So, husband is in an obvious funk. We have had sex twice in a week, so it's become "middle of the road" again. Not sex-starved in my opinion, but not "passionate" enough in his.
I have been trying to respect his need for some wind-down time and have kept the kids and myself out of the house till 6 or 8 in the evening most nights this week, but it isn't doing any good. I can go into a bunch of detail, but basically HE HAS SAID as of the last two days that he doesn't know what is wrong with him, he doesn't even want to come home, he sees nothing wrong with drinking beer and plopping the kids in front of the tv till they both crash, etc. I feel after he has had a business meal out at a steakhouse (meanwhile, I'm eating chicken nuggets and mac n cheese) or I have intentionally kept the kids out at McDonald's play place or a friend's house so that they are fed when he comes home and ALL WE WANT is for him to PLAY with them, that is NOT asking too much. He just recently attended his last counseling session (a few weeks ago) and we decided we a) couldn't afford it anymore and b) were doing better. Then all of a sudden this crops up. He had tears in his eyes the other night when I was prodding him to get up off the bed and help me or at least play with the kids. I asked him if he felt this way during the day while at work, he said no, because then he has something to focus on. I said well, you used to say all your problems were work related, then you got on AD's and everything started going much more smoothly with you and the boss. (He sarcastically said, "I guess it was just ME all along!") Then he said it was all my fault, I didn't show him enough passion and he requested *I* get on AD's, so I did. The next month, I caught him emailing the woman from out of town he'd met at a convention and I started posting here. I went into full DB mode and things improved. I got us the hotel room over Christmas and have been doing certain sexual things on his "list" that he claimed would prove my love for him. Then a few weeks ago, OUT OF THE BLUE, he writes me an email from work that said:
I need you to tell me the truth. 15 years ago, when we finally decided to get back together and the next day I found you still asleep at Charles house...did you [censored] him? Don't tell me you don't remember.
I dealt with this as calmly and rationally as I could, saying I wasn't going to discuss it any more, nothing productive comes from it, etc. He snottily said, "I guess there's my answer." I said no, it's not, but you can choose to twist it however you like. I truly don't remember, but told him whatever I told him in the past is the truth because I was always up front about what all had happened, even when it was hurtful. I don't believe I did. I think I went over to his house to break things off/say goodbye sort of and fell asleep. He woke us the next morning, banging on the door and we were clothed. It is a foggy memory that I'm sure we rehashed at the time, but he has continued to play over and over in his head. So after an evening of tension and him finding other things to bite my head off over, this went away.
So, now, with his "down in the dumps" behavior the last few days, I have tried to say that he needs to see a psychiatrist, because it will combine the counselor he was seeing with the person prescribing his AD meds into the same person, which makes perfect sense to me. I talked to him about it on the phone yesterday. He kept saying he had to go and we about got into it just in order for me to talk to him for 3 min. I said I wanted him to call up his friend from out of town (single guy) and arrange a weekend. He softened a tiny bit then. Last night, when he finally came home around 8:00 - (he called around the time he usually comes home and said he was staying late, then we got into it and after he was home, and he said he also stopped for a beer), he said that I said he was mental and I needed a psychiatrist, etc. I didn't say any of the disparaging remarks he said I did, I was simply saying (after he said he would not go) that I was going to insist that he does continue to see someone. He said later it was because of the way I said it that he said no. I don't think I said it any way, but just that he is defensive about the whole subject. So last night, he still ate dinner by himself in the bedroom, tried to have the kids brush their teeth on their own while laying in bed, etc. I told him the kids needed him to PLAY with them, that Mari had been asking when he would get home etc and he mumbled as he walked away that they were the only reason he came home. Nice.
So this morning, I make a point to make him breakfast, so he won't do the usual diet of doughnuts/coke/burgers/pizza/beer that he subsists on. I sent him with an egg sandwich, a banana, some protein shakes a brownie and his vitamin. ALL I said this morning was, "I'm sorry if you think I said things a certain way, it wasn't my intention, but just think for a minute that maybe because of not taking care of yourself and the extremely normal stresses of parenting, etc that things aren't as bad as they seem. Maybe your work isn't so much more difficult than anyone else's and maybe your kids aren't any more awful than anyone else's and maybe your marriage isn't any less passionate than anyone else's. Wouldn't that be good to know?"
He sent me this email: Thank you for making me breakfast today. I have not heard back from Clint yet. Robin I don't think I need a shrink or meds to level me out. I just feel overwhelmed with existing for everyone else...I never get any real time for myself. The daily monotony is weighing me down. Get up, got to work, come home, get kids fed, bathed, ready for bed, go to sleep, start again. I need more time for me and excitement from you. I love you but I can't continue without changing something. I don't know what that is, but I need some real passion, not only from you but also form myself in the form of pursuing my interests and hobbies as well as some sort of social outlet. I don't know if I can explain it with words.
I love you,
February 9 will be 17 years for us, but he won't celebrate it because he haven't been "together" that whole time, since the beginning. He celebrates our wedding anniversary (well sort of.)
PLEASE don't just read all of this and then not post your reaction. I know my perspective has been skewed because I have no intentions of divorcing this man unless things get even worse, and I TRULY don't think he is going to have (or is having) an affair, but I think he fantasizes about not having any commitments. So what can I do about the fact that he's married, works full time and has 2 kids?? Does he really think it would be better if he were single?
