Hi Frank - Please take what I am about to say as my sincere offering of my viewpoint - okay?
I think you are a bit right when you say that others here are maybe cheerleading you a bit too much.
A while back, you posted a long post about how things might look through your wife's eyes. I thought it showed a remarkable ability to look at yourself. Not that anything you did justifies her infidelity; but you admitted that you had not been a perfect husband in a lot of ways.
I hear you when you say you just wish she could show you the kind of devotion and care that you showed to her when she was down. Sometimes we have to accept our spouses limitations, though. My H has a lot of great qualities, but supporting me when I am sick is not and never will be one of them. I have had to accept that he is limited in that way and it is a cheeseless tunnel to expect that from him.
You have an expectation that your wife should have saved you from yourself this last year. It is a cheeseless tunnel because she's just not that strong. AND it's a convenient out because it absolves you from responsibility for your "self-medicating".
My H has periodic depressions, and let me tell you, it is REALLY HARD to live with a depressed person. The depressed spouse finds everything you do annoying. I kinda hear this in your posts about how she says this or does that - every little thing is over-analyzed and turned into a negative by you. She's a jerk, yes, but right now half your pain is a product of your depression, not her behaviors.
Yes, you are pushing her away, giving passive-aggressive answers,holding a pity party, and generally being a bit of a weenie. It's okay - and perfectly legit - to be mad at her for flirting with yet another married guy. But stop all this other stuff. Own your own stuff. Take responsibility for not getting help yourself sooner this past year. Sit her down for a financial planning session.
BTW - renting out a bedroom is an excellent idea. Your kids will not suffer for it if you choose wisely.
Get some help for your depression. I know this situation sucks, but I am here to tell you, the negative voice in your head that is drowning everything else out is beyond what is just normal for this sitch. Get some medication if you need it, or start a vigorous exercise program. Eat healthy foods. Get a light box.
Detach, detach, detach. Angry pushing away is not detaching. Constant temperature taking is not detaching. You can and will be okay if you separate; you might even find yourself in a much better situation in a couple of years (many of those in the Divorced forum do!). And frankly, I think the best chance of saving your marriage is for you to LET GO and work on yourself. Most of the reconciliations I see happen AFTER the LBS finally decides they will be okay on their own.
You know that I offer you these thoughts with affection. Not trying to beat you up.
