I have been reading everyone's posts everyday but have not really posted. I have felt that there are (unfortunately, because I am sorry for everyone on this board) many experienced DB'ers that have far more to offer than I could. There is not a great deal I could do in my sitch to turn things around to get my WAW back.
Don't get me wrong, I have used DB techniques to work on me. I have on the most part stopped getting involved and trying to fix WAW's problems, become much stronger, am cheerful and positive when I do see her when picking up the children.
I am also standing up for myself more with both WAW and OM and have a new job and although not ideal regarding money (I am a loan officer with Count**wi** now and they pay me a draw until end of March and then all commission only thereafter), it does come with subsidised Medical, Dental and Vision whilst employed with them.
So my main priorities have been to get myself back on my feet immediately, to earn something even if it was short term to look for something more stable. Money and children have to come first especially when I was hit with child support to start by end of January.
My WAW and I do not contact each other unless it is about the children or money or she wants something. I understand from either her or the children that she has had episodes of crying, stress or anger. I know from her that she has been to the hospital for chest pains from stress and had a bladder infection (how do you get a bladder infection anyway?!).
Although my children says she is happy, she sleeps a lot during the afternoons and at the weekend. She also continues to want to be away from the children. What I am reading is that she is totally different when she was with me and is with the OM at his store working mostly and when at home with the children is sleeping. It sounds like depression or she just could care less for the children.
I will never understand why a WAS will lower themselves and IMHO change for the worse rather than work on their marriage.
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And if you suspect anything with your son, don't hesitate to call CPS. What you've described sounds suspicious to me. I personally wouldn't want to wait until something really bad happens. In the meantime keep in contact with teachers and request school counseling immediately.
I finally went ahead and reported things that my D13 told me about what happened one day about 3 weeks ago. OM was being an a@@hole to my D13 and S11. My D13 told me what happened so I got CPS involved. It took a week for them to go to OM's house and the result was that OM and maybe WAW? had to sign a form to state that they would not do what they were doing physically to the children. They also went to D13 & D11 school, saw the Counselors and spoke to my D13 & S11.
I could n't have the children live with me as I live with a married friend with a child. I also did not want them to go to a foster home but wanted the emotional and physical discipline (abuse?) to stop and I believe that I got the result I wanted.
I also paid the OM a visit the same night I reported to the CPS. I gave him some choice words from my repettoire (sp). Although he called me a dead beat dad as he and WAW had not received child support since she dropped the bomb. Well there was nothing legal from the attorney general or any lawyer and I was not earning any money because I was devasted (and there was a child support agreement starting at end of January 2008 anyway), this was totally out of order in my view.
I pulled him up on the "we" had not received child support as I did not think it was for him. I called him a D'Head and he physically pushed me. I was not going to do anything back, especially with CPS in the picture. I took the high road and was very calm all the way through our little chat. It was funny, I walked out, got in my car, radio on and he came running out of his store shoutin, I just that I could not hear him and drove off. I also made sure that I told him that I knew about the auto insurance money for my wife that he spent. I don't think my WAW told him that she told me. What a picture his face was. The arrogant p**ck said, that it was his money as he had insured her mini van.
I am sorry if any DB'ers do not like my approach but I am not going to pussy foot around trying to get my wife back and not say anything about what a sh*t OM is being. IMO, I was defending my wife in respect of how had treated her.
I did call the children after seeing OM and WAW picked up the phone. I just asked for D13 and WAW hung up the phone and would not answer again that night. The next night was fine and wife never mentioned anything about the CPS or my visit with the OM. She was pretty friendly after this.
Now, my wife is quite happy for me to have custody of D13 and this is what D13 wants. Wife also thinks it would be a good idea for S11 to live with me 50% of the time. Wife says I am the better parent, more patient and can help them with homework and as she loves them so much, this would be better for them (f@@k, it is better for her more like it, although yes it is better for the children, I just do not believe her motives).
WAW also says that the children do not need two fathers and I do not see the OM wanting or doing anything with them. I do not think he cares at all and that is not a life for the children.
Is my WAW still in a fog?? It is unbelieveable how she has dropped the children and their feelings. I just a don't get it at all. It breaks my heart how she can do this to them.
WAW also dealt with financial aid for a divorce last week and said I should get paperwork through the door soon. So I will wait and see. It has not hit me yet that she is pursuing this and may be it will or may be it won't.
I want to tell you all now, apart from how my children are affected (because I will always be affected by that), I feel very detached from my WAW. I do respect her for some things but mostly I do not. My love for her is becoming less and less and I miss her less too. This post was an update, it may seem I am going on about WAW a lot but with little contact with her and little desire at the moment to increase contact, to be frank, there is little of the good stuff to discuss. It does not mean that I am obsessed with her, I am just getting a month's worth of posting out in one go.
I will GAL more when there are the funds to do so. I need to GAL more but that will come in time.
I would seriously have to consider whether to take her back or not if she ever wanted to. I think by the time this ever happens, I would most probably be too far down the road, especially when I get an apartment, can have enough money to live and GAL, have my D13 full time and S11 part time.
I am sorry for such along post. I never wanted to be in my sitch. I could have prevented it if I had DB'ed years ago whilst I was still married, been a better person and husband but I did n't. Life is life and I can not turn back the clock. Yes, I regret not doing it but I can change me now so that those mistakes do not happen again. Whether my WAW wants to be apart of the rebuilt me or not (and if she does, whether I want her to be) is under her control, not mine. I fully understand that now.
I am ashamed and hurt for my children. They did not ask to be born, leave England to come to the USA and they certainly did not ask for this sitch. I am remorseful for my children, I have not seen anything from my WAW to indicate she is.
However, they will remember who walked tall with grace and dignity.
I do not know whether I am a DB'er or whether I would have been in the same place without it over the same time period of 6 months. Regardless, I feel so much happier, better and stronger than after the bomb.
I appreciate everyone on this board, you are all fantastic people and stand for the most honourable thing - your marriage and your children. I stand for this too and always will.
If anyone has any views on where my WAW is - Earth or Mars or has any advice, please feel free to respond.
