I guess it depends on what success is. I define success as being like the HD women on this board. The reason for this is that HD women act different at ALL times. The problem is not with the sex. The problem is how the LD person interacts with the HD person at ALL times. Increasing the frequency, being receptive to sex, that is barely scratching the surface of the problem. Most of the problem is actually OUTSIDE the bedroom.
I define success as being like the HD women on this board. The reason for this is that HD women act different at ALL times. The problem is not with the sex. The problem is how the LD person interacts with the HD person at ALL times. Increasing the frequency, being receptive to sex, that is barely scratching the surface of the problem. Most of the problem is actually OUTSIDE the bedroom.
Cemar,
You are one confused messed up man. If this is your true underlying belief and desire, then it is no surprise to me that your wife makes no attempt at changing or at meeting your needs. Why should she bother with any attempt? Even the slightest change or attempt will not be enough for you and even worse will probably be treated as "ho hum but you are still not a perfect HD woman" and "nothing less than an HD woman will make me happy." Gee how exciting and romantic that must be for your wife. But then again I really have never heard you talk about your wife's feelings, wants or needs with anything but disdain. (i.e. "She thinks keeping the house neat and clean is important. Why can't she understand that I don't care." ) Turning off her emotions toward you might be the only thing that helps HER to keep her sanity and peace and happiness in her world. Otherwise she would have to constantly be thinking about what a let down she is to her H as the woman she is.
Your idealization of the "HD" woman as perfect or as the "goal" is not reality IMO. There are HD women in the bedroom that have plenty of problems outside of the bedroom. Using your statistics again of 15% of the women without desire issues, what percentage of those women have OTHER significant issues. Also just because a woman has no sexual issues in the bedroom does not mean she is a great person otherwise. For a personal example, Raven's marriage like mine was NOT an SSM. His wife did initiate and enjoy sex and Raven would classify her as HD. However her personality type comes across as all uptight. In REGULAR interactions she is not much fun. (She makes me feel like I'm around a disapproving Great-Aunt who looking down her nose and judging everyone!) She did not touch Raven much outside of the bedroom. She always worried about how she, Raven or the kids will be perceived by others, etc. Her BILs refer to her sarcastically as "Ms. Personality." So in her particular case, HD in the bedroom did NOT translate to fun and happy in life. I cannot imagine that she is the only HD case out there like that. Last Sunday I overheard two men on the plane talking about bi-polar women they had dated. "Sure the sex was great but I just couldn't handle the rest of her."
Anyway, if you are not ready to look for the good things about your wife and let go of the long list of EXACT ways of how YOU want your wife to be perfect for you, then I doubt she will be ready to take on the risk of trying anything new. Why should she? She is only doomed for failure.
I really feel sad for both of you.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
You have to remember that my wife WAS HD when I married her. Then she became LD and her personality changed with it. All I want is for her to be the women she once was. I am not asking for some super HD woman.
Do I hold her in disdain. No. What does frustrate me is that she burns the candles at both ends doing things that do NOT help her marriage, and yet I bet she thinks they are. She constantly clean house, and I appreciate it, but it is NOT one of my needs. I see this problem with MOST LD women on here as well, they are busting their butts doing all kinds of stuff, and by the end of the days, they are exhusted. They probably think they gave 110% to their husbands and familes that day, but the sad fact is that most of what they do, even though appreciated, is the WRONG love languages and needs. Thus us guys feel like we are neglected and essentially unimportant.
cemar - Though I hesitate, I have to ask. Did you bring most of this on yourself? You sound so much like my H. He brought up D on our honeymoon. He didn't talk to me for half of it. Our problems really started at engagement, but the wedding really tipped the scale.
Anyway, my input to this whole thread is, if you really want change in your marriage - whether you are HD or LD - you have to change something. What you are doing is obviously not working. I read a book that said if you change 10% of what you are doing it will make a huge difference.
The shared spaces concept is fascinating and realistic. Even moreso with children because then not only are you sharing space but you are creating space for them. What kind of space do you want your child to grow up in?
Is a HD/LD R possible? Yes. The polarity needs to be broken down and compromises need to be made, and if you like the rest of your M, you'll make them.
cemar, have you ever talked to your wife about the possibility that she might be depressed? You say her personality has also changed - that could be a clue to something more going on. And if you have kids, that's another big clue.
