All Hope is lost/Help - Part 2

[cat03]

H seemed happiest to me in the beginning, when we weren't married, didn't have so much responsibility,
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weren't we all hon? my then fiancee thought that we'd never argue like those "other" couples.LOL

There just seems too much that H seems resentful for, for him too forgive and move forward with me. He says it's nothing I have done and isn't my fault?
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From what I've read your H seems to have some sort of D. He is unhappy with himself thus unable to offer any goodness towards others, you can't give what you don't have. D is a terrible thing, you loose life's little joys (a warm blanket, a sunny day), nothing seems worth it anymore.

It's a good thing though that you both have a healthy interaction.

[seekpeaceofmind]

Sometimes I think - being grown up is hard work. There are obligations, bills to pay and people who depend on you and expect you to show up. I think for some - whether they are MLC or WA - they can deal with it in one arena, like work, but can't deal with it at home, too. Your H can't blame you b/c this is just real life.

We don't know what's going on in their heads, although there do seem to be some patterns for MLC, at least. Maybe we each should get a certain number of "time-outs" in life when we can step off the treadmill and just be. . . .

At the same time, your H seems to be success-oriented and so a lot of his values are driven by that. The question becomes - how do you define success?

This may not be a constructive response in terms of DB - but I did want to stop by. . . .

[Evie]

I need a quick decision - as we have 2 companies holding holidays.



My H wants to go out skiing during half term to visit D1 in France.



The company she works for and that we usually go with only have space for 2 -H and S1. I have said to H that I’m not that happy with him going with Just S1 and leaving S2 at home. (H and S1 also go skiing in March with the prep school)



There is another company that has 4 spaces left, but has no child care on offer and H wouldn’t be able to ski with both sons on his own as the little one is a complete beginner. He has agreed with me that it isn’t fair that S2 should be left at home (its also his 4th birthday mid week) and has put the proposition to me that I come too.



Doesn’t seem such a problem in writing but my head is swimming!



Things to take into consideration is that D2 (16) will be left at home and my mom would have to stay for a week (don’t think that will be a problem), I’m waiting for D2 to call me, so I can sound her out.



Swimming at the weekends – A week without admin cover – things normally go wrong when we’ve left it before, but if H is happy to leave it then I would be too.



So the options are:



1. H goes on his own

2. H and S1 go

3. The four of us go.



I naturally have reservations and am cautious about the 2 of us on holiday, is it a good thing or could it be a bad thing?



We would be together 24/7, sleeping separately of course.



What do you think?

[Evie]

Well the holiday is booked. Too good an other to refuse. I decided to make my decision based on the boys. I took myself and my own reservations out of the equation. The boys would dearly love to see their sister and enjoy a weeks skiing.

The question now is me? I didn't want to be put in this position, but I am. I have to take everything at face value. I may state a few boundaries to H, such as we parent the boys 50/50. (He has a tendency to fall asleep and leave me to supervise).

Any suggestions on how best to handle this sitch and DB 24/7. I don't want to talk R, it's still too early in our sitch and I know I wouldn't like what H would have to say.

Dis

[seekpeaceofmind]

No R talk - definitely!

The problem I see with stating "boundaries" in a direct, upfront way is that he may feel controlled. Could you maybe propose an agreement? Say to him that you know he has been working hard and must be tired, so you'd like to give him a couple of nights off from childcare, but you were wondering if he'd mind if you and D1 had an evening just for the "girls" and maybe you'd also like to get out on your own one afternoon or evening. So that the seed is planted that you will share the parenting duties. Or, maybe another approach would be to say that you know he would probably like some quality time with just him and boys and how would he like to handle that? If he's like my H he may prefer not to get into specific plans. . .

[Evie]

Seek - thanks, that sounds like a better plan than mine.
I know he won't want to be with me all the time and I think the sleeping was previously away of ignoring me. I plan to just be myself, i've recently just done this type of holiday so i know I can do it. Your right about the controlling and specific plans bit. I need to lighten up, but i'm also not prepared to the majority of the child care.

X Dis

[Jen_Jam]

Hi E

Glad you decided to do the holiday - it will give your H a chance to see what he's missing and it'll be nice to be together as a family - again, giving H a chance to see what he's missing!

But one word of warning - go with NO expectations. This holiday won't cure anything, but it CAN count as a step towards it.

Your plan to be yourself is spot on - you can't be anything else

OK - childcare .... perhaps your H would prefer to be approached as part of the solution, at the moment it looks as if you're viewing him as the problem (which he may well be, but it won't do you any favours to in any way show you think this). Something along the lines of "H, while we're on this break I'd like to do xxxx, and I'm sure there are things you'd like to do. What do you suggest WE do to make sure WE all have a good time?" (note the stress on the we. Contract this with "H, while we're on this break I want to do xxx, YOU will have to look after the kids a bit, I am not prepared to do it all the time".)

