I came to enjoy the lack of stress and the freedom and relaxation.
I came to enjoy the neatness and organization that i crave.
I have to supress my excitement, frustrations, and even when I'm upset or stressed. H sees it as either unnessesary or too loud. He even tells me continually to lower my voice like I'm 5 years old. Yet he speaks in such a low monotone voice I can barely hear him when he speaks (other people too). He did the announcing at the gym meet we just had and a coach from another gym told me it sounded like H was announcing at a funeral.
yup- that's pretty much why I'm unhappy. the carefree relaxed person is being chipped away at daily.
I haven't told H about the KLA tapes yet- i don't trust him enough to tell him about them and have him possibly end up here. Plus he tends to put down things that I do. I know I'm jumping the gun and guessing his actions- but after 15 years and even now after the sep. and his "changes"-- he is still the same - doing the same things.
I just feel beat down.
When life gives you lemons, trade them for limes and break out the tequila!!-- Soxfan2007
7/1/05 Bomb 7/20/05 H moves out 2.5 years of Rollercoaster 10/30/07 H moves back home
Sox, It seems like he should be learning to adapt to and appreciate your effervescent personality and temperament. I can remember early in my M, a relative commenting to me that I was trying to suppress my W's personality. In the past several years, I've allowed her to influence me and work on being more flexible and lively.
I wonder why you give him such power? Perhaps it's time to consider some 180's in this regard, so that you can be comfortable in your own home. He's just going to have to cope.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Today he is going to a substitute teacher training.I told him to have fun and write down anything he had a question about because 1/2 of what they tell you really isn't true. He asked "like what?" I replied like school request lists for substitutes. The way to get into schools isn't through the office, it's through the teachers. Even if you are on the list in the office, if someone subs in my class and does a horrible job, they won't be called back. He asked what about a resume- they said to bring resumes to the schools. I replied that I had never read a subs resume and they are just filed away. He aske dabout business cards. I said some do them and leave them in the teachers lounge, but honestly unless I get another teacher's opinion, I won't call from a business card. And if I do, and they do a horrible job, everyone in the school knows and they won't be requested again. the only way to get going and get requested is to sub, do a good job and the word will spread.
I have offered for him to sub at my school in the classrooms around me to get his feet wet- that way I can help and my co-workers can offer suggestions- he has refused.
Oh well. I told him the truth. He thinks subbing is a cake walk and middle school will be easier than elementary. I pee my pants laughing everytime he tells me that.
I've subbed k-12 and taught for 11 years- yet he has it all figured out.
I can not wait until next week when he does his first sub job.
CL- you're right. He is suppressing my personality. He even tells me I'm a different person when he sees me coaching or in the classroom. He FLAT OUT notices that. When I tell him and the therapist tells him that he is changing me- he still doesn't see it. Duh. He says he's helping me to become a better person. I replied once when he said that "ya, but you've been doing that for 10 years and now you don't like the person I've become- do you think maybe you should stop trying to make me better, it obviously isn't working".
didn't work. Oh well. Maybe with him working things will get better.
I will certainly have a lot to laugh about. (((Mean I know, but gotta give a girl a break now and again))) If I can't wake him up, maybe spending a day with 250 14 year olds will!!!!!!!
I have my line all ready for next week the first time he says anything about the kids behavior-----
welcome to my world!!!!
When life gives you lemons, trade them for limes and break out the tequila!!-- Soxfan2007
7/1/05 Bomb 7/20/05 H moves out 2.5 years of Rollercoaster 10/30/07 H moves back home
It seems like he should be learning to adapt to and appreciate your effervescent personality and temperament.
Easier said than done, but I like what CL wrote! It sounds like you are in counseling together.....right??? Hopefully others will give you some ideas on 180s.....I am brain dead right now.
Sox, I don't think it matters where you start in improving your situation. You can start with doing a 180 and see if it changes the patterns in your M. You can work on slowing down and being less reactive to your H. You can work on accepting your situation as it is. You can work on staying with the feelings that your H provokes in you, and being less reactive to it. You can work on rebalancing your life and immersing yourself in a hobby that enriches you.
At this point though, it seems that you are reacting to your H and situation, and have lost your grounding. You need to reclaim your center and power by either practicing a behavioral, or cognitive change. Note, that I said practice.
If he's being consistently verbally abusive to you, then that's a different matter. The strategy then becomes limiting the amount of time spent with him, to the extent needed.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
THanks. I tried the 180 with reacting to H and his habits. He got worse. It was like "hey she's not complaining so it must be OK". I have been trying to rebalance my life- I do feel out of whack. I feel like H just beats me down again.
As for a hobby-- I work from 8-3:30 and then 4-8 every day, 9-1; and 2-4 on Saturdays and usually 11-3 on sundays. I used to scrapbook, but with H back if I leave my scrapbook stuff out, H sees it as an invitation to leave receipts, magazines, books, shoes all over the place (as in if her stuff is out, it must be ok to have my stuff all over the place) even though my stuff is neat and on my scrapbook table.
I ended up leaving for 2 hours Friday night. I v=came home not feeling well and H was upset when I did't want him to make me dinner (I wasn't hungry), then I started putting away the christmas decorations that he had taken off the tree and laid all over the floor. He said I didn't have to do it then. I replied that now was as good a time as any and since he had brought the tubs in from the garage and put them in the hall, I might as well. then He said something about me being all mad, I replied that I was tired and things needed to get done. He said he would do it, I replied that I was doing it and they'd been there for 2 weeks already and hadn't been done- and now i had the time. Then he said something and I replied that I was tired of living like this. I finished the decorations and went to do laundry. I started folding it. He then replied again that he would do it tomorrow. I just looked at him and said i'm doing it. He said he said he'd do it tomorrow. I threw down the clothes and said fine- I guess i'll go get the mail- unless you want to do that for me too; since apparently all I am required to do is sit on my ass and look pretty and let every one else do everything for me. I ust be come type of freakin moron or something.
I left for 2 hour, came home and slept on the couch only to be woken by H turning on the TV.-- and yes there is a TV in the bedroom. I don't want to be around him- so I've already started limiting contact and conversation.
He is trying to provoke me- he won. And yes, I'm telling him that if things don't change and change soon, we're done for good. I can't live with him and I won't keep living unhappy like this.
OH well, life goes on.
When life gives you lemons, trade them for limes and break out the tequila!!-- Soxfan2007
7/1/05 Bomb 7/20/05 H moves out 2.5 years of Rollercoaster 10/30/07 H moves back home
Gee, Sox, you waited so long for him to come home, but now that he is home you are so unhappy.
Do you really think he was trying to provoke you on purpose??? Do you think he really understands what you expect from him??? What is the number one thing that you think needs changing to make your marriage work?
Sox, How are you trying to rebalance your life? Why are you working seven days a week?
My W (alias Madame CL) was a terror to live with when she worked six days a week. We have her down to a PT job. She is expected to choose very carefully her next job.
You can't piece together a M from a state of fatigue.
I do understand your need for order and tidyness in the home. My W says that a clean home is essential since the rest of her life is in flux. I do my part to help keep it clean, otherwise she's a terror to live with.
I think you're frustrated and disappointed that your piecing efforts have not been more successful.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
(((Mean I know, but gotta give a girl a break now and again))) If I can't wake him up, maybe spending a day with 250 14 year olds will!!!!!!!