but that is my fault. I know that and accept the responsibility of it. But, I have to work at it in my time and my way. I do listen to what people say and I appreciate when people try to help me. I do feel that being somewhat older and other factors enter the stitch, you have to consider things that perhaps younger people don't deal with now. My H and I have reached the point that we are now in the "friendship" stage. To me, that is progress, b/c this time a year ago.....I couldn't bear to be in the same room with him. I wanted to get away from him so badly that I was ready to walk out for good. So, we are "piecing" slowly but surely. My regular stitch is now over there in the forum where people are starved for sex.....lol. So, you can find out more if you are interested.

Anyway, if you want to talk to me.....I'm here for ya. I will try to answer any questions that I can. I do know that in most cases it is a long road, but there have been some success stories and I know that when I came on board that some very wise people got my eyes open and kept me from walking away from a M of almost 42 years. Can you imagine? But, it happens more and more in this day and time.....people married for years and years and finally just can't take it anymore and split.

Don't give up Bryan. Keep coming here to read other people's stitch. Come here to blow up and vent to us so you can keep your cool around your W and kids. You will get advice, tips, ideas, etc. Some you will like and some you may not, but it is just sharing with each other and most of all trying to support one another. Yes, I am from the other side, but I want to support you and encourage you as much as I can. So, hang in there. I know loving a WAS isn't easy. It takes a special man. If you think she is worth the work and the wait, you have a good chance of getting her back.....if you will do what the books that Michelle says to do. I have read a lot of books on marriage and her's are some of the best. Her principles really do work, but it is all up to you to do your part by applying the principles that you read about. It's hard......very hard, but it works!

Hope I hear from you. Take care of yourself.

Sandi