In this way, between you you can come up with some kind of plan ... but the trick is to make it NOT look like a plan .. if you can get out of him say one evening and one afternoon to yourself this will be a baby step.

I'd also have a good long think about how you want to approach this week. One of my gurus here, SDFound Girl, had a good tip - imagine what kind of day/week you want, visualise it, then it usually happens. Remember the only control you have is over yourself, and you are fully responsible for your own happiness and not that of others.

In my sitch, my H felt terrible guilt at what he'd done too. I realised each time I looked upset it brought that guilt up to the surface. This is where my GAL activities and just liking myself came in SO handy - H didn't see me looking upset, so it took away his reason to feel guilty. The attitude I put over was "well, while you make up your mind what you want to do I'm going to enjoy myself, and if you're daft enough to D me then it's your loss!". I still firmly believe that to this day - if my H walks, his loss. I'm pretty darned wonderful and a darned good wife to him. That confident stance can be very attractive to men too....

OK, this post is a bit all over the place, wat I'm really trying to say is go with no expectations, but watch for baby steps. if you have expectations you can miss the baby steps. be yourself, be wonderful, elegant and charming, show H what he is missing. If you want some time to yourself, say so. Ask H "would you ...?". Then whatever he replies, it's all no big deal. if he says yes, it's still no big deal. Smile, say thanks and then go off and enjoy yourself. Stay pleasant, polite and cheerful and you will be fine

[Evie]

Thanks Jen - your advice is really sound.

I have been thinking all day about a word that Seek mentioned - 'control'. I think I have definiately being way too controlling in the past. I need to drop this and think more about my interactions being more positive and I don't have any expectations from this holiday, i'd rather not be going. I guess im afraid that if I have made any progress, then it may get undone this week?

You and seek have given good advice on 'how' to ask for what i'd like, rather than telling H what I want.

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The attitude I put over was "well, while you make up your mind what you want to do I'm going to enjoy myself, and if you're daft enough to D me then it's your loss!". I still firmly believe that to this day - if my H walks, his loss. I'm pretty darned wonderful and a darned good wife to him. That confident stance can be very attractive to men too....

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I like this, i'm kind of in this frame of mind atm, although i'm concious that i could have being controlling. I hope I come across as more confident and appealing to H. Do you think they are aware of our changes?

Thanks for reading.

X Eve

[seekpeaceofmind]

I have been thinking all day about a word that Seek mentioned - 'control'. I think I have definiately being way too controlling in the past. I need to drop this and think more about my interactions being more positive

I hope that my comments didn't come across as a judgement - I was just trying to look at how your H might react, recognizing that his perceptions are his reality regardless of your intentions.

[Evie]

Seek, not at all, no offence taken what soever. You hinted at a negative behaviour pattern. The more I thought about it during the day, the more i realised i WAS/AM controlling. I Thank you for pointing it out (((Seek))).

I clicked on a link somewhere here on the BB, for the 'marriage builders' site. It was all about how daily/weekly/monthly/yearly rituals were the glue that connected us and held us togther. One couple were so badly in crisis that this Dr had even lost hope himself that they would reconcile. He offered to keep trying and eventually the couple did reconcile - the answer - their Friday night jewish meal ritual.

I have given 'our rituals' a lot of thought. When we first got together and had our first house, we had a huge cast iron bath and most nights we would bath together, that stopped when we moved house and didn't have such a huge bath and we started working irregular hours.

I think i'm more in favour of rituals than H and I don't think we ever really created enough of them. I like our ritual on Xmas eve where we sit together and wrap the presents for the kids sacks and enjoy a take away meal. We didn't have the takeaway meal this past xmas but we still wrapped presents together.

The people that were inteviewed on this marriage builders website all made time for each other, they nearly all had a daily or weekly ritual that they put in the diaries and they stuck to it. With the hours we work, we didn't do that and I niavely thought we were indestructable......

When H and I got together I already had my daughters, so we had a ready made family. We didn't have any time on our own to get to know one another. I think this is what H means when he said he had no space. The only space we used to get was when the girls went to their dads alternate weekends and I guess when that stopped H may have felt WE as a couple lost something?

One thing H did, and i never paid any importance to it, but maybe it was important to him, but he used to call me during the day at work. Now we all know how much that has got on my nerves in the last few months, but maybe thats being his way of 'connecting'? Maybe I should just loosen up and build on these calls when I get them?

x Eve