Battlefield of the mind

[cat03]

Frank D took the best title "reclaiming myself" so I will settle for this one. My mind is a constant battlefield (as H once told me, sometimes I am my worst enemy.)

Unoffically the S has begun, it wasnt' supposed to until Friday, but H went out on tuesday (the weekly "guy's nigth" with his coworkers, right after the day after we decide to separate). That hurt a bit, it would've been the last day we'd stay as a family, if not for me but for the children--he rather go out than to tuck them in one last time (he will still see them, so perhaps it would just bothered me). He claimed he didnt' want "to make a scene" even though the kids won't know until Saturday, and said that he didnt' mean to but that perhaps he was a jerk.

H went to see his new room that night (the other reason he went out to his buddy's he said) and has taken some clothes there "there is nothing to talk about" he said when I was appalled that he was going out. Anyways..., he hasn't been back since, we've txt and talk a bit, no R talk, just normal stuff.
He's stopped calling at night and before court, guess he thinks he has to distance himself now, he did say repeatedly that "I dont' knwo what to do in these cases (S), the procedure". I told him we make the rules and adjust as time goes by.

Have not slept much since Monday, maybe 4-5hrs each day, if you can recommend something to help me sleep I'd appreciate it, last night I watched as the clock went from 2am to 3am, then from 6am til the time I had to get up for the day.

My "good patches" when I feel ok are getting longer, dont' despair as often as the past days, but I do expect setbacks. I have to remind myself that H asked for this also and that I was getting myself sick about where he was and what he was doing when he was late.

I pray for God to surround my home with His angels, and around H too as he seeks for peace and healing.

Guess I still belong here, since in some ways this S is towards piecing, if not my M then myself.

[limbo]

((((Cat)))

I am thinking about you! You are such a strong soul! And I know that you have what it takes to get through this and come out the other side a stronger women!

And you keep right on posting here!

[ntl]

Geez, Cat. I've been following your story and I have been thinking of you and praying for strength for you. I always tell myself that we aren't given that we can't handle. And that all things happen for a reason. But sometimes, it just feels like too much and the reasons seem inexplicable. That's when I just shut my eyes and hang on for dear life.

I wish your H would just let go trying to solve all of us or understand any of it. I wish he'd just let go and let things happen so that the negative energy and drama he's surrounded himself with can be washed away.

Keep us up to date, girl!


ntl

[Aud31]

Bleh. So sorry you're in the shut-out phase. It's so hard Cat, but you can do this. Make sure you keep your new goals at the top of your list and let him go for now.

((hugs))

[Evie]

((((((((((Cat)))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry to here you are S.

You have given me some truely valuable advice. I am humbled.

Nothing I can say to make you feel better. I just wanted you to know that i'm thinking about you.

I hope you can get some peace.

Love and hugs Cat.

XXX Dis xxxx

[cat03]

thank you gals! love your support. Trying hard not to rummiate, I'm mostly ok during the day, it's night that I dread, I stay up 'til 1 but still wake up at 5 and can't go back to sleep, if it weren't for my new shorter commute (work moved) I'd be such a zombie or would've end in a ditch right now, I'm so tired by the end of the day, I used to drive 1hr home.

Hanging there, forcing myself to stop thinking of the "new details" ow/A related, jeez, just like last time.

[appleroad]

... he did say repeatedly that "I dont' knwo what to do in these cases (S), the procedure". I told him we make the rules and adjust as time goes by.

Have not slept much since Monday, maybe 4-5hrs each day, if you can recommend something to help me sleep I'd appreciate it

My "good patches" when I feel ok are getting longer

I pray for God to surround my home with His angels, and around H too as he seeks for peace and healing.

Guess I still belong here, since in some ways this S is towards piecing

Cat, you definately do still belong here. There can be a lot of reconciliation done while separated -- that's what I'm doing and things are going very well after 10 months of separation. No need to feel apologetic about moving the battle for the marriage to a new venue. Michele said in her book, if something is not working then stop doing that and try something different. This is 'different', but still piecing the marriage back together. In spite of everything, both you and H are still trying to have a relationship, still trying to pick up the pieces. And that's what counts, the intention and the desire on the part of both partners, in the face of a disability on the part of one of the partners.

About sleeping -- actually, I think you are already doing pretty well on that. 5-6 hours in this situation is nothing to sneeze at! But some things to promote sleep are:
-- exercise during the day, a half hour of brisk walking is good
-- chamomile tea at bedtime
-- a journal handy to write down (and thus dismiss) persistent anxious or angry thoughts that arise when you're about to nod off
-- trying out an alternative place to sleep, like the living room couch, if wakeful at night. Keeping the house a little cooler so you enjoy snuggling under your blankie. A nightlight and some very soft soporific/benign/heavenly music, or a CD bedtime story on 'repeat' on the CD player.

Another thing that might be helpful for you to consider -- I think this comes under the category of GAL, but it is not so aggressively 'social' as most GAL suggested activities -- use your new free time to develop some new household activities that you always wanted to do/never had the time to do/kept putting off. You wouldn't believe how important things like "breadmaking" became to me after Sep. A fresh baked homemade loaf also makes a welcome loving gift to send to H, even if you are NC or limited contact. Sometimes I think that whatever gains I made in reconciliation were mediated by homemade bread as well as by the important changes I made in myself related to 'independence'.

I have the strong feeling that H has his nose put out of joint by this Sep -- even though he was the one to bring up the subject first. This is not a rational process, keep reminding yourself of that. He'll get over it, especially if you do continue to look after him in very small ways, short of significant contact and without ongoing R talks. Cat, do try to stick to your guns about not tolerating OW contact. You tried it the other way and it didn't work.

Wishing you the best, Cat, you surely do deserve it, and it will come, but as usual in this frustrating process, very slowly.

[Aud31]

I have the strong feeling that H has his nose put out of joint by this Sep -- even though he was the one to bring up the subject first.

This happened in my sitch--H said we should separate, but was very hurt when I moved most of his things out of the house (in the immediate aftermath of the bomb and before I found DB...I was in so much pain, I had do *something*, and packing him up and getting him out of my closet was all I could think of.) In fact, he held it up as much more hurtful to our M than the A ever was. Twisted minds.

Anyhow, I agree with Apple here: I like the idea of doing some GALing just in your home.

Good luck with the sleeping. It will get better hon. It will.

[ediemarie]

((((CAT)))) just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking and praying for you. Sleeping on my H's side of the bed while we were separated helped me. When I slept on my side I was aware of him not being there, when I slept on his side, it was just a new place to sleep. Nights were always the hardest for me when we were separated. Try rearranging the furniture...sometimes a new atmosphere can create peace.

Hugs!!!
Em

[seekpeaceofmind]

If I have time (meaning I can be in bed at least 8 hours), I will take 1 Unisom. I am more likely to sleep deeply then - compared to the light sleep/wakefulness most nights when the stress levels are high.

A friend took Melatonin when she went through a rough time and she thought that it helped her w/ sleep.