- W must agree to 100% no-contact and full transparency plan before I will agree to MC, engage in R talk, or engage her in any way other than the day-to-day business of running our HH and attending to our children;
- W cannot disrespect me by texting, e-mailing or phoning OM from inside of our home, or in front of me or our kids when we're out and about;
- I will absolutely no longer pay for (enable) the things that W was using to carry on her affair: cellphone, tummy tuck payments, botox, VS lingerie, hair coloring -- anything other than her daily basic needs;
- I would not tolerate her lying to me, including "I"m not having an A"; "We're just friends"; "I did not go to see him last night" -- ANYTHING that I had hard evidence that it was untrue, I would put my hand up, say "STOP. We both know you're lying to me right now, and it's disrespectful. Please stop it."
- She had to tell the truth about her affair to her parents and our adult children, and stop lying to them and -- even worse -- making ME about like I was paranoid or something. Either she did this, or I would (and I gave her 60 seconds to decide).
That's about it as far as "personal integrity" or "boundary" issues. Once she agreed to end her affair, the list of "dealbreakers" became:
1) Write a no-contact letter for me to send or deliver;
2) Quit your job immediately (they both worked at the same place);
3) Get a full-panel STD test;
4) Agree to full transparency (cell phone # changed, new detailed billing to come to me; I am to be able to look at her cellphone any time I wish; I can GPS her car if I ever feel the need to again).
She abided by my boundaries from the get-go. It took three full months for her to agree to end the affair and come back to the marriage. Once she did that, each of the "dealbreaker" items were done dragged kicking and screaming (she is a stubborn woman!), but she did them all except for the STD test, which she's consistently refused to do.
Which is why we still don't ML. I will not waver on this.
As far as "shining a light back towards the marriage," it was all the MWD DB stuff -- GAL, be positive, work on ME, and then letting her know that I was ready to forgive her, not lord it over her that she'd had an affair, not being "needy/grabby/pursuing", and all of the other positive things that we talk about on the board. So I DO believe in those things -- I just think you have to bust the affair FIRST, and get the wayward OFF of the thing they are addicted to, before any real progress can be made.
I hope that helps. btw, "DoingMyBest" (formerly "TryingMyBest") has some VERY exciting news to share with everyone, and should be posting later today. I'll let him tell it.
