Priorities and tests of strength

[Brian_M]

I think my W sensed how upset I am after our brief conversation last night as she called very early this morning. LFL, I took your advice and told her point blank how I feel about her absence during this whole thing. I explained that I understand and respect her devotion to her mother, but that as her Husband, I would expect a degree of reconsidering priorities.

My W asked me what I want her to do. I know this is a bit selfish, but I said that if I relapse next week and end up hospitalized in a life-threatening situation again, I would really appreciate it if she would come home. Specifically, that would mean my W would have to undertake the unpleasant task of asking one of the other two sisters to come and take over care of her mom. My W responded, "Of course, just ask me to come home and I will". I don't know if it is the steroids or the Percocet, but I snapped back, "No, I am not asking you to make value judgments, nor am I going to "ask" you to come home. You need to make your own decisions as to what is important here."

Currently, I am stable and actually improving. Test results as of yesterday offered a huge sigh of relief in that the life-threatening concern is under control. In fact, I begin physical therapy today. Though, the next few weeks are really not guaranteed. I am optimistic and will do everything I can. Though, if there is a downturn and my W does not come home, especially after our point-blank conversation on the topic, well, then my W and I will be having a completely different discussion.

cemar2, I think you pegged it. This was partially a test of who is higher on the priority list, mother or husband. That kind of comparison is a very treacherous road to start digging up and not always one with common agreement or a warm and fuzzy outcome. For example, my MIL is 70 now, so this might be the last time my W has an opportunity to really be there for her M in such a significant way. I can understand why that is important for my W. Plus, I can actually accept that I am prioritized behind the woman that brought my W into this world. I just need to feel that my W's love and devotion for me ranks somewhere high on that priority list.

KML: Great thoughts and insight. Yes, it is a tough situation indeed. Plus, yes, I think my W's past behaviors are part of the reason I am so upset here. To be blunt, my W is a very self-centered woman who just does not know how to think much past things that immediately impact her. I know that sounds harsh, but I often feel like I am just the caretaker, checkbook, and protector. The only way to address those feelings has been several years of MC now. During that MC, I have learned that I have to come out and ask for nearly everything I want very directly and explicitly. Ack..now I am pissing and moaning that I did not find a more sensitive gal again.

Thanks to all for the well wishes and feedback.