Help me find the passion

[tmi]

LS, you are doing 90% of the work right now, in your R and just in life in general, it sounds like.

Did I suggest already that you check out A Woman's Guide to Changing her Man (another by Michele)? I bet you'd find some strategies to help, but even more importantly, she could explain much better than I can why sometimes the effort is unequal and it's okay.

Another thing I thought of while driving around this afternoon is that sometimes people have to consciously decide to increase their connection with their sexual side. Most men think about sex a gazillion times a day (except for the LD ones, I guess), while most women (again, there are exceptions) don't. Deciding to think about sex/read something sexy/whatever gets you charged up a certain number of times a day (can you set an alarm on your watch?) may mean that when a chance for sex comes up, you'll grab it, because it will be much less effort to switch gears - your juices will already be flowing, so to speak!

I like the phone call suggestion too and agree that the more satisfaction your H is getting at home, the less likely it is that he will be spending weekends away.

Still, I remember how furious I used to get when my H told me that he 'needed' to play golf on the weekends. It's hard to know why some men (and perhaps women too) just don't realize that life has changed, once there are children in the picture.

[mrsc]

Dom,

Since you've never been an LD woman, I find it interesting that you presume to know what LS should or should not do to kick-start her sex drive.

LS,

At first you may need to "act as if" and you may need to use whatever you've got to be able to act as if. It sounded like you were disappointed that during sex with your H the other night you weren't feeling the desire. What I've found is that the more regular sex I have with cac the more bonded I feel with him. In the past I usually didn't feel desire when the encounter started, but that has been changing. But it takes time. It didn't happen overnight. And it goes hand in hand with the belief that a good sex life is very important for myself, my H and our marriage.

IMO, if you are working on the R and your H is too (and the fact that he's taking anger management classes means that he is taking responsibility for his behavior and that's great) and you keep making regular sex a priority, the emotional bonding will come. You might not trust your H right now in an emotionally intimate way because of his past behavior, so you wouldn't be feeling emotionally bonded to him. You can't make yourself feel emotionally bonded if the R hasn't supported that.

[mrsc]

Another question: what is your LL and what is your H's?

[Light Seeker]

Odd, you say "muscular calves" like it's a bad thing.

Guys - thank you for liking muscular calves! The problem is...they don't fit into those cute, sexy boots.

mrscac - I think I too have a problem with body image not because of my father's comments but because my brother used to always tell me I was fat (even though I wasn't) because he was a stick. Body image is such a fragile thing.

At first you may need to "act as if" and you may need to use whatever you've got to be able to act as if. It sounded like you were disappointed that during sex with your H the other night you weren't feeling the desire. What I've found is that the more regular sex I have with cac the more bonded I feel with him. In the past I usually didn't feel desire when the encounter started, but that has been changing. But it takes time. It didn't happen overnight. And it goes hand in hand with the belief that a good sex life is very important for myself, my H and our marriage.

I find this encouraging.

Ingrid - that is one book I have missed! I'll check it out.

Thanks guys - great tips. I think this is helping. I've felt so alone in all of this, and now I realize there are other people struggling too.

[Light Seeker]

Okay - this is pretty funny. I looked up the book Ingrid recommended, which led me to this more recent book of Michele's: Getting Through to the Man You Love: The No-Nonsense, No-Nagging Guide for Women

What is the new book all about? Getting through to your man using DOG TRAINING techniques!!!

[Dom R]

Guys - thank you for liking muscular calves! The problem is...they don't fit into those cute, sexy boots.

once again... rather than limiting yourself to some narrow, silly fashion magazine's definition of "cute and sexy"... go find some boots that DO fit you (if boots are your thing)... and then ask your husband what he thinks of em!

(wearing the right skirt with 'em will help properly "show them off", i'm sure )

[tmi]

The older version uses dog training language too, LS - useful with children, too

I'll have to see if I can find the newer one - thanks for letting us know.

[Light Seeker]

Just wanted to let everyone know the taking turns thing is working out well so far. I think he was surprised that he let a whole week go by without initiating. He realized that even those who are feeling HD can just not fit in LM regardless of the reason.

I feel less pressure and more giving about the whole thing. We'll see if it lasts. Fingers crossed.

[sat567]

I think he was surprised that he let a whole week go by without initiating. He realized that even those who are feeling HD can just not fit in LM regardless of the reason.

Did he actually say this, or are you making an assumption? I'm just curious.

I feel less pressure and more giving about the whole thing.

Awesome!

Hairdog

[Light Seeker]

hairdog - he said it. He was surprised at how quickly a week had passed. Our schedules really are horrible.

When I had to be the one intiating all of the time it put more focus on me. Not something I needed! We'll see how this goes.