Just scanned your thread and wanted you to know that I am here for you. I almost walked away, but did not have the finances, so I stayed in the M. It was not my H's fault other than he ignored my emotional needs and other things that I won't get into now b/c it's too long. You can read my thread...or at least the beginning. I had an internet EA and it devasted my H. However, I only saw his ugly side toward me.....I never saw the hurt, etc. He kept that from me and I saw a side of him I never want to see again.
I will tell you like I told some other W's that went back to their H's only to discover he wasn't as receptive as expected by the W. I know from my own experience that I closed my heart to my H for many years and tried to fill my emptiness by involving myself in other things. Did not help my M, in fact, I just put more distance between us.......and he was doing the same thing as far as putting emotional distance between us. Anyway, once that heart has been closed for a long, long time....it seems awfuly hard to open it again. At least, it has for me. I'm not even sure I want to take that chance again. A wall of resentment has encased me for so many years that I am having a hard time tearing that wall down. Anyway, that is about me and not you.
I think I have seen by the many LBS here on the board that have worked on themselves very hard and discovered that they liked themselves better and begin to get attention from the opposite sex b/c of their new and improved looks, etc......well, it effects everything. They have protected themselves by withdrawing & detaching from their S for a long time to the point that they are not so sure they want to take a chance at a MR with them again. I think it goes back to that closed heart.
I know that you are confused by some of the advice you have been given. You need a counselor that is pro-marriage and finding solutions to fixing the MR. Too many secular counselors just start telling people they need to start over and find happiness with somebody else, etc. Finding a Christian Counselor is good. However, unless they are really formally education as a counselor, they don't always give the best advice either, so you have to pray for them and yourself that God will lead them in what to tell you in the sessions. After all, they are only human too.
Men seem to have a problem about going to Counseling or any kind of marriage retreat, etc. They just do not like discussing private matters with "strangers" and airing their dirty laundry. I think it is a "male" thing....lol. Maybe it's their ego or something, I don't know. My H will not even consider going to a C. He won't go to a Pastor or anyone. He is a good Christian and very faithful in the Church work, etc., but he is not going to talk about our private R to anyone else! So, I don't bring it up anymore and I pray and rely on God's influence on my H's heart since he is not going to listen to a C......maybe he will listen to God!
You mentioned your H's reaction to seeing you on the computer. I took it that you meant when you were on the board here. His reaction to your telling him that you were trying to help others....is very typical for a lot of men. I personally think they are thinking in their own mind, "Who are you to give anyone help when we are in need ourselves?" They don't realize what this board is all about, but I woudn't even try to explain it to him. Unless of course, he shows a lot of interest and asks more sincere questions.
I would be very hesitate in trying to get him to read certain books or talk to counselors or go to retreats, etc. unless you feel the timing is right and he is very receptive to the idea. Otherwise, these things are seen as "pressure" to him and his heart will be closed to anything that you are wanting him to "get" by doing all of this. I think in his mind, you believe he needs to be "fixed" to make the M work. It's like the H's is showing by attending any of this, that it's all his fault that there ever was a problem in the MR. So, he finds it easier just to say no to these things.
I think you can be encourging to other newcomers that were WAW's and then decided to return to their H's only to feel like a LBS themselves. We will all help each other......what you say?
The fact you and your H are in the "friendship" stage is very good. It gives you time to show him your improvements and let him see the woman he originally fell in love with. During this stage you are in (friends), you can use opportunities (when the timing is right) to use a little light flirting, etc. Gradually work up to more romance and physical touching. And, I do mean gradually! That requires.....you know before I say it.....patience. And a determination not to give up.
As far as the emails to you from the OW.........I would advise you to never delete anything she sends you. That is your evidence! It is no longer just your word against hers. Now, I don't know how to retrieve something that has be "Permantly" deleted, but I think some computer tech person might be helpful. I have heard that nothing is truly lost from a computer, that you just have to know what to do to find it. I will ask the computer tech guy at work if he can give me simple instructions as what to do to retrieve it. I think the SIL needs to see what the OW said and I think your H should see it also. That is just IMHO, and not everyone will agree with it. That is just part of my "personality" coming out, so take it however you feel about it.
You mentioned his depression. It could be that he knows more about the OW than he is telling you. He could be disappointed in her b/c she did not live up to his "fantasy" about her. Or, he could be trying to make up his mind who he is going to decide to spend his life with or have a R with.........the OW or you. That takes a big toll on a person. I know it did me. Just making the decision to break it off with the OM and to stay with my H........oh, Lordy, that was hard! And, as I told my H (who was disappointed that I was not acting like I wanted to put a 100% into working on our M) just b/c I made the decision to stay with him did not give me any miraculas feelings of desire or any other feelings. Plus I had to go though the grieving process of getting over the OM. Even though I never had a PA, EA's can be very powerful to a woman. The OM is her fantasy! He is in her mind and heart and it is awful hard to wash that away when you aren't having a physical R with your H. When I would go to bed (alone) the OM would be there in my mind and I would began to fantisize about him. So, maybe your H is going through some of the same stuff. However, I had to get my eyes open and so does your H. That is why I suggested that he sees the email from his OW with his own eyes and not just hear it from you. He may be depressed just wondering who to believe.....you or her. I'm sure you did look in your delete folder to see if her email was still there after you hit the deleted button. Unless you permantly deleted it, it should still be there. Print it out or forward to your H. It's your evidence. I would even keep a tape recorder by the phone just to be ready to recored any unwanted phone calles from the OW or the SIL that may call you every name invented. You probably wouldn't want to play it unless your H just would not truly believe they would do such a thing. Then you could show your hard evidence. When he asked why you recorded it, be honest and tell him that you wanted it in case you needed to prove to him how you were being bullied by these women.
Okay, I've talk enough, but I want to be here for you b/c I know you need a friend that understands and I think I do.
Don't give up and be sure to take care of yourself and keep improving yourself. Come here to blow off steam and frustration instead of your H. Let me hear from you.
Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
