I have said to you often that the key for your recovery and survival is dealing with your own issues. I want to respectfully point out to you that your reaction to what Ellie said was harsh. I got the impression that you felt you were being personally attacked. Maybe even challenged? I wonder why???? Could it be that someone questioned your ability to "fix" the situation and it struck a nerve? I think this is something you should think on as it probably carries over into your business life. We can talk more about that later.
You're right, My response to Ellie was harsh and I was angry when I wrote it. Ellie, I'm sorry for not using my own rule of not posting when I'm angry.
I was angry because the previous post re-hashed how I was supposedly trying to 'justify' my depression, drinking, etc by blaming W. That was very annoying because I took all the blame in the beginning for everything and was successful at flogging myself into a bloody heap. In fact, it was that feeling that helped keep me in my cycle of anxiety, hurt and drinking - the fear of her leaving me again, the knowledge that she wasn't trying to help me feel safe in our marriage.
So, I've put the self abuse and blame on the back burner in my POSTINGS but it's still there. I've talked about her shortcomings and issues in this situation so I can better understand HER.
I don't 'micro-analyze' her temperature all the time. Only with occasional posts to the board. I realize it's hard to know what I'm really thinking most of the day if I only post these little observations about W so it's unfair for me to expect responses that don't say "You are focusing too much on her".
One thing Ellie posted did make me think a little last night when I was journaling. That is this: Being 'cold and distant' is not who I am. Yes, I need to stay away from W as much as possible. Yes I need to keep talks short. But I don't need to be as cold as I have been. I'm a good person and I hate treating anyone badly. I would even treat a stranger nicer than I have been treating W.
So, I've chosen to be kind and compassionate when I am interacting with her. I'll still keep it short but I'm going to be 'me'. She still has to 'lose me' because it's just not healthy right now for me to be to open to her. MY heart's broken and I really really have to save the rest of my life first.
It will be a little harder, because then she'll start to be nicer to me and I'll have to fight off the 'hopefulness' for reconciliation. Right now she is being angry at me all the time and no longer making eye contact and that itself is hard enough to shake off.
However, this is WHO I AM.
She just came into my office to tell me her schedule for the day, most of which I didn't need to BE told. She was irritated, spoke quickly, didn't make eye contact, and left in a hurry.
I was pleasant, smiled, and wished her a good day. That's who I am.
