Battlefield of the mind

[cat03]

thanks for your your thoughts, already I feel queasy, but it's almost time, so here we go!

[cat03]

I brought up C up to date without much detail (didn't want it to become a bashing) H didn't say much at all, very reserved, but in retrospect, if he knew what he wanted we wouldn't be in this mess.

C mentioned the pros and cons of S, saying how he saw it going either way (not reconciling) despite the fact that it seem I very much wanted this work. I mentioned to him my one condition about not wanting to be back until he cut all contact w/ow and that also, despite the fact that mostly I've felt the A/ow overshadow everything I also wanted him back when he decided he wanted our family, that I didn't want to put up a show and a dance for H to like me, that I wanted him to decide on his own to want this M.
I brought up the fact that H does not want to tell ow there is no D nor was a S, that it only made her come back again and again. C agreed and told H that perhaps if ow knew he was staying in his M and not D she might not come back. I asked H if as of today she still believed we were D, he said he doesn't talk much w/her and they dont' talk about that anymore. H mentioned how he'd cut the phone soon (also for financial reasons, he/us can't afford another cell bill). H said that this time he did broke it off w/her.

We talked a bit about telling s9, didnt' get the exact info I expected, but got some pointers. As far as the frequency of our communication, C said there was no reason to cut all contact if we didnt' mean this to be a legal S, to go by how we both felt, that if we weren't talking about our R to come more often to C, to adjust to the degree of our communication.
C told him that pretty much the ball was on his court, it was up to him to make this M work, to decide.

Again, H was mostly silent, he did sound po'd when after I made a quick summary of his deception about breaking it up to ow saying "I volunteered that info by the way, I didnt' have to say anything." He's said this before and I told him one time "really? you didn't have to? " surmising that if he wanted this M he'd HAD to. But today I understood that he really didnt' have to say stuff that would put him in a bad light, in a way, he came clean on a lot of stuff. I txted him later recognized that it was perhaps a baby step in our favor.

Well, that's it (I meant to make it short, ops!), so we'll still talk, just not as often and we'll still see each other when I get home during his 2 says off w/kids (well, for a bit, he'll be heading out shortly). Thanks for reading my ranting, will try to keep busy this weekend, God has this problem in His hands, I'll just try to detach and keep on moving forward.

[newnamenewlife]

I have a terrible time sleeping and have taken Ambien almost every night for the past few months. I am not happy to be taking it so often, but it does work. I also listen to a CD of chanting most nights, which is very soothing. My H is still at home, sharing our bed. We have stopped all cuddling, which is so sad. He is in major MLC mode, just completely absent in terms of our R.

I often think I should ask him to sleep on the couch because I find it terribly hard to share our bed with him/us in this state.

[Sara]

My mother has a lot of friends who take ambien (these are women in their 70's). She said one friend took ambien and tried to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and somehow fell into the bathtub! Another had a dream that she got up in the night and ate 2 chicken legs and a lot of ice cream. Sure enough, in the morning the food was missing! Love those ambien stories.

[verycrazy]

that's funny, about the ambien, sara, I may rethink asking my dr. for some...

Cat, I will be praying for you and your H. It seemed positive, the meeting with C. I hope you can get some sleep, I know how you feel, I don't sleep well at all, anymore, and I wake up often and long before the alarm goes off in the morning.

Hugs to you, and try to have a good weekend.

L

[runningoutoftime]

I may be wrong here, but I think you may need the space even more than he does. I even think you might be better off discontinuing the joint C and going to individual C. The tension with the situation and the nuttiness with OW make me think that you haven't detached even half as much as you need to.

Also, my intuition tells me that your husband needs to spend a lot more time at the "grass at the other side of the fence" before he can finally decide which side he really wants to be on.

And I think the more you try to make things "work," the longer itn may take for him to make this decision.

[BeingMe]

No advice, just hugs to you Cat. Hope you manage to catch up on some sleep this weekend.

[cat03]

thanks for support everyone I didn't get a chance to get any sleeping aids, but i'm guessing it will be better tonight, I don't feel as burdened, perhaps I will get a good night sleep.

the more you try to make things "work," the longer itn may take for him to make this decision.

Funny you said this, I thought the C would've agreed to the S, he almost seemed taken aback when I told him we are S.
Bad habits die hard, I will try to cool off and not act as if all is back to normal with the "minuscule" detail that..he doesn't live here.
H didn't say anything positive or negative about the S, I was expecting him to say how he really needed this, I was surprised about that, specially since he was the one who brought up S.

I must remember at some point he told me it wasn't a choice between her and me, that he would never had an R with her, it was a choice between staying with me or not.
So... he has a lot of thinking to do, I will try to stop influencing him in any way.

[appleroad]

quote:

I must remember at some point he told me it wasn't a choice between her and me ..... .... it was a choice between staying with me or not.
So... he has a lot of thinking to do, I will try to stop influencing him in any way.

unquote

Cat, one of the reasons I like keeping up with your thread is that there are things I seem to be doing almost in tandem with you. F'rinstance, in your last thread you tipped me off and made me do more internal work on the last remaining big issue that I had with H, the way he was able to justify his EMA by dissing me behind my back with OW (he still sees her as virtuous BTW) And I actually got that aired and settled and let it go -- an amazing breakthrough for me, I let the damned thing go!! So, I get a lot personally out of giving you my interpretation of things and giving you advice -- I often end up taking it myself.

Now this thing here you have brought up: "it was a choice between staying with me or not" -- is very significant in my own relationship. With me, OW/EMA gone by the time I tuned in. But the relationship/marriage problem remained. H thinks he does not want M. Although he does -- now -- and for now -- want an exclusive relationship with me. That's where we're at -- actually, this is an improvement over when this started, I've gained a lot of ground. And that gained ground has happened during the separation and I believe is a consequence of the separation, I don't think it would have happened otherwise.

So hang in there, there's likely to be plenty of interesting new, positive developements over the next few weeks for you and also for H. I agree with Peaceful Spirit, H really does need to be on his own and figure some stuff out on his own, and it is to your advantage to leave him be and figure your own stuff out. But it doesn't hurt to hand him a loaf of freshly baked bread on his way out after a day of child-minding.

But today I understood that he really didnt' have to say stuff that would put him in a bad light, in a way, he came clean on a lot of stuff. I txted him later recognized that it was perhaps a baby step in our favor.

Cat, I think this is a really, really positive thing for you to have realized and to have done. It took me quite a long time to fully appreciate what my H did, voluntarily disclosing, answering my questions on EMA, then bearing my anger which was stimulated by this disclosure. And it took me an even longer time to let him know that I appreciated him for what he had done. You are definately on the right track here.

[cat03]

thanks apple, glad you got one monkey off your back

H will come early on monday to watch kids so i can go to the dentist and will stay late because i'm going to the movies with friends, so , dinner is on me (home cooked meal, we are broke, lol)
He txts me and we talk 1 or 2x per day, I was mostly feeling good today.
I noticed that over all I feel good, for a little while negative thoughts tried to make me put a hand into the handbasket full of snakes (memories of H lying/deceving me with ow) to get me down-- it helps me to think of it that way, a basket of vipers which no matter how I try to handle they will bite me, better leave them alone and far.
Slept better, less rumiating, thinking of other stuff asides from the current sitch, getting use to travel this new terrain.